SkyMall Monday: Floating Blackjack

by Mike Barish on

It’s a new year and time for new SkyMall Monday goodness! Are you an avid gambler who can quit anytime but who chooses not to and sees nothing wrong with gambling 22 hours a day? Do enjoy gambling even when pursuing other leisure activities? Do you like standing still in large bodies of water? Well, my friends, then the Floating Blackjack Game is the product for you!

Sure, you could certainly jump into a pool and play volleyball, float on a raft or, I don’t know, swim. But would you be making money? No (unless, of course, you’re betting on who will win said volleyball game and/or butterfly relay). What better way to kill a gorgeous afternoon than to stand in one place in the pool and play a card game? And I’m sure the kids will have no problem following your instructions not to swim near the table or splash daddy and his lady friends.

As always, no one can sell a product better than the folks at SkyMall, so let’s take a look at the product description:

Guaranteed to provide hours of enjoyment in your swimming pool or Jacuzzi, the kit includes everything you need for a rousing game of blackjack…

What better place to rest a card table than a pool with jets that create constant and aggressive water movement? And there will certainly be no negative effects on your body from spending a couple of hours in a heated Jacuzzi playing blackjack. Heck, why not drop in a few bouillon cubes while you’re at it?

Not convinced that blackjack can be played in the pool? Well, I dug deeper (because I’m a journalist) and explored the official website of this fine product.

There I learned that these are the “world’s first patented playing cards that are able to be played and shuffled in water without the cards sticking together or destroyed by water.” Sure, it’s reassuring to learn that the cards won’t be destroyed by playing with them near the water. But it’s mind-blowing to learn that you can SHUFFLE them “in water.” Not just near water. Not only adjacent to water. Not simply juxtaposed to water. IN WATER! Look, if you can shuffle cards underwater, then I’ll let you play any game you want in the pool. Just keep your freakish hands away from me!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Top 10 SkyMall Mondays of 2008

by Mike Barish on

2008 was a big year for SkyMall Monday in that, you know, I created SkyMall Monday in 2008. We laughed, we cried, we grew as people. But mostly we just laughed. With the new year just days away and with everyone and their mother posting year-end top 10 lists, this week seemed perfect for a look back at the Top 10 SkyMall Mondays of 2008. So, grab your credit card, throw logic out the window and come along on a magical ride through some highlights from our favorite mile-high catalog.

10. TimeMug – Certainly many of you have made a new year’s resolution to get yourselves organized. Well, what better way to get your life in order than to have a clock on your coffee mug? You may have left your watch at home and forgotten your phone in the car, but your latte will know exactly how late you are for your meeting.

9. Slumber Sleeve – Easily the second-best pillow of the two pillows SkyMall Monday reviewed this year! The Slumber Sleeve allows contortionists and husbands who have been forced to sleep on the couch to maintain bloodflow to their extremities. It’s a niche market, but the Slumber Sleeve really filled it up good and tight.
8. Flair Hair Visor – As a bald man, I’m typically offended by anything that makes us aerodynamic individuals feel as if we should hide our glorious domes. But when you come across a product that is so dignified and subtle, you can’t help but promote it. The Flair Hair Visor says, “I have such tremendous self-esteem that I am certain you must be pointing at me and laughing as a gesture of respect.” I accept your compliments.

7. Portable Desk – You’re a man (or woman) on the go and you just have to work, work, work! But there’s nowhere to sit as you wander around the coffee shop/airport/freeway. What do you do? Well, you strap it on. (Note: Thank you to my editor who looks the other way when I use that phrase).

6. Noseaid – When you care enough about your child to put a clothespin on his nose and then just walk away.

5. SkyRest Travel Pillow – Getting comfortable in a cramped airplane seat can be tough. Trying to sleep in that seat is even tougher. You could try a neck pillow, but they’re so small, convenient and easy to carry. What you need is something so obtrusive that everyone knows that you’ll be sleeping through the drink service. You need a giant wedge that will block your neighbors from going to the bathroom. You need the SkyRest Travel Pillow.

