SkyMall Monday: You Go Girl!

by Mike Barish on

Going to the bathroom on planes is never pleasant. In fact, doing your business anywhere in public can be nerve-wracking. Many public restrooms smell unpleasant and are filthy. Beyond that, there’s the embarrassment caused by the sounds emanating from our behinds and the ensuing odors created by the gastrointestinal festivities. There’s nothing more awkward than emerging from the stall after a particularly loud and aromatic session to find people at the sinks visibly traumatized by the experience. That’s why we only go number two at SkyMall Monday headquarters. We have a soundproof bathroom built two miles below ground inside a mountain. For those of you who didn’t have your facilities designed by a military contractor, SkyMall has just what you need to keep your bathroom business from becoming a public fiasco. The next time you have to use a public restroom to evacuate your bowels, be sure to bring along some You Go Girl!For those of you who think that women neither pass gas nor defecate, it’s time to grow up. All manner of things come out of women’s bodies and some of those events are more odoriferous than others. Unlike men, women do not celebrate the size, shape and pungency of their fecal trophies. In fact, women feel great shame when their number two is loud and noxious. That’s why they need a concealer.

Think that noises made by bodily functions are normal and healthy? Believe that we’re all mature enough to handle naturally occurring events without embarrassment? Well, while you suffocate in a port-o-potty, we’ll be reading the product description:

Reduce bathroom anxiety on airplanes, restaurants or at work with You Go Girl. Just pour a packet into the toilet before use to mask embarrassing odors, dampen sounds and eliminate splash. Biodegradable, phosphate-free formula is safe to flush, and each packet is small enough to carry discreetly in your purse, day bag or pocket, so you can feel confident taking care of business away from home.

Toilet splash is the 84th leading killer of women in public restrooms*. Eliminating this damp scourge is worth the $12.85 for a 10-pack.

Like you, I was baffled by how such a product could not only eliminate odor, but also dampen sounds and eliminate splash. Thankfully, the company has produced an informational video. Even more thankfully, that video utilizes computer animation. I trust that you will see the brilliance of You Go Girl! Of course, men do not need this product. Our farts sound like Lynyrd Skynyrd and smell like fresh baked apple pie.

* Maybe.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: SunCap Hat

by Mike Barish on

Sure, it’s nice to look a little bronzed in the summer. Who doesn’t enjoy being just a bit “sun-kissed” when they’re showing off more skin in the hot weather? However, the sun is a fickle bitch-goddess and things can go from tan to burnt quicker than you can say SPF. It’s always important to protect ourselves from the sun (which is why we’ve stopped using our foil reflector when we have our SkyMall Monday Tanfests). Beyond sunscreen, doctors recommend wearing a hat to shade your head and face, along with sunglasses to prevent damage to your eyes. But who wants to carry all of that stuff around? And how many pairs of sunglasses have you lost over the years? Thankfully, SkyMall is here to keep us from turning red. The next time you’re ready to hit the beach, pool, music festival, picnic, sporting event, festival, monster truck rally or poker tournament, be sure to don your very own SunCap Hat.Who wants to attach one of those lanyards to their glasses? Those things are just for the elderly and boat owners. Flip up sunglasses haven’t been hip since we graduated from Hillman College. If you need sunglasses and a hat (both of which are essential travel items), it’s best to combine them so that you never lose either (or, you know, to ensure that you lose both).

Think that combining a hat and sunglasses makes as much sense as attaching a watch to gloves? Believe that the words ‘cap’ and ‘hat’ mean the same thing and are redundant when used together? Well, while you apply some zinc to your nose, we’ll be reading the product description:

The unique design of the SunCap incorporates stylish polycarbonate sunglasses that slide up and down through a slit in the hat’s bill with just the push of a finger.

Don’t worry about losing, forgetting or damaging your sunglasses. They’re always there when you need them, fastened to your cap.

It’s the most fun you’ll have sliding something through a slit all day.

So, if you have fair skin and an icy stare that needs to be revealed, be sure to protect yourself in the most stylish way possible. If you can’t do that, then get the SunCap Hat.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: GermBana Face Gator, Gloves & Scarf

by Mike Barish on

Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean that you can’t get sick. While we associate the flu and other ailments with winter, summer colds are common and can derail our warm weather wackiness. Travel, of course, is always germ-laden but you don’t need to venture that far from home to encounter illness. Heck, your mailman delivers filthy papers to you everyday. That lunch buffet that you frequent because it has both tacos and spaghetti? Yeah, it also has E. coli. Your kids? Ticking time bombs filled with fecal matter. Thankfully, there is a way to protect yourself without resorting to living in a bubble. SkyMall is here to help us live our full and filthy lives. Now, we can safely leave the SkyMall Monday headquarters and you can, too, can enjoy that whole big world out there thanks to the GermBana Face Gator, Gloves and Scarf.GermBana products are “made from Fibrant, the revolutionary fabric infused with a natural agent that kills germs on contact, including MRSA. Fibrant incorporates an advanced moisture management system to keep you cool, dry and odor free.” Sure, Fibrant sounds like the name of a brightly-colored fiber cereal, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t work.

GermBana Face Gator

Let’s start with the product description:

The Face Gator is designed to be worn discreetly around your neck and pulled up over your nose and mouth when you need added protection from germs or are sick and want to keep your germs away from others.

It will look totally natural when you move it from your neck to your mouth right as that gross guy from your department sits down next to you in the conference room.

