SkyMall Monday: Top 10 pieces of spy gear

by Mike Barish on

The world is a scary place. Heck, even the Cold War is heating up (er, cooling off?) again with Russian spies being kicked out of the US. It’s becoming harder and harder to trust anyone, even your family. Here in the SkyMall Monday headquarters, I trust Calvin the Garden Yeti and no one else. In these crazy times, it’s best to find out all the information you can on those around you, lest they try to steal your possessions, kidnap your children or take over your life like that crazy lady from Single White Female. Covert ops are not just for TV and the movies. You need to take matters into your own hands and do constant reconnaissance to be sure that you stay one step ahead of your wife, boyfriend, babysitter, coworker or daughter. Thankfully, SkyMall knows that your paranoia is justified and that a tinfoil hat is not enough to keep you safe from the people who want to steal your thoughts. They have 89(!!!) different items listed in their “Under Cover” spy and surveillance section. If that doesn’t validate your decision to spy on your loved ones, then just do it because it’s fun! This week, we take a look at the top 10 pieces of spy gear in SkyMall.Teddy Bear Hidden Camera – Pictured above, this innocent looking teddy bear houses a heat activated camera which will record your baby’s entire sweaty nap thanks to that handsome and thick wool cap. It also works on grown women who creepily dress like little girls.

Tie Spy Camera – What better way to spy on your coworkers than by placing a camera discreetly in your office attire? Of course, if you work as a lifeguard, you’ll want to make sure that the tie matches your swimsuit.

Cell Phone Spy Text Reader – This device lets you read deleted text messages and review deleted numbers from any cell phone that uses a SIM card. There’s no way your girlfriend can hide her affair – or her obsession with the Justin Bieber fan line – now.

ID Card Hidden Camera – Almost every office requires employees to keep an ID badge with them at all times. So what better way to hide your spy camera then behind that unflattering photo of that kind of makes you look like a pedophile? And, since everyone from your office park eats at the same Applebee’s, you can also use it to see who’s been spitting in your Wonton Tacos.

Tissue Box Internet Camera – The camera in this tissue box streams video directly to the web for you to watch in real time. If you see someone bring a bottle of moisturizer over to the tissues, it may be time to navigate to another website.

Panning Faux Security Camera – You’re not the only person who’s paranoid. Play on your friends’ fears by just making them think that they’re being watched. Now maybe they’ll stop leaving those bags of poop on your front porch.

Electric Outlet Hidden Camera – Since it’s motion-activated, you’ll get great footage of your unattended toddler approaching the outlet immediately before sticking a fork in it.

Wireless Color Mirror Camera – As the product description so poetically puts is, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, catch that burglar once and for all.” Assuming, of course, that the burglar stops in the bathroom to put on some of your makeup. Speaking of which, you look like a clown whore when you wear all that blush.

Cell Phone Voice Changer – I’ll defer to the product description on this one: “No one will recognize your voice with The Cell Phone Voice Changer. Easily change your voice from man to woman, woman to man, a child’s voice, or even a robot–and it will sound completely real and natural.” Now you can call your ex and use that completely real and natural robot voice. She’ll be none the wiser.

Ultra Spy Hearing Ear Muffs – Hear every conversation going on around you while blending into the environment with your massive headphones with two microphones prominently attached to each ear.

Of course, what you do with this equipment is your business. Gadling in no way, shape or form condones you violating any privacy laws or statutes when spying on people. I assume you’ll be using these tools for educational purposes. Though, if I see you in the gym locker room in nothing but a tie, I’m going to punch you in the throat.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Brobdingnagian Sports Chair

by Mike Barish on

With summer in full swing, we’re all busy attending picnics, parades, baseball games and Renaissance fairs. The problem at all of those events, of course, is seating. Not just whether or not there will be a place to sit, but if that seating is deserving off housing your very important buttocks. You’re a big deal. Sitting on the grass simply is not an option for you. Using the provided seats is an insult. Bleachers? Bleachers are for average people. You’re special. You’re better than the riff raff waiting in line for corn dogs and funnel cakes. You have your corn dogs and funnel cakes delivered directly to you. You’re not part of the hoi polloi who wallow in their own peanut shell fragments. No, you’re above all that. And now you can physically be above it all. Thanks to SkyMall, you can elevate your stature and your person to show the masses that you are better than they could ever hope to be while also obstructing the view of those idiots who thought they had a right see anything. The next time you’re heading to that jousting tournament or checking out a double rainbow, be sure to pack your enormous Brobdingnagian Sports Chair.Big chairs deserve big names. Brobdingnagian is from Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels and refers to a land of giants. See, you’re learning. Now, the word is just used to describe stuff that is abnormally large. Not that there’s anything abnormal about a chair that allows your feet dangle above the ground makes you look like Edith Ann from Sesame Street. It’s perfectly acceptable to set up shop in a gigantic chair in public. It’s your right.

