SkyMall Monday: Brobdingnagian Sports Chair

by Mike Barish on

With summer in full swing, we’re all busy attending picnics, parades, baseball games and Renaissance fairs. The problem at all of those events, of course, is seating. Not just whether or not there will be a place to sit, but if that seating is deserving off housing your very important buttocks. You’re a big deal. Sitting on the grass simply is not an option for you. Using the provided seats is an insult. Bleachers? Bleachers are for average people. You’re special. You’re better than the riff raff waiting in line for corn dogs and funnel cakes. You have your corn dogs and funnel cakes delivered directly to you. You’re not part of the hoi polloi who wallow in their own peanut shell fragments. No, you’re above all that. And now you can physically be above it all. Thanks to SkyMall, you can elevate your stature and your person to show the masses that you are better than they could ever hope to be while also obstructing the view of those idiots who thought they had a right see anything. The next time you’re heading to that jousting tournament or checking out a double rainbow, be sure to pack your enormous Brobdingnagian Sports Chair.Big chairs deserve big names. Brobdingnagian is from Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels and refers to a land of giants. See, you’re learning. Now, the word is just used to describe stuff that is abnormally large. Not that there’s anything abnormal about a chair that allows your feet dangle above the ground makes you look like Edith Ann from Sesame Street. It’s perfectly acceptable to set up shop in a gigantic chair in public. It’s your right.

Think that such a large chair that blocks other people’s views is rude? Believe that a blanket on the grass is the only true way to view an outdoor event? Well, if you could stop picking ants out of your food for a minute, maybe you’d be able to read the product description:

This is the portable chair that elevates your physical stature at any outdoor event. Measuring 5-1/2′ tall, the chair is certain to provide stadium seating at any venue, and its 9′ sq. seat affords ample room for fullbody gesticulations. The lofty seat elevates feet well above the ground, where they’re free to dangle and sway. The reinforced powder-coated steel frame and 400-denier rip-stop canvas support up to 400 lbs.

With nine square feet of seat space and security up to 400 pounds, you can keep those corn dogs and funnel cakes coming well into Rascal Flatts’ third encore. As for the full-body gesticulations, I suppose the chair is large enough to invite of a friend up to join you. I worry about the chafing, though.

No longer must you surround yourself with the idiots you call neighbors. Show them that they’re just peasants by kicking them with your dangling feet and dropping deep fried Oreo crumbs on their heads. You’re special. You’re somebody. You’re the owner of the Brobdingnagian Sports Chair.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: The Drib

by Mike Barish on

An awful lot of attention is being paid these days to the dangers of texting and driving. Heck, even Oprah has a No Phone Zone pledge on her website. If Oprah’s covering it, it must be big. However, there’s a much more pressing issue facing drivers that is often overlooked. It destroys lives. It tears apart families. It creates awkward situations. I’m referring, of course, to food spills caused by driving while eating (DWE). SkyMall Monday is the only media outlet drawing attention to this critical issue. In our hectic work-a-day lives, the car is the last bastion of solitude, privacy and ambiance needed to enjoy a quality meal. Whether it’s a fast food hamburger, a shepherd’s pie or a steaming hot bowl of ramen, there’s simply no food that isn’t perfect for eating in the car. But what happens when that a-hole in front of you stops short and forces you to slam on the breaks? Your skirt steak quickly becomes steak on your skirt. You can’t go to work like that. That’s why you need to protect yourself and your loved ones who do your laundry. SkyMall understands how serious DWE is and answered America’s cry for help. From now on, when you’re considering DWE, be sure you also have The Drib.It’s not surprising that SkyMall chose to address this issue. Virtually every food that SkyMall sells is perfect for eating in the car. From cheesesteaks to wings to sausages of every variety, food just makes more sense (and tastes better) when you’re weaving through traffic on the interstate. The mix of adrenaline, drive-time radio and some cheese fondue sitting in your cup holder really lets you know that you’re alive! But, to keep your tie clean and your blouse pristine, you need to drape yourself in a lengthy bib reminiscent of the lead aprons that your dentist uses while taking x-rays.

Think you can eat a sloppy joe drip-free down Lombard Street? Believe that eating while driving is just as dangerous – if not more – than texting while driving? Well, I bet you’ve never eaten goulash in a Yugo. For you non-epicurean motorists, check out The Drib’s product description:

If you’re one of those busy people who frequently grab a quick meal or snack in the parking lot or at your desk, you know how annoying drips and spills can be. Protect your appearance (and your car’s) with The Drib. This foldable, washable, shoulder-to-knee bib was designed to be worn in the car. An absorbent fabric front and moisture-resistant back keep spills in check and large pockets on the bottom catch food spills. Shoulder weights allow for easy use without the need for awkward ties and clips. Folds into its own pocket for compact storage.

You know those times when you put on a jacket, stick your hand in the pocket and find a five dollar bill? Well, imagine putting on The Drib and finding an old turkey leg in there? Talk about a lucky day!

Sure, you could eat at home or when you get to the office, but you spend enough time with your family and your co-workers. Your car is your fortress of solitude. Your dress shirt and pleated khakis are your tights. That means you need a cape. The Drib is that cape…worn on the front…with pockets…and lots of BBQ sauce stains.

So, stop texting in the car and start masticating. That turducken isn’t going to eat itself (but it will allow you to drive in the carpool lane).

