SkyMall Monday: Solar Powered Rainbow Maker

by Mike Barish on

The world is filled with miracles. The problem with miracles, however, is that they happen so infrequently and with no explanation.

Generating miracles used to be impossible. You can lead a horse to a narwhal, but you can’t make them produce a unicorn. With so much pain and suffering in the world, we’re running severely low on miracles. Waiting around for the universe to produce them is no longer a viable option. We need to start churning out miracles like we did Model T’s and machine guns during the Industrial Revolution. Thankfully, there’s a force greater than all of us that heard our cry for help. A higher power that answered our prayers. An authority that peddles its miraculous wares so that all of us may benefit. That’s right, SkyMall is here to help us.

Here at SkyMall Monday, we have a particularly favorite miracle that we’d like to see more of. Of course, it’s the rainbow. If it were up to us, we’d have a daily double rainbow (and an unlimited supply of Skittles). Now, however, we can generate a rainbow whenever we damn well please thanks to the Solar Powered Rainbow Maker.Forget all the hogwash you’ve heard about leprechauns and pots of gold. Rainbows aren’t part of a sound financial strategy. Rainbows exist solely to distract us from the ills of the world. They give us a moment of quiet reflection. They allow us to pause, take a deep breath and remember that it probably rained recently. The ability to generate a rainbow at our leisure has always alluded us. Until now.

Think that man should not attempt to play God (or scientist)? Think that rainbows should not be devalued by rainbow inflation? I bet you want me to shut down my centaur mill. Well, think about all those orphaned centaur foal while you read the official product description:

All the Color without any of the Rain! — You don’t have to be Dorothy or Pollyanna to appreciate beauty in the ROYGBIV…The genuine Swarovski crystal attaches to your window with a suction cup, and rotates as it refracts sunlight to create a swirl of rainbows. — This makes a great conversation piece and an intriguing scientific wonderment for all ages!

People love outdated literary references almost as much as they love miracles. If I had to list the things that people loved the most, I would order them like so: 1) rainbows, 2) suction cups, 3) intriguing scientific wonderment, 4) conversation pieces, 5) Austrian crystal and 6) hyphens. In other words, the Solar Powered Rainbow Maker is a bigger collection of love than that orgy I attended at the Y.

We all live busy lives. Waiting for miracles just isn’t an option. Like movies, miracles need to be on demand (and enjoyed with overpriced popcorn and Sour Patch Kids purchased at the drug store that we then smuggled into the theater). Have your miracles on your schedule with the Solar Powered Rainbow Maker.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Baggy Rack

by Mike Barish on

Living alone has its perks. You get to be as messy as you’d like, you always get to decide what to watch on television and pants pretty much become optional at all times. There are, however, downsides. It can get lonely. There’s no one around to help you when you realize just a little too late that there’s no more toilet paper. And cooking for one is a real pain in the buttocks. Thankfully, here at SkyMall Monday headquarters, I live with my girlfriend and two dog butlers. We can cook proper meals, go into the bathroom with confidence and always have someone with whom to play UNO. What should the lonely among us do when they need an extra set of hands? Mail order brides are expensive, Craiglist roommates usually end up being psychos who clip their toenails in your bed and training your dogs to be butlers takes ages (believe me, I know). Thankfully, SkyMall knows that solo dwellers could use some help. They know that there’s nothing wrong with living alone. They don’t judge. They know that you live alone by choice. They understand that it’s not because no one could possibly love you. They think it’s totally cool that you have six cats who vote for their feline president every fours years. Heck, they even appreciate all that President Jinglebottoms H. Furrykins IV has done in his first term in office. But they want to help, as well. That’s why they carry the Baggy Rack.There’s nothing worse than bagging up leftovers (except for genocide, child molestation, dropping your ice cream cone and several trillion other things). The bags don’t stay open, you get sauce all over your hands and inevitably, you just give up and throw the food against the wall in a fit of anger. Several hours later, after writing about the incident in your diary, you return to the kitchen to tackle quite a mess. Who has time for that? That’s why you need to have a device that will hold those bags open for you.

