An even more seasoned traveler’s top ten hotel peeves

by Annie Scott on


Some of you may recall the list last week of my top ten hotel peeves. An hour or so after posting it, I got a phone call from my father. “Did you like it?” I asked. “Yes,” he replied, “but I’ve got a bunch more.” He proceeded to regale me with a whole slew of additional hotel annoyances — good ones — I eventually put him on speaker phone to take notes.

Some were the basic peeves you’d expect from a regular business traveler, which he is; not enough hangers, lightbulbs out, thin walls; the kind of things you find even in four and five-star hotels. I chose my favorites from his list and bring you this: an even more seasoned traveler’s top ten hotel peeves. Enjoy.

1. When you can’t reach the phone from the bed.

Whether it’s staggering across the room for your wakeup call, or collapsing on the bed after a long journey and needing to call home, or a call that wakes you in the middle of the night, a phone that you can’t reach from the bed is not convenient.

2. When you can’t take the hangers out of the closet.

Doesn’t this drive you nuts? You have to practically disassemble the hangers to get them out of the closet, and then it’s a whole new can of irritating trying to get them to hang back up. Open formal announcement: Hotels, I’m not going to steal your hangers. I’m indirectly insulted that you think I would. Now, give me real ones to use. Thanks.3. Breakfast place costs $35 for a couple of eggs and there’s no Starbucks (or other alternative) for miles.

If the hotel is nickel-and-diming you for food worse than the airport, it’s a problem.

4. Can’t find the outlet in the bathroom.

Some fancy hotels work so hard to make their outlets “unobtrusive,” they’re virtually impossible to find. The runner up for the peeve in this category is when there’s no counter space in the bathroom. Both have the same result: “How am I supposed to groom myself?”

5. Clock radio that Bill Gates couldn’t figure out.

Dad and I laughed as we realized that the first thing both of us does in a hotel room is unplug the clock radio. I don’t want that thing waking me up at 4:00 AM, blasting a poorly-tuned radio station. I consider myself to be of reasonable intelligence, but some clock radios are downright counterintuitive.

6. Luggage handled by three or four people, all of whom move it about three or four feet and want a tip.

What am I, made of fives?

7. Beautiful hotel, no shower pressure.

You may think your hotel is awesome until you step into the shower to find an ineffectual trickle of water — and there’s nothing you can do about it. Once you’re naked, it’s too late to complain.

8. Windows don’t open and there’s no temperature control.

Either of these things can be annoying, but when they occur together? Chagrin.

9. Tiny TV in an enormous armoire.

Some hotels will boast that they have “state of the art flat screen TVs,” but you’ll get to your room and open the enormous armoire to turn on the game and find a teeny-tiny little television inside. State of the art is great and all, but if you can only afford tiny TVs, forgo the upgrade. Bigger is better.

10. You arrive at your room, exhausted, and they call you on the phone.

The last thing anyone wants is a phone call from reception asking if they’re okay. I also once had this happen after a room service breakfast was delivered to my room. I had to get up from where I was eating and reading the paper to get the phone, and it was the front desk, asking if I enjoyed my breakfast. “I was, until you called and interrupted it,” I should have said. My dad thinks he’s flagged for a phone call at some hotels due to the points systems. The last thing he says after leaving the front desk check-in? “Don’t call me — thanks.”

Ten wondrous things you can get away with at the beach

by Annie Scott on


Going to the beach affords us all kind of freedoms. Just the hot sand and crashing waves can send people into spiritual abandon. That feeling is not solely internally manifested; there are genuine external freedoms we experience at the beach. Not all, but many social rules are gleefully shed when you hit seashore.

If you’re vacationing at a beach resort, many of the following un-rules apply to the pool, as well — but don’t try to get away with them inside the hotel (especially #9).

Here are Ten wondrous things you can get away with at the beach which you can’t get away with almost anywhere else.

1. Wearing nothing but underwear.

Swimming suits are basically underwear. They may be made of a different material, but wearing either to church without a cover-up is frowned upon. Furthermore, at some beaches, women can go topless — and at nude beaches, you don’t have to wear anything at all.