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Lighted Nail Clipper/Magnifier

by Mike Barish on

I’m going to be honest with you, many of you disgust me. Seriously, you are gross, impolite, awful people. Not all of you. Just those of you who think it’s perfectly acceptable clip your toenails in public. You know who you are. I’ve seen you on the subway. I’ve heard your clippers in bathroom stalls. Hell, I’ve seen you on airplanes! How do you sleep at night? Nail clipping is a private affair. It should be done in your own bathroom or seated immediately next to a trash receptacle. Any other locations are wrong on both a moral and ethical level. At the SkyMall Monday headquarters (which is shared with Ms. SkyMall Monday and our SkyMall Monday canines), nail clipping is done behind closed doors lest someone lose an eye to shrapnel. Not only do I dislike rudeness, I don’t want to date a one-eyed woman. And certainly not one whose ocular misfortune was caused by her keratin carelessness. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that nail clipping is an activity that must be done whilst one is squirreled away in a bathroom with wan lighting. To keep your cuticles cute, you’ll need proper equipment while you’re in exile. That’s why you need the Lighted Nail Clipper/Magnifier.Let’s start off with a list of places where you should NOT be clipping your nails:

  • On any form of public transportation
  • In your place of business
  • On a couch next to any other human being
  • On a couch when you are alone
  • Near a couch
  • In any room with wall-to-wall carpeting or a thick area rug
  • On a bed
  • Church/synagogue/mosque/any place of worship
  • Movie theater
  • Broadway theater
  • Interpretive dance theater
  • Buses
  • Planes
  • Trains
  • Hot air balloons
  • During any form of surgery
  • 99.9% of places on Earth

With that cleared up, we can move on. If you are going to clip your nails, you want to do so safely. You need proper lighting and adequate views of the nails in question. Biting is never an option. Precision is key. If you think touching the sides while playing Operation is scary, imagine fucking up one of your phalanges. If you think I’m exaggerating, you’re probably gnawing on your toenail as you read this. You’re an animal. Read the product description while I dry heave because of you:

Easily and safely trim your nails with this lighted nail clipper. Quality stainless steel spring loaded cutters for long use and includes batteries for LED light.

Batteries are included. For that alone, it gets the SkyMall Monday Seal of Approval. Throw in the fact that it’s “perfect for seniors and visually impaired” and allows for “smooth, fast, precise trimming,” and you’ll almost look forward to being banished to the bathroom while you trim your nails. Just be careful. I get worried when anything is spring loaded. That sounds like a recipe for eye damage. And you know how I feel about eye damage.

Now that you have the proper tools, there’s no excuse for clipping your nails anywhere near me or any other human being. Do the right thing, people. Clip in private. Clip with precision. Clip with dignity.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on
Travel is a grimy, germ-filled activity that tests the limits of our tolerance for all things bacterial. Recycled plane air, cramped buses and less-than-hygienic hotel rooms all conspire to infect us. Staying healthy on the road is essential if you want to enjoy your holiday or get the job done on a business trip. However, you also want to look good when you’re traveling so that you can woo a sexy local or dress the part of a savvy business traveler. How do you keep germs at bay while also looking like the dapper gadabout that you are? Rather than compromise form for function, you deserve to look your best while continuing to feel your best. No one knows that better than the mad scientists at SkyMail. That’s why they provide you with a way to deter bacteria while inviting attention. It’s time to get sassy while staying healthy with the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask.

I traveled with the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask from the subways of New York City to the wide open spaces of Yellowstone National Park to a hot air balloon in Turkey’s Cappidocia region. Did it keep me healthy and appropriately dressed?

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If you’re an avid SkyMall Monday reader, you’re already familiar with Sling Couture. We reviewed their signature arm sling earlier this year. It kept us looking sophisticated while convalescing. But preventing infections and diseases is a much tougher task. I was skeptical that a flashy mask could help me avoid picking up a bug while on the road, so I put it through a series of rigorous tests.

Available in 12 styles, there’s a Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask to suit every person and mood. I tested Red Glitter, which brought out my eyes.

I headed underground to the New York City subway armed with my Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask and stood prominently in the middle of a train car. New York City subway trains are far from sanitary. Along with muffled announcements and loud music escaping from headphones, coughing is a ubiquitous sound on the subway. No matter how many people wheezed, coughed or sneezed, I stood clear of the closing doors in my shiny mask and stood out as a fashion icon in a city known for style.

From there, I took the skies and flew west to Jackson, WY. Planes are Petri dishes of bacteria. The air is stale, the space is cramped and you can feel every cough and sneeze on the back of your neck. However, I read the SkyMall catalog with no problem despite several passengers sounding as if they had typhoid. And I did so while not being one of those overly casual fliers wearing a tracksuit.

The toughest test of all soon followed as the Fashion Face Mask came with me to Turkey. The air in Istanbul is thick. Approximately 12 million people live in Turkey’s largest city and, despite its many cosmopolitan neighborhoods, it still struggles to fully modernize. As I crossed the Bospherus from Asia to Europe, I donned my mask. I stayed healthy while also looking as if I belonged in the European Capital of Culture.

If there is one downside to the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask, it’s that the mask itself is not particularly breathable. But breathability is not a major concern when evaluating face masks. They are less like doctors masks and more similar to masks used by painters or construction workers. That said, they do a fantastic job at keeping asbestos at bay.

Travel is taxing, exhausting and, at times, sickening. Protect yourself and celebrate your style with the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask. You’ll look good, feel good and only slightly confuse everyone around you.

Be sure to check out the gallery of photos from my travels with the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.