SkyMall Monday: Box of Applause

by Mike Barish on

You may be shocked to learn that I live in the SkyMall Monday HQ alone. There is no Mrs. SkyMall Monday. And, as difficult as this may be for you to believe, I demand a lot of attention. I need constant reassurance. That’s why I rely so heavily on SkyMall to get me through life. Because, while your friends and family may let you down over and over again, SkyMall will always be there to make you feel good about yourself and put the pieces back together when things don’t work out how you had hoped. And this week, I’m focusing on a product that everyone needs to keep them feeling healthy, happy and appreciated. You see, no matter what your boss, mother or life coach says, you’re awesome. How awesome? So awesome that even inanimate objects adore you. Well, at least the Box of Applause does.

The Box of Applause is just that; It’s wooden box that showers you with the sounds of adoration when opened. Just land a big account at work? Open the box! Score a date with the girl at the coffee shop? Open the box! Or, more likely, enhance your spell casting potential in World of Warcraft? Open the box!

Think it’s sad and pathetic to seek encouragement from a wooden box? Man, you are so judgmental! Who are you to devalue the love and respect of pine box with steel hinges. Only the writers of the product description can melt your icy heart:

Open this box and be greeted with the sounds of cheering and clapping from a very enthusiastic crowd. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting that Oscar, Grammy, or Nobel Peace Prize.

Yes, there’s nothing more exhilarating than closing your eyes and listening to the pre-recorded sounds of people cheering for whomever chose to open a box. You’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. Or at least on top of your online Alf fan club.

So, rather than continue to self-medicate and blame everything on your mother, why not thank her for letting you live in her basement and then celebrate your 38th straight year of “voluntary celibacy” by opening that box? The box will always love you. Just like me.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Wine Glass Holder Necklace

by Mike Barish on

I like to drink. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many of us enjoy a drink or six from time to time. But I also like to eat. When I’m at a cocktail party or a bar, I’m sure to be found enjoying some hors d’oeuvres or or a rack of ribs. And I love to meet new people. There’s nothing more enjoyable than mingling with a crowd and doing elaborately choreographed handshakes with new friends. But, well, I only have two hands. And if one holds my drink and the other holds my food, well, you see where this is going. Thankfully, this week SkyMall Monday solves the problem of being a personable, yet gluttonous, alcoholic. Our favorite catalog has once again foreseen that we are not capable of managing our own lives, so they’ve taken care of everything by allowing us to look fashionable while staying socially lubricated with the Wine Glass Holder Necklace.

Look, we can’t be troubled to put our wine glasses down while we interact with people. We have memories to repress and social anxiety to quell. That’s why this gadget is so ingenious. We should have been wearing our wine glasses around our necks all along. The fact they we don’t have an extra hand extending out of our chests suggests to me that evolution may be a pretty lame theory. I know that I want my red wine precariously dangling around my neck and swinging to and fro as I slalom between people to make my way to the carving station.

Think I’m being too serious about this situation? Your lack of faith in me is really beginning to cause problems in this relationship. But I’ll meet you halfway and let a neutral party explain to you why this product is so amazingly necessary. Take it away, SkyMall product description:

Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip!

Red wine is good for your heart and now it’s close to your heart! See, it’s only natural that we hold our clothing-staining beverages not in out hands but right in our chests. So drink, eat and network all you want at parties because now you’ll have your hands free to indulge. And the best part? It comes as a set of two, so you and your enabler sponsor can mingle together.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: An Interview with SkyMall CEO Christine Aguilera

by Mike Barish on

We’re doing something a little different for SkyMall Monday this week. There will be no review of an amazing and much-needed SkyMall product. Instead, I am pleased to share with you my interview with the CEO of Skymall, Christine Aguilera. Ms. Aguilera was kind enough to answer my questions despite the fact that she is familiar with SkyMall Monday and reads my reviews. In fact, she admitted to finding me funny. As such, I respect and admire her greatly.

Even after learning that Ms. Aguilera was not the multiplatinum recording sensation, I was still eager to get her thoughts on the inner workings of SkyMall, its most popular products and who in their right mind would buy medical supplies from an airplane catalog.

What is the best-selling product in SkyMall’s history?

The Mosquito Magnet, an electronic device to attract and kill mosquitoes. It debuted in SkyMall and is our top seller to date. We’ve also sold a ton of nose hair trimmers.

What is currently the most popular product in terms of recent sales?

Top-selling products change from week to week. Some of the recent top sellers include: The Edge Baking Pan, the iPhone iPod battery, the upside-down tomato garden, and the spy pen.
Currently, how many different products does SkyMall offer?

There are approximately 2,000 products in our in-flight catalog and 15,000 products online.

Do vendors approach SkyMall to carry their products?

We receive approximately 100 inquiries per week regarding featuring product in the SkyMall catalog and on SkyMall.com. We also have a team of merchandisers that work directly manufacturers and attend trade shows to find new and interesting products.

Is there a giant SkyMall warehouse with all of the products or do you partner with your vendors to handle the shipment of orders?

SkyMall does not warehouse any inventory; all merchandise is shipped directly by the product supplier.

How many airlines carry SkyMall?

SkyMall is on 13 airlines and Amtrak. The title of the catalog on Amtrak is “TravelMall” but it features the same products as the SkyMall catalog.

Who vets potential products to make sure that they are suitable for SkyMall?

We have a team of merchandisers that review each product.

Could I be the official SkyMall product tester? How does one get such a job?

We don’t really have one official product tester but you are more than welcome to buy a bunch products and post reviews on SkyMall.com. We would LOVE that!

Has SkyMall ever refused to carry a product?

SkyMall carries products that are innovative, unique, or solution oriented. If something doesn’t fit that description, it won’t be considered. We also make sure that products are appropriate for “family friendly” viewing.