2. Asking strangers to rub you.

At the beach, once you have struck up a conversation, it is perfectly acceptable to ask someone (preferably on a similar tier of attractiveness) to rub sunscreen on your back. You’re not being lewd, you’re just avoiding cancer. As long as you’ve been chatting and they don’t seem weirded out by you, it’s totally cool.3. Letting it all hang out.

Regular beachgoers know that no matter how fat you feel, someone fatter than you is wearing next to nothing nearby. Let it all hang out.

4. Making art out of whatever you see.

The art of the sandcastle is widely appreciated, and it’s totally acceptable to pick up rubbish along the shore to augment your creation. Building a castle out of found objects almost anywhere else is something of a faux pas.

5. Drinking during the day.

Nobody but your mother judges you for a cooler of beer at the beach. Even if it’s only 11:00 AM. Everyone gets on with their own lives, for the most part, and even if they notice, they just assume that this is the day you’ve designated to party.

6. Floating.

When you think about it, the act of floating is rather personal and vulnerable. You don’t lie on your back in front of clients or potential employers. At the beach, no one judges your bouyancy but you.

7. Burying the living.

Only at the beach can you bury your friends, neighbors and spouses the way you’ve wanted to all these years. Put on your best lighthearted face and enjoy the malicious act of trying to make sure they can’t move at all.

8. Eating almost naked.

Yes, you’re wearing attire on par with underwear, but you can totally still walk up to the taco truck — and chow down — publicly. If you are messy and “get a little on you,” just rinse yourself off in the water.

9. Dripping.

And, when you get out of said water, be it salty or fresh, everyone expects you to be drenched. You’ll probably leave a trail of drippage behind you. It’s cool.

10. Sleeping.

There’s your house, a hotel, the airplane, and there’s the beach. There’s pretty much nowhere else you can sleep without risking arrest or at least awakening.

Just remember, anyone who tells you not to do one of these things is jealous.

[Photo credit: Annie Scott]

The 10 Commandments of Airplane Etiquette

by Annie Scott on

Last night, I walked to the top of a tall mountain and God spoke directly to me. I know, right?

There was a blinding flash of light, a bunch of angels started singing, and then His head appeared above the clouds like some kind of celestial puppet show. He politely introduced himself (“Hello, Annie. I’m God.”) and personally handed me two golden tray tables engraved with the following ten commandments.

By the way, everything you read on the internet is true.

The 10 Commandments of Airplane Etiquette

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s personal space.

The armrest is a boundary. Consider it a guideline for where you are allowed to be.

2. Thou shalt not interrupt the in-flight movie.
This goes for pilots and flight attendants as well; unless the announcement is of dire importance, like the wings have fallen off the plane, no conversation should be attempted during the in-flight movie, especially if it can’t be paused.

3. Thou shalt not hide thy telecommunications from the flight attendants.
God knows your phone was still on during take-off. And He is upset about it.4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s overhead compartment.
If people seated in the back of the plane get nervous about finding an open space and use the overhead compartments at the front of the plane, it’s chaos.

5. Thou shalt not attempt any out-of-chair business during the meal service.
If you get up to use the restroom during the meal service, you are a jerkstore. Getting up during the drink service isn’t great either.

6. Thou shalt not raise the armrest.
Under no circumstances should someone raise the armrest, the sole divider between you and a stranger’s hips, without permission.

7. Thou shalt remember thy close proximity to others, and keep it holy.
Though theologians will surely interpret this in many ways, it seems to cover the gamut of bodily-function-related offenses, as well as the putting of thy feet on things and the wearing of strong perfumes or colognes.

8. Thou shalt say please and thank you.
Whether you’re asking for a $10 box of cheese and crackers or asking your neighbor to let you crawl over them to the aisle, politeness is imperative. A routine “thank you” on your way off the plane reportedly goes a long way with St. Peter.

9. Thou shalt be mindful of children.
This commandment seems to work in two ways. Firstly, if you have children, you must take care that they are not kicking the chair in front of them or making other unnecessary nuisances of themselves. Secondly, if you are near a child who is crying or otherwise causing you irritation, you have to be a grownup about it.