4. Double Umbrella – Keeping two people dry in the rain is the world’s oldest problem. Sure you could buy a golf umbrella, but then you’d be a giant douchebag. You could carry around multiple umbrellas, but then you’d have the hassle of keeping then both up in bad weather. Or, you could own the world’s first umbrella built for two people who like each other but not enough to stand close together under one umbrella.

3. NECKpro Traction Device – Tethering yourself to a door is never a bad idea. So what better way to alleviate neck and back pain than to strap yourself to a door and crank yourself away from stress? And what a handsome design! Frankly, I’ll find any excuse I can to run this photo repeatedly.

2. The Slanket – As I began compiling this list, I thought for sure that The Slanket would end up in the number one spot. How could it not? It’s the original blanket with sleeves! I even spent an hour completely entranced by the incredibly cheesie Slanket website. But at the end of the day, I’m just not a blanket guy. I prefer to put on a sweatshirt. Our flaunt my tremendous wealth by turning on the heat.

1. Cruzin Cooler – Many people have blamed the collapse of the Big Three U.S. automakers on their lack on innovation. Well, one amazing advancement in transportation has recently come from the great minds of America’s business leaders. I speak, of course, of the Cruzin Cooler. Part cooler. Part go-kart. All awesome. It holds 24 12-ounce cans and has a top speed of 13 miles per hour. But it’s not about the numbers. Facts and figures are so cold and emotionless. SkyMall Monday is about people. I believe in bringing you hope and joy and warmth. To that end, just look how pleased these Cruzin Cooler owners look.

Happy New Year, SkyMall Maniacs. See you in 2009 with a whole new batch of products designed to make our lives more magical.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Holiday Gift Ideas

by Mike Barish on

Good tidings to you, my SkyMall Maniacs (congratulations, I’ve given you a nickname). We’re doing something a little different here at SkyMall Monday this week. With Hanukkah in full effect and Christmas mere days away, I’m going to do you a solid and give you some last minute gift ideas straight from the greatest catalog on Earth. Forget the hassles of the mall or the big box stores. Sit back, relax, and let SkyMall do all the work for you (with my help, of course).

iWear Vr920 (photo above) – Why just be a nerdy gamer when you could be a nerdy gamer playing in “virtual reality?” Just don your favorite blazer, log into World of Warcraft and have your friends call you “Geordi La Forge.”

Animated Hitch Critters – Because you’re white trash and gosh darn proud of it.

Body Toning System – We just don’t subject ourselves to “electro muscle stimulation” nearly enough. Besides, what does all the research supporting a lifestyle of healthy eating and exercise really mean anyways? Certainly standing around while electrocuting your abs is the real secret to getting that six pack.

Warm Whiskers Neck Wrap (photo at left) – Because the local shelter won’t let you adopt anymore of their precious real cats and the county is threatening to investigate that smell coming from your backyard.

Dermaseptic – Tis the season to manage those herpes outbreaks.

Forest Faces – Forest Faces are the “newest craze in outdoor decor.” Finally, the old craze in outdoor decor, “nature,” has been supplanted by a much more organic way to decorate trees: athletic decorations with stereotypically racist facial features.

Feline Drinking Fountain – This water fountain keeps water moving, “encouraging proper hydration by attracting pets to drink more, thereby reducing the risk of urinary tract infection.” I never knew feline urinary tract infections were such a major concern. Can’t your cat just drink some cranberry juice and have a bad attitude for a few days?

Portable Video Magnifier – Sure, you’re well aware that magnifying glasses have existed for centuries. And yeah, you know that they’re cheap, lightweight and would really help your elderly grandmother read the newspaper, organize coupons and write checks. But you have money to burn and an intense desire to let grandma know that you did amount to something after all. So, drop $789 and get grandma the Portable Video Magnifier. That’ll show her who the real failure is.

Jumpin Jammerz (photo at left) – Are you in an asexual relationship with a partner who respects your complete lack of libido? Does he or she have the bowel control necessary to make it to the bathroom and then completely disrobe before doing the business? Would they love to wake up in a pool of their own sweat every morning? Then yes, you should totally get that person a pair of adult footed pajamas. Glad we had this talk.

