SkyMall Monday: Looking Good Edition

by Mike Barish on

Summer is here, and we’re looking to get out of the SkyMall Monday headquarters to enjoy some sun, sand and surf. But, well, as I’ve discussed in this space before, I’m not exactly winning a hot body contest anytime soon. Thankfully, our favorite catalog knows that we’re not all going to be beauty queens. That’s why SkyMall helps us hide our flaws and trick others into thinking that we’re the bees knees! This week, we look at not one, not two, but five products that are so perfect, they’ll make all of us look and feel perfect, too! So, keep ordering those supersized English Breakfasts and refrain from exercising. Exercise is for suckers. Let the healing powers of SkyMall wash over you and turn you into the person you were always meant to be. I mean, it beats jogging, right?

ShapeUp Body Slimmer (pictured at above) – Ladies, guys want nothing more than to buy you drinks, get you home and then see you spill out of a human sausage casing. I mean, what’s sexier than 200 pounds of woman in a 150-pound bag?

Instant Face Lift Kit – From the product description: “Special tapes adhere unnoticeably with concealed, fully adjustable elastic bands, lifting sagging skin from face, eye area, neck and jaw line.” And you thought putting taping on your face was only good for laughs.

Body Figure Enhancing Pads (photo at right) – Remember how the ShapeUp Body Slimmer was going to hide all those curves? Well, forget that and add some curves instead. Again, guys love getting you naked and seeing a silicone chicken cutlet clinging to your behind like Garfield on a car window. From the product description: “They stay put even when dancing or exercising.” Who doesn’t want a fake butt stuck to their real butt while they’re putting in an hour on the elliptical machine?

Lip Enhancement Kit – From the product description: “Most beauty experts agree that plump lips are the most important feature for a young and attractive look.” Yep, forget a youthful personality, healthy skin or the absence of a horn. Nothing shaves years off of your appearance like overinflated lips that resemble a couple of Vienna sausages.

Guide to Healthy Aging (photo at right) – I don’t profess to understand what this product is, what services it provides or why it costs $3,495.00. But good lord, look at the picture that accompanies it!

See, it’s so easy to look good, lie to the general public and mask all of your flaws, whether they are real or just perceived that way by the media and the “cool girls” that mocked you in high school. So, tuck away your problem areas, tape up your face, slap on a fake buttock and puff up those lips. Then get outside, get drunk and surprise a lucky guy with all your enhancements. After all, it’s summer. Live it up!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Full Color Photo Throw ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on

Welcome to a very special edition of SkyMall Monday. For the first time in the illustrious history this series, I can provide you with a first-hand, hands-on, handy review of a SkyMall product. This may shock and/or amaze you, but I don’t actually test the products that I review in this space. I know, I know. It seems disingenuous. But you’d be surprised how well you can understand a product when its usefulness is just so plainly obvious. But, when the time came to purchase a going away gift for a friend, I knew that it needed to be the perfect balance of practicality and narcissism. And so, with great optimism, excitement and trepidation, my friends and I ordered the Full Color Photo Throw.

I’ve long been obsessed with the Full Color Photo Throw. I’d wanted to give a blanket with my face on it to someone…anyone…but couldn’t decide who was deserving of such woven perfection. But my friend Jenny solved that riddle when she had the idea to gift the blanket to Asami, our friend who has been in New York studying English for close to a year. What better way to let her know how much we enjoyed her friendship and how badly we’ll miss her than to send her back to Japan with a blanket sporting our charming smiles?

Photos were taken, the order was placed with SkyMall and, very shortly thereafter, we received the packet of instructions for submitting our chosen image. In just a few short weeks, our blanket arrived. To say that we were pleased with the service and quality is an understatement. I mean, it’s a blanket…with our faces on it…and we never had to leave the house. If that’s not that apex of what the internet has to offer, I don’t know what could possibly be coming in the future. I can only hope that it will be a Full Color Photo Throw that flies. And gets good gas mileage.

We presented Asami with the blanket this past weekend and, needless to say, she loved it. She’s eager to get back to Hokkaido and show everyone how amazing her American friends are. And we’ll be famous in Northern Japan for being the blanket people. It’s a win-win.

The Full Photo Throw is fantastic. I recommend it with great confidence and enthusiasm, as proven by the use of this exclamation point! But I would suggest that you include my likeness on any blanket that you order. That seems to be the factor that guarantees the blanket’s success.

So, SkyMall, kudos and huzzah to you. You sell at least one worthwhile product that forwards the human existence and raises the level of discourse in all blanket-related conversations. And you also enabled the creation of a blanket that includes not one, but two Gadling contributors (yep, that’s yours truly in the bottom row in the middle and Jeremy Kressmann in the lower right-hand corner).

I’ll wrap things up with my own “official” product description. SkyMall editors, feel free to use this. It’s my gift to you:

Do you love your friend? Do you love yourself? Do you want to combine that love in a way that won’t result in awkwardness? Then keep your pants on and purchase the Full Color Photo throw instead. You, your friend and your ego will be glad you did.