Think that such a large chair that blocks other people’s views is rude? Believe that a blanket on the grass is the only true way to view an outdoor event? Well, if you could stop picking ants out of your food for a minute, maybe you’d be able to read the product description:

This is the portable chair that elevates your physical stature at any outdoor event. Measuring 5-1/2′ tall, the chair is certain to provide stadium seating at any venue, and its 9′ sq. seat affords ample room for fullbody gesticulations. The lofty seat elevates feet well above the ground, where they’re free to dangle and sway. The reinforced powder-coated steel frame and 400-denier rip-stop canvas support up to 400 lbs.

With nine square feet of seat space and security up to 400 pounds, you can keep those corn dogs and funnel cakes coming well into Rascal Flatts’ third encore. As for the full-body gesticulations, I suppose the chair is large enough to invite of a friend up to join you. I worry about the chafing, though.

No longer must you surround yourself with the idiots you call neighbors. Show them that they’re just peasants by kicking them with your dangling feet and dropping deep fried Oreo crumbs on their heads. You’re special. You’re somebody. You’re the owner of the Brobdingnagian Sports Chair.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: Lighted Nail Clipper/Magnifier

by Mike Barish on

I’m going to be honest with you, many of you disgust me. Seriously, you are gross, impolite, awful people. Not all of you. Just those of you who think it’s perfectly acceptable clip your toenails in public. You know who you are. I’ve seen you on the subway. I’ve heard your clippers in bathroom stalls. Hell, I’ve seen you on airplanes! How do you sleep at night? Nail clipping is a private affair. It should be done in your own bathroom or seated immediately next to a trash receptacle. Any other locations are wrong on both a moral and ethical level. At the SkyMall Monday headquarters (which is shared with Ms. SkyMall Monday and our SkyMall Monday canines), nail clipping is done behind closed doors lest someone lose an eye to shrapnel. Not only do I dislike rudeness, I don’t want to date a one-eyed woman. And certainly not one whose ocular misfortune was caused by her keratin carelessness. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that nail clipping is an activity that must be done whilst one is squirreled away in a bathroom with wan lighting. To keep your cuticles cute, you’ll need proper equipment while you’re in exile. That’s why you need the Lighted Nail Clipper/Magnifier.Let’s start off with a list of places where you should NOT be clipping your nails:

  • On any form of public transportation
  • In your place of business
  • On a couch next to any other human being
  • On a couch when you are alone
  • Near a couch
  • In any room with wall-to-wall carpeting or a thick area rug
  • On a bed
  • Church/synagogue/mosque/any place of worship
  • Movie theater
  • Broadway theater
  • Interpretive dance theater
  • Buses
  • Planes
  • Trains
  • Hot air balloons
  • During any form of surgery
  • 99.9% of places on Earth

With that cleared up, we can move on. If you are going to clip your nails, you want to do so safely. You need proper lighting and adequate views of the nails in question. Biting is never an option. Precision is key. If you think touching the sides while playing Operation is scary, imagine fucking up one of your phalanges. If you think I’m exaggerating, you’re probably gnawing on your toenail as you read this. You’re an animal. Read the product description while I dry heave because of you:

Easily and safely trim your nails with this lighted nail clipper. Quality stainless steel spring loaded cutters for long use and includes batteries for LED light.

Batteries are included. For that alone, it gets the SkyMall Monday Seal of Approval. Throw in the fact that it’s “perfect for seniors and visually impaired” and allows for “smooth, fast, precise trimming,” and you’ll almost look forward to being banished to the bathroom while you trim your nails. Just be careful. I get worried when anything is spring loaded. That sounds like a recipe for eye damage. And you know how I feel about eye damage.

Now that you have the proper tools, there’s no excuse for clipping your nails anywhere near me or any other human being. Do the right thing, people. Clip in private. Clip with precision. Clip with dignity.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on
Travel is a grimy, germ-filled activity that tests the limits of our tolerance for all things bacterial. Recycled plane air, cramped buses and less-than-hygienic hotel rooms all conspire to infect us. Staying healthy on the road is essential if you want to enjoy your holiday or get the job done on a business trip. However, you also want to look good when you’re traveling so that you can woo a sexy local or dress the part of a savvy business traveler. How do you keep germs at bay while also looking like the dapper gadabout that you are? Rather than compromise form for function, you deserve to look your best while continuing to feel your best. No one knows that better than the mad scientists at SkyMail. That’s why they provide you with a way to deter bacteria while inviting attention. It’s time to get sassy while staying healthy with the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask.