Think that it’s easy to hold those tiny bags open all by yourself? Never have leftovers because you can down an entire DiGiorno‘s by yourself? Well, maybe you should pop a Gas-X and read the product description:

Every kitchen should have this practical rack that keeps plastic bags upright so they’re easy to fill. No more spilling food all over the counter! Great for sauce, soup, cereal, berries, leftovers...Doubles as a bag dryer.

Sauce is a food product. Soup is a food product. Cereal and berries are food products (that, coincidentally, go great together). Leftovers is a generic category that could encompass anything. From steak to jelly bean gravy, anything can be a leftover. That means that the Baggy Rack is great for everything. Including being a bag dryer. Because we all should be rinsing and reusing our bags once we’re done with all that jelly bean gravy.

Living alone doesn’t have to be difficult. All you need are some dolls, some peanut butter and the Baggy Rack. You’ll never feel lonely again.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Personal Electronic Transporter

by Mike Barish on

For the first time ever, I’m writing SkyMall Monday while onboard a plane. As I type this, I’m approximately 37,000 feet above a spotted layer a clouds providing an obstructed view of various Caribbean islands. Typically, I craft these posts from SkyMall Monday headquarters in New York using the SkyMall website. This week, however, I am thrilled to be getting back to the basics and enjoying the SkyMall catalog in its natural habitat. Perusing SkyMall aboard a plane gives me goosebumps as I carefully devour page after page of inventions birthed by necessity’s slutty sister, laziness. It’s sloth that guides so many of our modern decisions. We microwave meals because cooking is a bothersome chore. We trust Wikipedia and Google to immediately deliver information – no matter how inaccurate – because actual research is tedious. We wear Velcro shoes because laces are complicated. We’re all seeking protection from the ceaseless attack of effort. So, while I’m reclined (yes, I recline my seat) sevent miles above Earth reading the SkyMall catalog, all I can think about is how I can make my life less taxing once I land. I’m crippled by thoughts of trudging through the airport, walking to the grocery store tomorrow to restock my kitchen, hiking to the bathroom to avoid wetting my bed. My feet ache as the journeys play out in my mind. Surely there must be a way to avoid such labor. Then, on page 25 of the Summer 2010 edition of the SkyMall catalog, the end of those death marches presents itself. No longer must I force one leg in front of the other. There but by the grace of laziness goes the Electric Personal Transporter.The Electric Personal Transporter is everything the modern man of leisure needs. It’s electric, so it’s free from the environmental guilt that comes from gasoline-powered vehicles. It’s personal, which relieves the rider from the exhaustion bred by conversation with a co-passenger. Lastly, as a transporter, it does all the moving for you. It’s the most perfect invention since bacon wrapped bacon.

Think that the human body is perfectly designed for an ambulatory lifestyle? Well, ambulances are ambulatory and I don’t want to find myself being transported in the back of one of those. Think about that while you read the product description that I have to actually type out because I can’t copy-and-paste from the paper catalog resting on the tray table next to me:

This is the four-wheeled electric personal vehicle that provides effortless, smooth 12-14 mph transport on paved paths, driveways, or sidewalks for quick, easy errands or leisurely rides through the park.

Unlike the two-wheeled Segway, the Electric Personal Transporter comes with a basket to securely carry your Twinkies, Baconaisse and Double Downs with ease. With the ability to carry riders “up to 350 lbs. for up to 20 miles,” you can even ride to the Pizza Hut that’s just a little farther away but stuffs their crusts fuller than the one closer to your house. Score!

Necessity gets all the credit, but laziness has birthed litters of inventions that have revolutionized the way we live. Life is so hard that even recreation is tough. When relaxation becomes stressful, SkyMall provides the epidural so that laziness can pop out a beautiful baby Electric Personal Transporter.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Trailer Hitch & Cradle Chairs

by Mike Barish on

Football season is upon us and that can only mean two things: It’s time for tailgating and unrelenting gastrointestinal distress.

Nothing beats gathering with a dozen or so of your most sports-obsessed friends to eat sausages, steaks, burgers and other such indulgences at nine in the morning. How else will people know that you love your team? The problem comes after the meal and before kickoff. You’re bloated, gassy and in need of some relief. You can’t get back into your car because the noxious fumes emanating from your bowels could suffocate you. You can’t go into the stadium because they haven’t opened the gates yet. You don’t want to go to the bathroom in the parking lot because social mores prohibit your from popping a squat on the ground. All you need is a place to take the pressure off of your body.

