SkyMall Monday: Message In Time Clock

by Mike Barish on

Cuckoo clocks used to be all the rage. Clock makers earned great esteem for their craftsmanship and the owners of the chirping clocks appreciated the announcement of each passing hour. Of course, this was before watches were affordable and things like cable boxes, microwaves and, of course, cellphones filled our homes with constant reminders of the time. Nowadays, clocks in general, let alone chiming models, have fallen out of favor. Cuckoo clocks seem antiquated. Like a casino, there are no clocks in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. That’s not for lack of interest, though. The sound of a cuckoo would simply drive our dogs (and us) mad. But what if there was a clock that used messages that we recorded ourselves to announce the arrival of each hour? Wouldn’t that be creepy annoying charming? Thankfully, SkyMall knows that we’re narcissistic timekeepers. That’s why we’re thrilled that they’re selling the Message in Time Clock.Cuckoos are so 1808. In 2011, we need a clock that plays our own messages every hour. You know you’d love to be interrupted by the sound of your daughter yelling, “It’s two o’clock and I wet the bed again” Who wouldn’t want to be alerted to the fact that they’re late for work by a clock that plays a message from their boss? Even better, your clock could play the sound of your mother nagging you at 6am and 6pm reminding you that it’s both time to get up and time to call her. Clearly this clock is far less maddening than some cockamamie cuckoo.

Think that clocks should be seen but not heard? Believe that you can easily keep track of time with the myriad time pieces that you already possess? Well, while you apologize for being late to your next meeting, we’ll read the product description:

Record a grandchild’s first words, a close friend’s greeting, or sounds from a special event. Hear that same recorded message at the top of each hour. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination.

What could possibly be annoying about hearing “that same recorded message at the top of each hour”?

Sure, you could check your cellphone or look at your watch, but they don’t play the dulcet tones of your own voice with each passing hour. What’s the fun in that? You’d be cuckoo not to buy this clock.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Portable Neck Traction

by Mike Barish on

Neck and back pain are topics that we have covered quite a bit in this SkyMall Monday space. Whether you have a kink in your neck from a long flight, stiffness from sleeping awkwardly or just tweaked some muscles attempting to carry your rolling luggage on your back, neck pain can derail your day faster than a train getting derailed. Seeing a chiropractor is unreliable and expensive. Besides, if they were real doctors they’d have degrees from real medical schools. Who has the time and libido for regular massages? SkyMall offers massage options, but they are simply temporary solutions. To treat chronic neck problems, you need to truly attack the problem. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But, Mike, can’t we just use the NECKpro Traction Device that you covered over two years ago?” Sure, but that device requires you to sit in the doorway. That’s fine if your neck hurts in the middle of an earthquake, but what if you’re traveling or at the office? Traction shouldn’t require you to put a jock strap around your neck while you block the door. That’s why we’re thrilled to see that you can now treat your pain with Portable Neck Traction.Just like monkeys became humans (deal with it, Kansas), neck traction, too, has evolved. What was once a static exercise is now mobile. You can treat your neck with the sweet relief of traction at home, in the car, on carnival rides, on a camel, under the sea, on top of a mountain and on the toilet. No matter where you are, traction is perfectly acceptable. No longer will you risk sexual harassment claims at the office by asking your colleagues for massages. Now you can sit alone at your cube with your neck in an an inflatable collar.

Think that chronic neck pain should be treated by a medical doctor? Believe that extreme remedies such as traction should be overseen by an expert? Well, while you navigate the world of health care, we’ll be reading the product description:

Simply place it around your neck and pump the inflation bulb until you feel a comfortable stretch.

I’ve always wondered what it would be like if a balloon animal choked me to death. It’s about time my inflatable asphyxiation fantasies became a reality.

Pain medication and body rubs can only do so much to alleviate chroinic pain. Eventually, you need to take the issue seriously and inflate a device that will tighten around your neck whether you’re home alone or locked in an airplane bathroom. It’s just the next logical step.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Pillow Speaker

by Mike Barish on

While some people enjoy falling asleep to the soothing sounds of music or the television, the noise can disturb others. Whether you’re at home trying to sleep next to your spouse who prefers peace and quiet or on a plane where you want some background noise to drawn out the passengers around you but also don’t want to disturb them, trying to sleep while also listening to music can be a challenge. I know that I enjoy listening to music while sleeping on planes but I also don’t want to be that guy providing a soundtrack for everyone within five rows. So, finding a way to listen to music, sleep and do it all discreetly is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an economy class seat. Thankfully, SkyMall knows that headphones can be uncomfortable when you’re sleeping and people prefer to rest their heads on their own pillows. That’s why they sell a product that combines the sleep benefits of a pillow with the audio abilities of speakers. That’s right, it’s the Pillow Speaker.It may be easy to sleep with headphones in your ears while you are seated upright on a plane, but that isn’t the case when you’re laying in bed or curled in a first class lay-flat seat. That’s where the Pillow Speaker comes in. You simply plug your iPod into the pillow, rest your head as you normally would and enjoy your music through the speaker built right inside. Who doesn’t want audio components stuffed into their pillows? You can’t spell comfortable without treble*.

Think that listening through headphones is the only polite way to enjoy your music when other people are around? Think that pillows should only be filled with feathers? Well, while you toss and turn all night, we’ll be dreaming about the product description:

No batteries or ear-buds are necessary — you can use the MP3 Pillow Speaker to enjoy music or TV without disturbing others. A great gift for teens or adults, the MP3 Pillow Speaker also helps relieve stress and tension as you drift off to sleep listening to soothing sounds from your audio source.

