SkyMall Monday: Body Back Buddy

by Mike Barish on

Portability has been the driving force behind most technological innovations in the last few decades. Phones became mobile. Those mobile phones became smaller. Computers begat laptops which begat netbooks which could possibly become antiquated if tablets have anything to say about it. Not all tools have been made portable, though. Sadly, coat racks remain stationary devices despite the fact that our jackets exist solely to be taken places. Yet, when the time comes to take a coat off in a car, plane or any other warm/indoor place, there’s no rack on which to hang those coats.

How is this possible? How are we not taking coat racks with us to handle our removed jackets? Why are we still tying our outerwear around our waists as if we’re Joey Lawrence? Finally, we can stop asking those philosophical questions because our long nightmare is over. The coat rack has gone portable and we have SkyMall to thank for bringing this technology into the 21st century. This week, SkyMall Monday is beyond excited to feature an invention that will forever change how you hang your coats when you leave the house. Feast your eyes on the Body Back Buddy.While it may seem strange to name a portable coat rack the “Body Back Buddy,” it’s pretty logical when you think about it. I mean, you wear coats on your body so that they cover your back. Something that holds those precious coats once they’ve been removed is clearly your buddy. So, yeah, the name isn’t odd at all. It’s fantastic.

Think that a portable coat rack is an idiotic idea? Think that people should just wear their coats all the time? If that’s the case, why do they make malls so hot in the winter? Think about that while you’re reading the product description:

Our most popular design reflects years of feedback from massage therapists, chiropractors, and physical therapists. With 11 therapy knobs, the Body Back Buddy stimulates in between muscles and pinpoints trigger points for a more finely-tuned treatment.

The Body Back Buddy is engineered to be lightweight, strong and easy to use. This portable massager combines the best of the Body Back Buddy features for those who want the ultimate self massage tool.

Wait. It’s a personal massager? Then why does it look like a coat rack*? What the hell’s a therapy knob? I’m so confused.

Well, whatever this thing does, it does it well. And it’s portable. Portability is key. That’s why you need the Body Back Buddy.

* I know you’re thinking, “Mike, it looks like a dildo tree. Why didn’t you make more jokes about that?” I couldn’t disagree with you more. It looks like a dildo vine. Believe me, I wanted to write this whole post about how the Body Back Buddy is clearly a sex toy sent from the future to protect me from the other sex toys that will one day become sentient and destroy us all. Sadly, though, the last time I made SkyMall Monday that sexual, the internet threw up in the comments section. So, instead you got this coat rack post. Hope you’re happy, prudes!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Pooch Power Shovel

by Mike Barish on

You’d be hard-pressed to find a dog owner who truly enjoys picking up their pet’s poop (unless their into scat films, in which case you’d be wise to give them a wide berth). Scooping poop is demoralizing, tedious and, if done sloppily, unhygienic. One slip up and that poop goes from to the ground to your finger, to your bagel, to your lips, to your wife’s lips to the FedEx guy’s…well, you get the point. It’s a roll of the E. coli dice every time you go to fetch that feces. Plus, all that bending over and the condescending looks from your dog make you feel like a Grade A nimrod. Who wants to deal with that? As a dog owner, I know that picking up poop takes up to 45 seconds of my life everyday. Between bending down, picking it up, tying the bag and then placing the bag in the trash bin, I lose the opportunity to watch one-and-a-half television commercials. How will I know what to buy? That’s why here at SkyMall Monday headquarters, we’ve stopped bending over and dealing with crap. We’ve once again turned to SkyMall to make out lives less, well, crappy. Literally. That’s why we use the Pooch Power Shovel.As you can see from the video above, the Pooch Power Shovel does everything that your hand can do but louder and for more money. In that respect, it’s like a chatty hooker. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. You can learn a lot from a chatty hooker. No longer will you have to bend over like some, um, hooker while picking up your dog’s business. You can just suck it all up like a, er, hooker. Maybe we should just read the product description:

There’s no bending, scooping or even touching. In fact, with the push-button convenience of the Pooch Power Shovel, it’s the next best thing to having someone else do the picking up for you…It doesn’t matter if you own a single Chihuahua or multiple large breed canines, the robust motor and rechargeable battery can pick up a whole yard’s worth of waste in one go.

Now, if you could get someone to do the poop scooping for you, that would be a perfect storm. Is it worth mentioning that it’s really more of a vacuum (or reverse leaf blower) than a shovel? Probably not. What about how it’s creepy when you dress kids exactly like their parents? No, we’ll gloss over that, as well. Should we discuss that kids who wear those dress shirts with white collars look like miniature Gordon Gekkos (and that’s not a good thing). Let’s just robustly move on then.