Photo by Matt Huang.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Waistband Stretcher

by Mike Barish on

Here at the SkyMall Monday world headquarters, we eat a lot. Moderation is a four-letter word, as far as I’m concerned. How can anyone expect me to eat responsibly with all these zig-zagging brownies and giant cupcakes laying around? So, as you can imagine, I’m not exactly in bikini shape this summer. Which is fine, since I’m a dude, but it also means that I’m not in old-timey bathing suit shape either. Sadly, I’ll have to avoid the beach and stay fully clothed this summer. But what if my clothes don’t fit anymore? I mean, I’ve eaten a lot of those giant cupcakes. I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. You may be surprised to learn that writing SkyMall Monday is not exactly the most lucrative endeavor. Basically, I get paid with SkyMall gift cards which I use to purchase more giant cupcake pans. So, how can I make my clothes fit without changing my lifestyle and becoming healthy? Well, I could always force my pants to fit with the Waistband Stretcher!

Now, instead of dieting, exercising, sleeping well and abstaining for alcohol, I can just stretch my pants out until they fit around my robust, girthy torso. I can continue to shovel heaping amounts of homemade donuts into my gullet comforted by the knowledge that my pants are always a quick stretch away from allowing blood flow to my lower extremities. My genitalia have never been more excited!

Don’t believe my excited genitalia? Fine, don’t take their word for it. But you have to trust the product description:

When your waistband feels too snug, reach for the Waistband Stretcher. You don’t have to get rid of your favorite jeans, skirts or slacks thanks to this simple waist-band stretching device that lets you add from 1-5 inches (depending on size of garment) to the waist of cotton pants, skirts, and shorts. Just moisten the garment’s waistband, insert the waistband stretcher, extend the garment to the desired size and let dry – voila, a more comfortable fit!

Of course, once the cupcakes and donuts induce the heart attack that I have scheduled for July, I’m certain to lose a few pounds in the hospital. Comas will do that. I’m sure that there’s a reverse setting on the Waistband Stretcher and I’ll get those 1-5 inches back in no time. Voila, waistband shrunk! No? You can’t unstretch a waistband? Well, back to my diet of choice then.

SkyMall Monday: Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier

by Mike Barish on

We all want to look cool. Cool looking people are just, well, cooler than regular people. Sadly, as we get older, it becomes harder to look cool. Unless you’re Sean Connery, who is just a cool old man. But I digress. Here at SkyMall Monday, it’s important that we always look cool and help you do the same. So, as you age and your faculties begin to fail you, fear not. Our favorite catalog is there to catch us when we fall. If you’re getting up there in years and your hearing is beginning to worsen, you can’t just go around cupping your ear and saying, “What’s that?” at an obnoxious volume. No, you need to discreetly and sexily enhance your hearing. And that’s why there’s no better remedy for your hearing problems than the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier.

This is no average hearing aid. This device looks like one of those fancy-schmancy Bluetooth gadgets that all the hip and happening young professionals are wearing with their Blackberries and whatnots.* Your hair may be silver, your face may have more crow’s feet than, well, a group of crows (which is called a murder), but that doesn’t mean you’re out of touch with today’s trends. With this baby in your ear, you’ll be popping and locking rather than Lindy Hopping in no time.

Think I’m over-playing my hand? Well, the joke’s on you because we’re not even playing cards. But, as always, the proof is in the pudding product description:

If a conventional hearing aid sounds like an embarrassment to you, try the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations and even hear soft voices from 50 feet away. Now you can enjoy the best of both worlds: a more youthful appearance and better hearing.

So, if a minuscule, flesh-colored, in-ear hearing aid sounds like an embarrassment to you, why not be that guy who keeps his phone earpiece on at all times? People are sure to think that you’re a cool old man now. Now, if you could only figure out how to use those new-fangled cellphones and could convince your grandkids to turn down that noise that they call the hip hops.

* And by hip and happening I mean tremendously douchey.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Chatter Talking Pet Bowl

by Mike Barish on

Sadly, there are no pets in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. I travel too much to have a dog and cats are just terrible. I had a turtle once, but I had to get rid of him when I discovered that he was anti-Semitic. But I know plenty of pet owners and they always feel terrible when they have to leave their animals home alone. They always worry that their pets will be lonely or miss them so much that they’ll just die. Or pee on the rug. I think only that second part may be true. I don’t always listen when other people talk. Especially about their pets. But I digress. I’m sure that pets get sad when they are alone, so what better way to remind them that they are loved by confusing them with a disembodied voice? Thankfully, SkyMall is prepared to perplex your pets with the Chatter Talking Pet Bowl.

The Chatter Talking Pet Bowl allows you to record a message that plays when your furry friend attempts to peacefully enjoy a snack. Surely your pet will love hearing your voice and then scouring the house to find you. Imagine his joy as he realizes that his loving owner is home and ready to play. Of course, he’ll think you live inside his food bowl, which is odd. But hey, you’re his magical owner who is capable of amazing things like providing him with food and rubbing his belly. No doubt you can also be inside his food dish and/or invisible.

Still don’t think that fooling your pet with a recorded voice is a brilliant idea? Think you’re better than me? Get off your high horse and read the product description:

Does your pet miss you when you’re away? Now your baby can hear your voice any time with the ChatterBowl talking pet bowl…the ChatterBowl helps keep your best friend company, even when you’re away from home.

Your pet needs you at all times. You can’t expect an animal that is entertained by shiny lights and car horns to occupy itself all day without you. It needs to hear your voice at all times just like you love to hear it too. Because you are so important.

So, love and confuse your pet with the Chatter Talking Pet Bowl. Your pet may not care, but you’ll be glad you did.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.