SkyMall Monday: Springflex UB

by Mike Barish on

No doubt, many of you check in on SkyMall Monday while you are at the office. You’re taking a break from your hectic workday to learn about the latest innovations coming from our favorite catalog. But consider how much time you’re spending at your desk. You’re tucked into your cubicle and immobile all day. Your spare tire is growing. Your saddlebags are sagging. You’re slowing dying. And if you die, who’s going to read SkyMall Monday? Stop being so selfish! Stop being so lazy! Get healthy with the Springflex UB!

Look, I know how busy you are. You work all day, take care of your family, and at night you chat online with that handsome stranger who lives two states away and promises to leave his wife for you. There’s just no time for exercise. But now you can maximize your time at the office by getting fit right at your desk.

First, go to your office and have a seat. Now, take off your shirt.* Next, remove your pants [note: be sure to wear your bicycle shorts underneath your khakis]. Go ahead and replace your dress shoes with sneakers. Finally, attach your Springflex UB to your desk and feel the burn. See, you’re exercising and working! Assuming, of course, that your job doesn’t involve you having to type at all. Or use your hands in any way, shape or form.

Perplexed? I can’t imagine why. But I’m certain that the product description will clear things up:

Numerous repetitive stress injuries have been linked to sitting in front of a desk all day. Lower metabolism and increased weight gain have also been linked to a sedentary work day. But what if you could get a workout when you are just sitting at your desk?

Isn’t that what I just said?! Focus people. It’s not that hard. Just strip down to your drawers right there at your desk and start flailing your arms around with the Springflex UB or your boss will fire you for having flabby pecs. In this economy, can you afford to have man-boobs?

* Being topless may or may not be considered “business casual.” Consult with your Human Resources department for more details. They may have a pamphlet.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Goldfish in a Bag Soap

by Mike Barish on

SkyMall Monday loves kids. We’ve looked after them when their noses bleed and when they are embarrassed by their baldness. But this week we’re not here to solve their problems or help take any pain away. Today we’re going to discuss something that every kid wants. Something that every kid begs his or her parents for. Something that kids cherish and love more than anything else. That’s right. We’re talkin’ hygiene! We’re talking Goldfish in a Bag Soap!

Oh, did you think I was going to say, “pets?” Yeah, I could see how you might have made that mistake. What, with the picture of the fish and the talk of children cherishing things. But what kids really love is a good glycerin soap. Trust me, I’m a 30-year-old single male with a history of short, self-destructive relationships. I know children.

Kids today have short attention spans. They’ll be bored with regular bar soap. Liquid hand soap? Go back to 1988, grandpa! Is that a loofah? Geez, you might as well just ask the kid to bathe with Brussels sprouts. If you really want to connect with your child, then you need to be on the cutting edge. You need Goldfish in a Bag Soap.

Think I’m crazy? Think soap that looks like a goldfish that you won at a carnival from a rigged game run by a bunch of grifters is bizarre? Then read the product description and begin drafting your apology to me:

This looks just like your little pet-except it’s a bar of soap. The more you shower or bathe, the closer you’ll get to the toy goldfish inside.

You see, people?! It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. With each wash, you’ll inch ever closer to the toy goldfish inside! And what happens when you reach it? What fate does this cleansing gift from SkyMall have in store for us? What did I just tell you about it being about the journey?! Geez, it’s like you don’t even pay attention to me.

So, the next time you come home and your kids come running to ask you if you bought them a gift, tell them to close their eyes, hold out their hands and get ready. Then pour some water on those hands, give them the Goldfish in a Bag Soaps and tell them to scrub hard. Kids are filthy.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Let’s Talk Apparel

by Mike Barish on

As the writer of SkyMall Monday, I consider myself a public servant. If I can improve just one person’s life with every post, I consider myself successful. Today, though, I’m aiming higher. I want to make the whole world a better place by making us all better looking. This week, SkyMall Monday takes a very special look at the apparel selections available in our favorite catalog.

Sock Monkey Hat and Mittens – For when you want to tell the whole world that you’ve accepted that you will die alone surrounded by empty Ben & Jerry’s containers but you’re allergic to cats.

Pluto Was a Planet – Do you like astronomy jokes that haven’t been topical in almost three years? Then you should totally wear this to your online chat party.
Vegasize Shirt – For that very special douchebag in your life.

What Part of Y’All Shirts – What part of y’all don’t I understand? Just the part that comes before the apostrophe. And the stuff after the apostrophe. And the apostrophe. But I do understand that you’re a yokel with $17.95 less in your wallet. And by wallet, I mean the floor of your pickup truck.

American Heritage Hoodie – Have you ever wanted to wear the clothing equivalent of a Toby Keith song? Do you see the American flag and think, “Wow, that sure would make me less pear shaped?” Do you wish that a bald eagle and George W. Bush would have sex on your face? Then just get this and be done with it.