If you want to continue to pick up your dog’s poop by hand, go for it. I, however, believe that the best things in life are worth paying for. That’s why politicians and athletes love, hm, hookers. You get my point. Now get the Pooch Power Vacuum Shovel.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Brightfeet Lighted Slippers

by Mike Barish on

The SkyMall Monday headquarters can get pretty dark at night. Not just because it’s built into the side of a mountain like a Bond villain’s lair, but because we here at the home office love to sleep. We don’t enjoy it when anything disrupts our slumber. So, we keep it dark and quiet. Sometimes, however, someone has to get up in the middle of the night to tinkle, and that just causes trouble. Once lights get turned on or screams are generated by toes stubbed in the dark, everyone is awake and upset. Hurtful things are said, bedside books are thrown and another episode of COPS has all the domestic dispute footage that it needs. Thankfully, there’s now a way for people to relieve their bladders without pissing everyone off. No, not rubber sheets. Those are gross and noisy when you are making whoopie. Once again, SkyMall has answered the call of nature people with very specific problems with a logical, practical and handsome solution. Just like cars have headlights, it’s about time that we took responsibility for our own illumination. That’s why we should all keep a pair of Brightfeet Lighted Slippers next to our beds.Here at Gadling, we know a thing or two about footwear with lights. With the Brightfeed Lighted Slippers, we can finally keep our feet warm and our toes away from hazards such as end tables, doors and venomous armoires. The LED lights are weight-activated and light-sensitive, so the lights will only be turn on when you wear the slippers in the dark. Now, instead of turning on the bedroom light and waking your husband/boyfriend/one-night stand/guy you drugged for sport, you can tip-toe to the bathroom quietly and safely.

Think that people should be allowed to turn on the lights when they have to get up in the middle of the night? Think that without turning on the lights that people will urinate all over the toilet seat, floor and toothbrush holder? Well, you should stop peeing while you have an erection. You should also read the product description:

It’s like having nightlights on your feet – ideal for night time trips to the bathroom, kitchen or kid’s room.

It’s not only like having nightlights on your feet, it’s literally having nightlights on your feet. Though, I usually prefer my nightlights to look like Sesame Street characters or smell like lavender.

Waking up in the middle of the night is never fun. Waking up someone else in the middle of the night is a recipe for a fight at some ungodly hour that results in you being cranky at the office and your coworkers to suspect that there are problems at home. Then they’ll start asking if you want to go to lunch at the local Outback Steakhouse to talk and, well, that just sounds depressing. So, if you’re going to pee at 2:00am, I suggest that you do it quietly, efficiently and away from your sleeping companion(s). Get your hands (or, I suppose, feet) on some Brightfeet Lighted Slippers and start making your way to the bathroom – and through life – unimpeded.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Children’s Gym Equipment

by Mike Barish on

With summer in full effect, everyone is hyper-sensitive about how they look. It’s been one of the hottest summers in decades, which means skimpier clothing and lots of time spent in bathing suits. And that means exposed skin and – sadly – exposed flaws. From beer bellies to muffin tops to hot dogs on the backs of people’s necks, fat rears its ugly head in numerous unflattering ways. I’m not talking about adults who have let themselves go. No, I’m talking about kids who have hit the Dunkaroos just a little too hard. Thankfully, we can start nipping those problems in the bud before they ever have a chance to weigh kids down (see what I did there?). Now there’s a way to keep children fit, ripped and juiced up so that they look their best when sliding down the Crocodile Mile. Who do we have to thank for getting our kids in shape? SkyMall, of course. Who else would realize that kids can’t stay healthy simply by playing freeze tag and Red Rover. They need an intense workout regimen that focuses on their glamor areas. You know, arms, abs and butt. The muscles that keep those girls coming back for more than just nap time. They need the Fun & Fitness children’s gym equipment.Everybody knows that kids who like to party are really into GTL. You know, Gymboree, Toilet Training, Lunchables. That’s what keeps them looking good and attracting the attention of all those hotties at the playground. If you’re gonna look like a gorilla juicehead in your Ed Hardy kids wear, you need to be huge. All the more reason to buy the entire Fun & Fitness line of children’s gym equipment.

Fun & Fitness Air Walker

Finally, a Gazelle for children so that Tony Little can yell at someone who also rocks an adorable blond ponytail. Your kid’s calves and butt will firm up in weeks, allowing them to look great in miniskirts and wedges when they hit the birthday party circuit.

Fun & Fitness Weight Bench

No one wants to be that wimpy kid who can’t even get his straw into a pouch of Capri Sun (Author’s Note: Yes, I know that those pouches were hard for everyone – WTF). Little girls like boys who are ripped. Big biceps mean big pushes on the swings.