One must assume that the speakers maximum volume is quite low if it won’t be disturbing anyone around you. That, or since everyone else around you will have the headphones on, they won’t hear your pillow. You’ll be free to relieve stress and tension as you drift off to sleep listening to the soothing sounds of Gwar.

Don’t torture your ears with uncomfortable earbuds. Fall asleep listening to your favorite music while also enjoying your own pillow thanks to the Pillow Speaker. Just don’t turn the volume up too loud or listen to audiobooks of trashy romance novels while in public.

* Not at all true.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Fake TV Burglar Deterrent

by Mike Barish on

Going on vacation should be a stress relief. Putting your job, chores and responsibilities aside for a break from your everyday routine is just what everyone needs. However, leaving your home unattended can be a worrisome endeavor. Sure, you could get a housesitter, but that requires you to trust someone not to rummage through your things, steal your valuables and seduce your cat. Whenever I go away, I worry that someone will break into the SkyMall Monday headquarters and steal all of my favorite gadgets. That fear leads to sleepless nights on the road. So, how can we protect our homes and deter would-be thieves? Thankfully, SkyMall understands our concerns and has just the thing to put our minds at ease and keep our homes safe when we’re traveling. The next time you leave home for a vacation or business trip, you can rest easy thanks to the Fake TV Burglar Deterrent.When I was a kid, my parents would typically leave various lights on in our house when we went away. This would give the appearance that we were home at all times (and that we never slept). As technology advanced, we put the lights on timers, so that it did appear as if the humans in the house were alive and keeping some sort of normal schedule. However, any criminal casing the neighborhood could probably tell that no one was actually home. Since Home Security Decoys were not an option, leaving lights on was the only viable way to deter criminals. The Fake TV Burglar Deterrent takes that strategy to the next level by simulating the flickering light of a television, thus giving your home that “lived in” feel.

Think that a home security system is more than enough to keep your house safe? Believe that no criminal worth his salt will fall for a decoy? Well, while you’re filling out a police report, we’ll be reading the product description:

Using super bright LEDs, the Fake TV Burglar Deterrent Device simulates the light and flickering of a real 27″ HDTV while consuming up to 50 times less power. From outside your home, this fake tv gives the illusion that someone’s inside, so burglars will go elsewhere…make sure the fake TV is not visible from outside.

Burglars will think that you’re home and not wealthy enough to afford a very large television. Most thieves want at least a 32″ TV screen. And, of course, leaving the decoy out of plain sight is probably a solid idea.

Sure, home security systems can keep your home safe, but they aren’t your only option. I’d much rather trust my home to a flickering light than a sophisticated monitoring system. Especially since someone could always just kick in your door.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Products rejected by Skymall

by Mike Barish on

Obviously, we love SkyMall and celebrate it every week right here in this space with SkyMall Monday. We enjoy everything that SkyMall has to offer (with only one exception). It’s no wonder, then, that I was recently quoted in a CNN.com article about SkyMall. Despite being a world-renowned expert in all things SkyMall, even I can learn a thing or two about our favorite in-flight catalog. As such, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the article included a few examples of products that SkyMall has rejected. What horrific inventions would offend SkyMall’s sensibilities so much that they would refuse to peddle such wares? This week, SkyMall Monday takes a look at these rejected items to determine if they truly deserved to be exiled from the skies.

The Frank Former

Pictured above, the Frank Former “turns your favorite hot dog into a smiling “hot dog man” that comes to life before your eyes.” Firstly, I once saw a film entitled “Hot Dog Man” and, let me tell you, nothing about that movie was appetizing. Secondly, unless Dr. Frankenstein is cooking these hot dogs in his laboratory, I highly doubt that they will come to life. Lastly, people love hot dogs because they are simple. Throw one in a bun and eat it with your hands. Cut them up into bite-sized pieces for the kids. No muss, no fuss. The Frank Former appears to be mussy, fussy and full of lies.

Chuck the Yuck

It’s never fun to get airsick (or seasick, for that matter). Thankfully, airlines still provide barf bags for passengers who can’t handle the turbulence and/or “chicken” with “cream sauce.” In fact, those airsickness bags might just be the last free items that airlines still provide. Why, then, would you want to spend your own money on Chuck the Yuck? Perhaps if you wanted to show your style with a “hip line of barf bags, designed to dispose of all pregnancy and kid-related garbage and yuck.” At $4.95 plus $1.25 for shipping for a five-pack, the total works out to more than one dollar per bag. That’s a lot of money to literally throw in the garbage.

GoGirl

Ladies, how often have you envied the fact that men can urinate standing up? We pee on the side of the road when rest stops are unavailable, in the woods on camping trips and in alleys when the line at the bar is just too long. Sure, you can squat in all of those places, but that’s a risky maneuver. Thanks to GoGirl, however, you can now urinate standing up, too! As we typically do, let’s take a look at the product description:

GoGirl is easy to use. Just lower your panties, and put GoGirl against your body, forming a seal. Aim and, well, pee. Pretty simple, huh? GoGirl fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment…While the concept may be new to you, European women have used female urination devices for years.

So much wrong there. Sure, when you first purchase it, you’ll be caring around a clean GoGirl. After you use it? Why yes, that is a pee-soaked funnel next to your unfinished bag of Combos in the glove compartment (or worse, your purse – as if you don’t already have enough stuff in there). Also, Europeans have done plenty of things for years – ignored personal hygiene, expressed racism openly, kept the mullet alive – that I don’t recommend we embrace as Americans.

The upside to GoGirl? They created a promotional video. Their product may not be good enough for SkyMall, but their video (and the woman in the blazer with some epic 1980s shoulder pads) sure did make my day.

So, at least we have that. And, thousands of products that SkyMall does sell so that we can improve our lives. These products might not have made the cut, but we’re all better off because of it.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.