Careful Novel Shirts – Look, if you can string together even three coherent sentences, I won’t even need you to write a whole novel. I’ll gladly take my place in your cocktail napkin doodle and be damn proud of it.

Abbott & Costello Apparel – Do you like vaudeville jokes that haven’t been topical in almost 70 years? Then you should totally wear this to your volunteer job calling bingo balls at the retirement home.

Fish Whisperer Shirt – So you’re the fish whisperer, eh? You ain’t got nothing on me, homeboy.

Dog/Cat Likes Me Best Shirts – The cat likes you best? Who were the other candidates? Your unicorn figurines? Your needlepoint pillow collection? Your real doll with three working orifices? Because I find that hard to believe.

There you have it. Just imagine how smashing you’re going to look at your next cocktail party, book club meeting or plush toy tea party. No need to thank me. The looks on your friends’ and coworkers’ faces is all the thanks I need. But if you really do want to thank me, I would love to wear this to my pottery class.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Baseball Bat Pepper Grinder

by Mike Barish on

Here at SkyMall Monday headquarters, I love to host barbecues and dinner parties for my SkyMall Maniac friends. Typically, I grill up some of my custom-branded steaks, chill some beers and enjoy the good times. But lately my friends have been complaining that my steaks are bland. That they’re poorly seasoned. In fact, there’s talk of not attending my parties anymore and instead hanging out with someone who writes about the Blair catalog. Frankly, I cannot let that happen (mostly because I want to be the guy who writes about the Blair catalog). So, it’s time that I spiced up my meat with the Baseball Bat Pepper Grinder!

Most pepper grinders are maybe 8″ tall. Perhaps you have a restaurant-quality grinder and it’s pushing 12″. I scoff at your inadequate grinders. I’m a man. I need a grinder that exceeds 28″ and resembles a piece of sporting goods equipment that is in no way related to food. I need the Baseball Bat Pepper Grinder.

There’s no better way to season your food than by standing up, taking a full step back from the table and grinding fresh pepper onto your plate from a safe distance. Every year, literally one person is mildly inconvenienced by getting a pepper flake remotely close to his eye. You can avoid being that person and show people that you love baseball. You need the Baseball Bat Pepper Grinder.

Maybe I’m not articulating this clearly enough. Brainstorm! Let’s look at the product description:

Hit one out-of-the-park as a gift for your Dad who’s MVP of the grill. Feels and looks just like a baseball bat but professional quality grinder delivers effective spice control. Made in the United Kingdom…

First of all, nothing sells a product better than clever wordplay. Secondly, I never knew that spice control was an issue but now I fear that I need to control my spices before something tragic occurs. And thirdly, who better to craft the perfect novelty baseball bat than the British?

Finally, my steaks will be seasoned in a way that demonstrates my spice control. My guests will be satisfied. And I can get started on writing about my favorite Blair product.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Solar Powered Mole Repeller

by Mike Barish on

Do you have a mole that you would like removed? No, not on your face. I can’t help you with that. You should see your dermatologist. Seriously. That thing looks troubling. What I was referring to were those annoying rodents who are always ruining our lawns and gardens. Well, maybe your lawns and gardens. I live in Manhattan. Moles can’t make it up to my eighth floor apartment. But for those of you who are sick and tired of moles devastating your well-manicured lawn, SkyMall Monday is here to help you and the environment with this Solar Powered Mole Repeller.

Let’s face it. We just don’t have the time to concoct crazy schemes to catch moles. Who wants to spend an afternoon trying to flood a molehill with a garden hose or fill it with smoke or, perhaps more realistically, explode it with a quarter stick of dynamite? And I’m sure there are other mole repellers that are powered with electricity, but that would require a series of extension chords and a wasteful use of energy.

No, the only viable option is the Solar Powered Mole Repeller that produces “a penetrating, two-second pulse at 30-second intervals, over an area of about 7,000 sq. ft.” How does it work? Well, I could tell you but the product description does a much better job:

Simply place the waterproof, 13 1/2″-long, polymer tube into the mole mound, and they’ll be on their way–they just cannot tolerate that constant underground vibration…drives them crazy!

Sounds like moles hate techno music. Of course, my only fear would be that a gaggle of crazed moles learn to like the pulse-pounding beats and hold a rave on the lawn. Moles with glow sticks are my worst nightmare.

Moles live underground so why not combat them with the power of their arch nemesis, the sun? This giant thumbtack is the answer to the problem you never thought you had but now fear more than any other.

Run, don’t walk, to your closest SkyMall catalog and order yourself the Solar Powered Mole Repeller. It’s us or them. Don’t wait for the mole overlords to take over. Act now.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.