Sound Activated Shirt – I just spent 45 minutes trying to come up with a reason why you should buy this. That’s a new SkyMall Monday record.

Of course, if none of these amazing SkyMall gift ideas would appeal to your loved ones, you could always take a look at Gadling’s Holiday Gift Guide. There are tons of great ideas there.

Happy holidays from SkyMall Monday. Be sure to check back next week when we count down some of the best SkyMall Monday reviews from 2008!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Flair Hair Visor

by Mike Barish on

Are you embarrassed by your child’s age-appropriate baldness? Has his or her wispy, toddler hair become a point of contention in your house? Do you purposely leave your child home alone rather than risk people publicly mocking him for his inability to have a full, luxurious head of hair before he can even walk? Well, finally, there is a product that will not only give your child that ultra-cool hairstyle that he deserves, but also keep the glare of the sun out of his tender eyes. This week, SkyMall Monday spotlights the Flair Hair Visor.

As a man with no hair, I can appreciate one’s desire to enhance himself follicly. Sure, I look stunning bald, but not everyone can make such handsomely honest claims. Hair growth creams and surgical solutions can cost hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars. Wigs and toupées rarely fool anyone and pose a unique set of challenges in blustery conditions. But with the Flair Hair Visor, your child can finally escape the stigma of being in the stage of development that precedes full hair growth.

As always, I don’t ask you to take just my word for it. Just check out this carefully selected excerpt from the product description (that happens to be the only sentence in the product description that isn’t littered with typos):

Instantly give yourself a head-turning new ‘do and amuse friends– and strangers!

If people are pointing and laughing at you, then yes, I suppose they are amused. And just imagine how amused they will be when they see that there are Flair Hair Visors for adults, too! You and your child can have matching fake visor hair and avoid the damaging effects that the sun can have on your retinas. And if you protect your retinas, you’ll be able to gaze into the mirror and see how magnificent you look with your fake hair that has taken the attention off of your child’s fake hair. See, you solved that problem of being embarrassed by your kid already!

Bring an air of confidence back to your family with the Flair Hair Visor. Surely people will stop mocking you and your child now. I think. Maybe.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: NECKpro Traction Device

by Mike Barish on

Neck pain is no laughing matter. Unless the pain was caused by a slip on a banana peel. That’s hysterical. Otherwise, neck pain is a serious issue that needs to be combated aggressively. You’ve probably treated your neck pain with pills, creams, ointments, salves, massages and wine. Well, you’re a moron. By now you should know that the solutions to all of life’s problems can only be found in SkyMall. So, this week SkyMall Monday is here to dominate neck pain with the NECKpro Traction Device.

For years, you could only find traction devices in hospitals and they had to be operated by trained medical technicians with degrees and “expertise.” The masses were denied the ability to ratchet their spines in directions that defy normal human physiology. But no longer. The NECKpro Traction Device allows you to comfortably* sit in your own home and pull your head clear off of your torso. Thoughts of your neck pain will disappear as you instead focus on the chafing on your chin.

Need more convincing that the NECKpro Traction Device is the premiere cervical traction device on the market? Well, let’s check out the product description:

The NECKpro over-door cervical traction device, eliminates the bag of water or weights and the trial and error method of traction therapy offered by conventional home over-door cervical traction systems.

Did you know that other cervical traction devices rely on bags of water to apply the tension? Did you even know that there were other cervical traction devices? Me neither! But why use bags of water when you can just hang the NECKpro Traction Device over your door and pull on a string while your kids cheer you on?

You’ll be thrilled to learn that the NECKpro Traction Device comes fully assembled and “is the perfect travel companion.” Sure, it’s nice to have your significant other or favorite vibrator with you on a trip. But when it comes to companionship, those pale in comparison to the NECKpro Traction Device. I mean, can a vibrator relieve the pain associated with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis or cervical radiculopathy? I think I’ve made my point.

Show your neck pain who’s boss with the NECKpro Traction Device. It’s about time you took back your dignity.

* You will not be comfortable.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.