GermBana Gloves

The Gloves are designed so they are comfortable to wear all day. Whether you are shopping or traveling in places where you may be handling germ-invested products or touching surfaces that can transfer germs to your face or loved ones, the Gloves will protect you and others.

We’ll ignore for a moment that it describes the gloves as “germ-invested,” as gold is trading at a much higher price than germs right now and, thus, is the wiser investment. More importantly, it’s about time that we had gloves that we can wear all day. From the grocery store to church to crime scenes, we’ll stay healthy and inconspicuous.

GermBana Scarf

The Scarf is designed to be worn around the neck and used to kill germs when you cough or sneeze into it, rather than your arm where germs can live up to 48 hours.

The pockets hold tissue or hand sanitizer, and can double as mittens when you have to touch germ-infested surfaces.

Since none of us bathe, germs live on our arms for two days. The pockets, of course, can hold more than tissues and hand sanitizer. You can keep your Fashion Face Mask or other customized masks in there. You could even keep your foil hat.

So, step back into the world and don’t worry about getting sick. That means more time to go to work, take care of your kids and do all those errands that your spouse keeps nagging you about. Hooray!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Top 5 places to sleep with the Pillow Tie

by Mike Barish on

Life is full of boring events. Our parents, spouses and religious leaders constantly drag us to occasions that are beyond dull. With hundreds of cable channels, air conditioning and beer easily accessible in our own homes, why do we need to go anywhere? Heck, we can have all of that in our beds if we have a remote control cooler around! If it was up to me, I’d never leave SkyMall Monday headquarters. It’s cozy, full of entertainment options and blissfully devoid of a dress code. Sadly, however, I get invited to an infuriating amount of social functions, many of which require me to put on pants. Thankfully, there’s now an accessory that allows me to look formal while also drowning out the boring speeches that are happening around me. I can attend various engagements while still being a lethargic lump. Sound too good to be true? Well, you can do it too thanks to SkyMall. Today we take a look at the top five places to sleep with the Pillow Tie.Where can you take advantage of this marvel of engineering and fashion? Theoretically, anywhere you’d like. However, you’ll appreciate it more at some of life’s most tedious affairs. Before we breakdown where you can use it, let’s check out the product description:

Boring meetings, hour-long conference calls–might as well make yourself comfy. Looks and ties like traditional neckwear but inflates with a few puffs, then it’s sweet dreams for the wearer.

Why limit ourselves? Let’s take a look at the top 5 places to sleep with the Pillow Tie:

5. The Office

Just like the product description discussed, work is dull. Who cares about Q1 reports and sexual harassment policies? Use those meetings as a chance to recharge your batteries.

4. Wedding Ceremonies

The emphasis here is on the ceremonies. You don’t like seeing your friends’ public displays of affection or listening to them baby talk with their significant others, so why do you suddenly want to hear them gush about each other and then kiss in front of you? Rest up during the ceremony and you’ll have the energy you need to dominate the cocktail hour. Remember, like an infielder charging a ground ball, you get to the passed hor d’oeuvres faster if you go to them.

3. Conferences

Fine, your company sent you to Las Vegas for your industry’s biggest meeting of the year. Does that mean that you have to care? It’s a free trip to Vegas! Love the nightlife, and then sleep off all that boogying while some keynote speaker drones on about who knows what.

2. Public Transportation

It’s in your best interest to skip most of those sights and smells.

1. Bars

You worked hard all day and now just want to avoid going home to your needy family for a few extra hours. It beats going to a fast food restaurant and embarrassingly falling asleep next to your melon soda.

Where would you sleep with the Pillow Tie? Let us know in the comments.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Remote Control Beverage Cooler

by Mike Barish on

Summer’s here and it’s time to kick back by the pool with some ice cold drinks. The problem with spending time outside, however, is that you end up far away from your refrigerator. How is one supposed to keep himself refreshed when all of the Zima is chilling in the kitchen (assuming, of course, that said kitchen is in Japan, where Zima is still produced)? You can’t be expected to get up from your chaise lounge, walk several feet, endure the arctic blast of air conditioning once you enter your home and then retrieve a beverage that is held captive behind some heavy refrigerator door. It’s 2011, after all. Here at SkyMall Monday headquarters, our dog butlers deliver all of our drinks to us, but we understand that such service is not an option for everyone. Thankfully, SkyMall has just what you need if your domesticated animals have yet to learn how to deliver cold liquid refreshment to you. Put your feet up, stay out of the kitchen and quench any thirst with the Remote Control Beverage Cooler.For decades, we’ve been told that robots would make our lives easier in the future. Well, the future is now. From Rosie in The Jetsons to the robot in Rocky IV to Vicki on Small Wonder, robots have promised us easier and more fulfilling lives. Now, the time has come for the rise of the machines. What’s the worst that could happen?

Think that getting up to grab a beer isn’t hard work? Believe that modern conveniences are making us lazy? Well, while you try to open a bottle with your teeth, we’ll be reading the product description:

Get up and walk all the way over to the cooler for a cold one? Not necessary. Just point your remote, and get your drink delivered, no cabana boy required. This fun remote-control cooler holds up to a dozen bottles or cans plus ice, plus collapses for easy storage; make it go forward, back, turn or spin just by adding batteries.

It’s perfect for when your cabana boy is on strike (stop asking for dental insurance, Raúl!) or for when you want to spin your beer in circles to make it explode upon opening.

Of course, the best reason to purchase the Remote Control Beverage Cooler is because you’re a raging misogynist.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.