Thankfully, SkyMall has just the thing to help you sneak in a pregame nap while all of those vitamins, minerals and nitrates course through your veins. When regular chairs aren’t enough, you need to up the ante. You need to keep your feet elevated and your buttocks properly supported after a breakfast of ribs and pulled pork. That’s why you look to SkyMall Monday. That’s why we’re looking at the Trailer Hitch & Cradle Chairs.The problem with regular chairs is that they sit on the ground. The ground is hard and once you’re full of meat and cheese, gravity begins to affect you more. It pulls you towards that hardness in a way that puts stress on your ankles, knees and GI tract. Soon, you’ll need to find a port-o-potty for more than just a tinkle. The last thing anyone wants is to have to sit down and do some real business in one of those bad boys. That’s why you need to reduce gravity’s (and pork’s) unrelenting pull on your organs as quickly as possible. The more relaxed you are as you attack that second six pack of Natty Light, the less seismic activity you’ll experience in your colon.

Think that normal chairs are perfectly adequate for tailgating? Don’t believe that a full slab of ribs is appropriate for one person to eat, let alone for breakfast before attending a football game at which they will most certainly indulge in french fries coated in cheese and/or cheese-like products? Well, why not read the product description while you munch on that apple and wonder why no one at the office ever invites you to happy hour:

Imagine the faces of your pre-game buddies when they see you kicking back in this! Innovative and patented design takes leisure to a whole new level, instantly bringing the laid back comfort of a hammock to your favorite campgrounds, tailgate parties and sporting events.

Yes, imagine the faces. Horror, disgust Awe, envy, concern over the tensile strength of the chair’s support beam.

Sure, you could bring a couple of beach chairs, but they take mere seconds to unload out of your car. Then you’ll have nothing else to do and get sucked into helping cook or, even worse, clean up afterward! By making your chair a complex system that must be securely fastened to your truck hitch, you ensure that you’ll be occupied for most of the tailgate preperation. By the time you’re done getting the chairs safely in place, the first round of bratwursts should be grilled to perfection and you’ll already be pretty buzzed. And isn’t that what football mornings are all about?

Take a load off (and keep a load out of your pants) with the Trailer Hitch & Cradle Chairs. Your hemorrhoids will be glad that you did.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Square Root Watch

by Mike Barish on

Around the country, kids are heading back to school. Lunches have been packed (hopefully with napkins carrying inspirational notes from moms with phrases such as “I’m proud of you”), notebooks are ready for doodling and detention rooms are already filling up. As another school year begins, kids everywhere are already asking their teachers, “Why do I need to know this?” and “When will I possibly have to use this information in real life?” These are valid questions. I’d love to go back in time and tell my biology teacher that I’ve never had to dissect a Garden Yeti in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. My drivers ed teacher never prepared me for piloting a Cruzin Cooler. That’s not to say that everything that kids learn in school is useless. There are plenty of concepts that are relevant in everyone’s day-to-day lives. Math, for example, is particularly relevant to a large percentage of the population. That’s why kids should be paying special attention to numbers this fall. If they want to tell time the SkyMall way, they’re going to need to be math whizzes. Forget digital; the best way to track time on your wrist is with the Square Root Watch.Your grandfather’s watch probably has a sundial on it. Your father’s watch most likely has Roman numerals. Your brother’s watch is digital, which is so 1980s. The only way to stand out now (and prove to yourself that paying attention in sixth grade math class rather than experimenting with drugs was a good decision) is to rock a watch with square roots in place of numbers. Let’s be honest here: Are square roots any more ridiculous than a completely numberless watch face?

Think that having to solve a math problem to know the time is a waste of, um, time? Were you always better at English than math? Well, you should have no problem reading the product description then:

Brainy math types will love this watch, but why should they have all the fun?

Brainy math types are currently running Google, Facebook and every other website that knows everything about you. Smart is cool now (even if Barbie struggles with math). Rather than deny it, embrace it. It beats risking Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from dishing out wedgies to all of those nerds.

Make all that time spent in drab classrooms passing juvenile notes to your friends worth it. Put your knowledge to use. Prove to your teachers that you will amount to something one day. Strap on the Square Root Watch and then check your cellphone to see what time it is.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.