Fun & Fitness Treadmill

Sure, your kids could simply do what all kids have done since the dawn of time: run around in circles until they are exhausted and dizzy. But where’s the discipline in that? Your children need to be able to monitor their speed, distance and – seriously – calories burned. If your little girl ate too many slices of pizza before bed after a night of partying with Pixy Stix, she has to sweat it all out the next morning before cruising the boardwalk.

Fun & Fitness Stationary Bike

Teaching your children to ride bikes is worthless. They’re just going to fall and cry and tear holes in their Jeans Diapers. Instead, let them track their distance and – again, seriously – calories burned while listening to the latest beats from Kidz Bop.

You could continue to let your kids play games, run around in the backyard and, you know, be children, but then you’d just be an irresponsible parent with well-adjusted offspring. If you want your kids to look good, be popular and get with all the hottest girls in playgroup, then you need to get them them toned and jacked. Juice box abs get the ladies.

So, rather than raising your kids to be losers focused on nonsense like Ring Around the Rosie and math, make sure that they are spending two hours a day pumping foam (you didn’t think the weights were metal, did you?) and running till they work off those Teddy Grahams. If they’re gonna fist pump like little champs, they’ll need to earn it.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Top 10 pieces of spy gear

by Mike Barish on

The world is a scary place. Heck, even the Cold War is heating up (er, cooling off?) again with Russian spies being kicked out of the US. It’s becoming harder and harder to trust anyone, even your family. Here in the SkyMall Monday headquarters, I trust Calvin the Garden Yeti and no one else. In these crazy times, it’s best to find out all the information you can on those around you, lest they try to steal your possessions, kidnap your children or take over your life like that crazy lady from Single White Female. Covert ops are not just for TV and the movies. You need to take matters into your own hands and do constant reconnaissance to be sure that you stay one step ahead of your wife, boyfriend, babysitter, coworker or daughter. Thankfully, SkyMall knows that your paranoia is justified and that a tinfoil hat is not enough to keep you safe from the people who want to steal your thoughts. They have 89(!!!) different items listed in their “Under Cover” spy and surveillance section. If that doesn’t validate your decision to spy on your loved ones, then just do it because it’s fun! This week, we take a look at the top 10 pieces of spy gear in SkyMall.Teddy Bear Hidden Camera – Pictured above, this innocent looking teddy bear houses a heat activated camera which will record your baby’s entire sweaty nap thanks to that handsome and thick wool cap. It also works on grown women who creepily dress like little girls.

Tie Spy Camera – What better way to spy on your coworkers than by placing a camera discreetly in your office attire? Of course, if you work as a lifeguard, you’ll want to make sure that the tie matches your swimsuit.

Cell Phone Spy Text Reader – This device lets you read deleted text messages and review deleted numbers from any cell phone that uses a SIM card. There’s no way your girlfriend can hide her affair – or her obsession with the Justin Bieber fan line – now.

ID Card Hidden Camera – Almost every office requires employees to keep an ID badge with them at all times. So what better way to hide your spy camera then behind that unflattering photo of that kind of makes you look like a pedophile? And, since everyone from your office park eats at the same Applebee’s, you can also use it to see who’s been spitting in your Wonton Tacos.

Tissue Box Internet Camera – The camera in this tissue box streams video directly to the web for you to watch in real time. If you see someone bring a bottle of moisturizer over to the tissues, it may be time to navigate to another website.

Panning Faux Security Camera – You’re not the only person who’s paranoid. Play on your friends’ fears by just making them think that they’re being watched. Now maybe they’ll stop leaving those bags of poop on your front porch.

Electric Outlet Hidden Camera – Since it’s motion-activated, you’ll get great footage of your unattended toddler approaching the outlet immediately before sticking a fork in it.

Wireless Color Mirror Camera – As the product description so poetically puts is, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, catch that burglar once and for all.” Assuming, of course, that the burglar stops in the bathroom to put on some of your makeup. Speaking of which, you look like a clown whore when you wear all that blush.

Cell Phone Voice Changer – I’ll defer to the product description on this one: “No one will recognize your voice with The Cell Phone Voice Changer. Easily change your voice from man to woman, woman to man, a child’s voice, or even a robot–and it will sound completely real and natural.” Now you can call your ex and use that completely real and natural robot voice. She’ll be none the wiser.

Ultra Spy Hearing Ear Muffs – Hear every conversation going on around you while blending into the environment with your massive headphones with two microphones prominently attached to each ear.

Of course, what you do with this equipment is your business. Gadling in no way, shape or form condones you violating any privacy laws or statutes when spying on people. I assume you’ll be using these tools for educational purposes. Though, if I see you in the gym locker room in nothing but a tie, I’m going to punch you in the throat.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.