10. Thou shalt not demand special attention.
Call buttons are for emergencies, and your neighbor probably doesn’t want to talk to you. Be thee humble on thy azure path.

The 10 Rules of Dive Bar Etiquette

by Annie Scott on

Dive bars in America are known for three basic things: cheap drinks, food that might kill you and elementary violence. There’s one in almost every town, and they are among our most-loved institutions. On your worst day, no one at The Ding Dong Lounge will judge you — and if you show up in a ball gown, no one will really care.

As much as I love fancy cocktails at, say, The Oak Bar, there’s something oddly charming about ordering a two dollar beer and a shot in a dirty, peanut-covered dive where you heard there was recently a knife fight. It’s a kind of urban adventure. That said, when you’re taking such an adventure, especially when you’re outside of your usual domain, you should observe some key rules of etiquette.

That’s right, I said etiquette. Etiquette isn’t just about salad forks and car doors, it’s about doing as the Romans do, so as not to irritate anybody or make yourself unnecessarily conspicuous. Blending in is the foundation of civilized society, even in bars where your shoes stick to the floor when you walk.

So here they are, The 10 Rules of Dive Bar Etiquette, especially for when you “ain’t from ’round these parts.”

1. Tip. Tip a dollar per drink, or two dollars if the drink is over $6. Any drink over $6 is probably a mixed drink, which means the bartender put in a little extra effort (presumably as little as possible) and has thus earned an extra buck. The tip for a drink over $12 should be $3, but if you’re at a dive bar where they’re serving drinks for over $12, your taste in dive bars sucks. Also, if you tip in coins, you’re doing it wrong.2. Don’t ask too many questions. The only appropriate question, really, is “What do you have on tap?” — and that’s only if the taps are not visible. Unless your bartender invites further conversation, tell them (don’t ask them for) your drink, then assume that their dog is dead and this is the funeral. Don’t bug them about how long the bar has been around, whether they own it, and don’t ask what kind of wine they have. They have white and red.

3. Don’t talk on the phone. If you absolutely must make or take a call, step away from the bar and head to the restroom area, where there is often the remains of a pay phone of yore. This is the only appropriate place to carry on a conversation. Nobody wants to hear your business, and when you’re on the phone next to them, they can’t help but listen and start to hate you.

4. Don’t judge the locals. Out loud. You never know who’s into knife fights.

5. If you order a round of shots, you pay. “Do you want to do a shot?” is an invitation to buy a shot for someone, not an invitation for someone to buy one for him or herself. You also must offer a toast. Even if it’s just “to drinking.”

6. Don’t touch the bar mat. The mat on the bar, as well as everything behind the bar, is sacred. The bartender will put the drink in front of you when they decide it’s time for you to drink it. If the dive is also an eating establishment, there may be a bar mat where servers pick up drinks for their tables. Don’t sit or stand there.

7. Smoking rules. You must not borrow more than one cigarette from anyone without buying them a drink. Cigarettes, to some dive bar frequenters, are worth their weight in paper money, and, when in a bind, they will smoke paper money. If you are going outside for a smoke, you must place your cocktail napkin on top of your beer, or the bartender will think you’ve left. If you see a drink with a cocktail napkin on it in front of an empty bar stool or at a bar table, you can’t sit there. Roofies are okay. (Kidding.)

8. Don’t eyeball the bartender. Unless you have official bar business like ordering a drink or a tab, eye contact with the bartender is an uncomfortable faux pas. If you don’t have someone to talk to, eyeballing the bartender looks desperate. Stare into your drink and contemplate your existence like a normal person, or ask a nearby guest about the upcoming weather (you’ll be flying or driving soon, after all).

9. Observe bathroom gender codes. No talking for men; obligatory talking for women (a simple “hi” is okay, but if you say nothing, you’re a rude outsider).

10. Keep it simple. Don’t order a complicated drink. The ingredients should be in the name of the drink (examples: gin and tonic, beer). Also, grade your drink on a Pass/Fail basis, not on complex ratios or emotional implications. If the drink is too weak, order a double next time. If the drink is too strong, let us know where that bar is.