Who writes the product descriptions for SkyMall?

Most descriptions come directly from the catalog partner. Some are written by SkyMall staff.

Q: Should people be purchasing Shingles medication from SkyMall?

A: Only if they have Shingles.

How often is the paper catalog updated?

The inflight catalog is updated four times each year. We are constantly adding new product to SkyMall.com

How many catalogs are printed annually?

About 20 million.

How has the popularity of internet shopping affected SkyMall’s business?

The internet has been great for us. We’ve had a site since 1996. On SkyMall.com we can feature more products, include product reviews, and interact with customers in new ways.

What percentage of SkyMall sales come from the catalog vs. the website?

60% website, 40% catalog

What is the “Mobile Virtual Store” that SkyMall has launched?

SkyMall has a mobile shopping site. Customers can view product and make purchases directly from their mobile devices. They can also SMS an item number to 49432 to make a purchase.

Has Snuggie‘s direct marketing campaign affected SkyMall’s sales of the Slanket?

The Slanket was very popular this past winter. We don’t really have a way to gauge if its sales were impacted by competing products.

Is there such thing as a “typical” or “average” SkyMall customer?

They’re typically earlier adopters of technology and business decision makers…they like to have things the neighbors don’t have.

What is your favorite current SkyMall product?

The Wonder Woman bracelet! Really!

Do you purchase SkyMall items? What do you own from the catalog?

All the time…a door mat, bug vacuum, wine chiller, Jumpin Jammerz, giant cupcake pan.

SkyMall is known for carrying some, shall we say, odd products. What do you think the public’s perception of SkyMall is?

For every wacky product that someone sees, they see another that they just have to have. What I think is cool, you might think is ridiculous and vice versa.

Even you must think that some of the products in SkyMall are a bit strange. Which products make you shake your head and wonder, “Who would buy that?”

I’m not a big fan of the Garden Yeti (but our VP of Marketing loves hers.)

What do you say to people who laugh at SkyMall or some of the products?

I’m glad we’ve made you smile! People should do more of that!

Should people be purchasing Shingles medication from SkyMall?

Only if they have Shingles.

Touché, Ms. Aguilera. Touché.

Special thanks to Joey O’Donnell of SkyMall for his assistance in coordinating this interview.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Fun Friends Phone Covers

by Mike Barish on

Technology keeps getting smaller and smaller. Televisions are ultra-thin, netbooks let people compute on the go, and, of course, cell phones have gotten downright minuscule. But not all small things are cute. Just ask my ex-girlfriends. Zing! I kid. Seriously, though, we all want our gadgets to convenient and cool-looking. That’s why I’ve clean the SkyMall Monday headquarters with Hello Kitty technology. But when it comes to phones, the only way to jazz them up are with cases. And most cases are drab and practical. Who wants a boring leather case that only douchebags clip to their belts? Other than douchebags, I mean. No, we want some attractive yet pragmatic cell phone cases that show the world that we’re awesome. That’s why everyone needs to pick up a Fun Friends Phone Cover.

Suitable for business and leisure use, the Fun Friends Phone Cover not only protects your phone but will elicit envy from everyone in a 100-foot radius of you. Imagine how easy it will be to find your phone in your purse once it’s enrobed inside that dog (that is a dog and not a guinea pig, right?). If that ambiguous animal isn’t right for you, there are plenty of styles to choose from ranging from Bettie to Larry to Puss Puss.

In case you’re having doubts about why you need a Fun Friends Phone Cover, let’s take a look at the product description for Cheeser:

Cheeser is cute our grey mouse with a white tummy and big ears that will help give your cell phone attitude, while also protecting it from damage.

First of all, I applaud their transpositioning of words. Secondly, I’ve always bemoaned my cell phone’s lack of attitude and had long ago written it off as a bit of a dweeb. But now my phone can have more attitude than Fonzie. And for those of you with bar-style phones, rest assured that there are some Fun Friends Phone Covers for you, too.

Now you’ll be hip and happenin’, and that’s really why we buy gadgets. And you’ll have plenty of friends. Or at least one. A Fun Friend. And that’s all you need, right? RIGHT?!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Basho the Sumo Wrestler Table

by Mike Barish on

Home decorating is never easy. You want to show off your personality, but you don’t want to force it. You want your home to be a reflection of who you are but also an oasis from the rest of your life. With so many styles and motifs from which to choose, it can be overwhelming. Well, that’s why you read SkyMall Monday. Nothing simplifies our lives like our favorite catalog. And now you can show off your class, elegance and love of obese male butt cracks with Basho the Sumo Wrestler Table.

With a subtle flair, this table tells your guests that you’re worldly, cultured and attune to Eastern cultures. Sophisticated yet whimsical, a sumo wrestler table is the yin and the yang of home decor. As you sit down for another dinner of macaroni and cheese with pieces of hot dog baked right in, you can look down through the Mountain Dew-stained glass table top and see a true athletic specimen. How inspiring!

Think I’m going overboard with my praise? Why must you always question me? But, I’ll defend my argument with my favorite tool: the product description.

Our table is topped with a 3/8″-thick, pencil-edged, 27″ dia. tempered glass top for views from any angle. This Toscano-exclusive heavyweight is cast in quality designer resin for display in home or garden

Now, if you asked me (and, by reading this, you kind of did), there is only one angle from which to view this table. I think you know what I mean. And wouldn’t your neighbors just die of envy if they looked over their huge shrubs that still don’t completely hide your backyard from view and saw Basho displayed prominently in your backyard?

While you’re at it, why not snag this accent piece, as well? If you do, you may want to add this to help lift it up.

See, home decorating isn’t so hard! It’s actually pretty soft and jiggly.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.