I traveled with the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask from the subways of New York City to the wide open spaces of Yellowstone National Park to a hot air balloon in Turkey’s Cappidocia region. Did it keep me healthy and appropriately dressed?

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If you’re an avid SkyMall Monday reader, you’re already familiar with Sling Couture. We reviewed their signature arm sling earlier this year. It kept us looking sophisticated while convalescing. But preventing infections and diseases is a much tougher task. I was skeptical that a flashy mask could help me avoid picking up a bug while on the road, so I put it through a series of rigorous tests.

Available in 12 styles, there’s a Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask to suit every person and mood. I tested Red Glitter, which brought out my eyes.

I headed underground to the New York City subway armed with my Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask and stood prominently in the middle of a train car. New York City subway trains are far from sanitary. Along with muffled announcements and loud music escaping from headphones, coughing is a ubiquitous sound on the subway. No matter how many people wheezed, coughed or sneezed, I stood clear of the closing doors in my shiny mask and stood out as a fashion icon in a city known for style.

From there, I took the skies and flew west to Jackson, WY. Planes are Petri dishes of bacteria. The air is stale, the space is cramped and you can feel every cough and sneeze on the back of your neck. However, I read the SkyMall catalog with no problem despite several passengers sounding as if they had typhoid. And I did so while not being one of those overly casual fliers wearing a tracksuit.

The toughest test of all soon followed as the Fashion Face Mask came with me to Turkey. The air in Istanbul is thick. Approximately 12 million people live in Turkey’s largest city and, despite its many cosmopolitan neighborhoods, it still struggles to fully modernize. As I crossed the Bospherus from Asia to Europe, I donned my mask. I stayed healthy while also looking as if I belonged in the European Capital of Culture.

If there is one downside to the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask, it’s that the mask itself is not particularly breathable. But breathability is not a major concern when evaluating face masks. They are less like doctors masks and more similar to masks used by painters or construction workers. That said, they do a fantastic job at keeping asbestos at bay.

Travel is taxing, exhausting and, at times, sickening. Protect yourself and celebrate your style with the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask. You’ll look good, feel good and only slightly confuse everyone around you.

Be sure to check out the gallery of photos from my travels with the Sling Couture Fashion Face Mask.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Portable Laptop Desk

by Mike Barish on

Business travel can get lonely. You’re either traveling alone or with colleagues whose company you barely enjoy in the office let alone in a Bennigan’s in whatever podunk town in which your company’s satellite office is located. All too often, business travelers spend their free time in their hotel rooms working, eating overpriced-yet-mediocre hotel hamburgers and watching a movie that they would never have considered viewing had they been at home. In those painfully boring, sleepless hours in far-flung towns, even the most stoic of road warriors has turned to every man’s time-filler of choice: internet porn. By day three of any business trip, you’re ready to disregard the fact that your company’s IT department is disgustingly aware of every keystroke you make on your incredibly heavy and sadly outdated company-issued laptop and steer your browser towards whatever perverse videos will help you while away the excruciating hours that stand between you and your return home. Here at SkyMall Monday, we understand your pain. And the SkyMall catalog stands at the ready to help you alleviate that tension in a comfortable and dignified manner. Rather than troll the internet for your favorite fetish while sitting at a cramped desk in your depressing hotel room, now you can recline in your (hopefully clean) bed and conduct some business of your own using the Portable Laptop Desk.This isn’t the first time we’ve tackled portable desks on SkyMall Monday. However, that previous model strapped onto your neck, which isn’t convenient for when you are watching videos of people using strap-ons. When it’s time to seduce yourself on a business trip, you need to be able to relax. Being able to recline while keeping the ten pounds of hot metal and plastic that is your antiquated work computer away from your genitals is just the relief you need to turn boredom into arousal.

Think that laying down with your work computer violates the teachings of the scripture company handbook? Believe that computers should only be used at immobile desks? Prudes like you need to read the SkyMall product description:

Fully adjustable to maximize comfort while in use, the laptop table helps to relieve neck and back pain, and allows for the correct placement of your arms for easy use of your computer… It also eliminates the heat on legs or lap.

When spending special time alone, correct placement of your arms is key. No longer singeing your inner thighs is simply icing on the cake.

Business trips are tedious and draining. Being away from your friends, family and normal routine can make anyone crazy. Rather than let that frustration boil inside you, release the pressure with the Portable Laptop Desk. Just be sure to clean off the keyboard.


Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.