%Gallery-8934%

%Gallery-67912%

Top Ten Reasons that Road Trips Rock

by Mike Barish on

Yesterday, Annie posted a top ten list about why road trips suck. I was shocked and appalled, to say the least. After reading her piece and discussing it with folks on Twitter, I deduced that Annie didn’t really hate road trips. She hated long car rides. There’s a distinction and it’s an important one. Road trips make the journey the adventure. The act of being in the car, seeing the sights and not having to rush becomes your trip. The destination is secondary. Long car rides are just attempts at saving money or avoiding a confrontation with your fear of flying. They’re utilitarian and should not be confused with what you and I consider a true road trip. Road trips should be celebrated. To all of you whimsical travelers who have ever made a mix tape specifically for a road trip (and still nostalgically listen to it today as an iTunes playlist), this one’s for you. 1. Time Doesn’t Matter – Who cares when you get to the destination? You’re with your friends, you’re on vacation and you chose to drive for a reason. Enjoy the scenery. Moon the car next to you. Play License Plate Bingo. Cherish those moments in the car because they will breed the inside jokes that you repeat not just on that trip, but for the rest of your life. It’s not about killing time. That’s murder.

2. Pit Stops – Cracker Barrel. Waffle House. Truck stop diners. Gas station convenience stores. These are a road tripper’s oases. All foods are viable options on the road. I’ve seen vegetarians eat meat and justify it with the “I was on a road trip” excuse. Relish that fast food burger. Enjoy a side of pancakes with your omelet (Perkins, I’m looking at you). Buy chips and cookies and candy that you would never think to eat at home and bring them back to the car to eat on the road. You’re on a road trip. You can eat anything you want!

3. Instant Gratification – Ever been excited to go on a trip only to sit at the airport for five hours? Ever had a vacation delayed because you missed a flight? Road trips can’t be delayed. Traffic? Who cares (see #1)? Are you in the car? Congratulations, your vacation has started.

4. Look at That! – If you’re sitting on a plane, you’re only scenery options are the tiny screen in front of you or, if the person in front of you has reclined, some dandruff and a bald spot. Not exactly riveting entertainment. On a road trip, you never know what you’re going to see next. It could be an amusing sign, a classic car or even a sheep herder who needs to play through. Keep your camera handy because road trips are human safaris!

5. Pranks – Sure, at some point the laughter will die down and your car will become a moving nap box. This is the perfect time to mess whoever passed out. Draw a penis on his face. Scream at the top of your lungs and swerve to trick her into thinking you’re about to be in an accident. Call his mother and tell her he’s dead. OK, that last one may go a bit too far but you catch my drift.

6. Music – Road trips need soundtracks. Mix tapes may have given way to MP3 players, but the effect is the same: sing-alongs! If everyone on the trip brings their iPod, you’ll have music for days. And, if they die (or you get sick of listening to your friends Backstreet Boys “classic mix”), the radio is a viable and underrated option. Radio gets a bad rap, but listening to local stations is a road trip tradition. Blast that country music in the South, listen to some bizarre Christian talk show or find the Top 40 station that every town has and harmonize with Rihanna. Because Rihanna is awesome.

7. Detours – Have you ever asked your pilot to make an unscheduled stop along the way? The FAA frowns on that. But if you’re road tripping and see something like, oh, I don’t know, a hedge maze, you can make an executive decision to get lost in some shrubbery. There are countless amazing destinations just waiting to be stumbled upon. The world’s largest ball of twine is going to call out to you some day. Will you answer?

8. Souvenirs – Road trips generate the best makeshift souvenirs. A menu from a dilapidated diner can easily be slipped into a purse and added to a scrapbook later. Trucker hats from rest stops with innuendo-filled names make great keepsakes (I own a Kum & Go hat that a friend purchased for me on a road trip). One man’s schlock is another man’s memento.

9. Friends Both New & Old – Who needs hotels when you can stay with friends? Road trips are a great excuse to call up old friends to ask if you can stay the night when you pass through town. Or, if people are willing, to stay with friends of friends who are willing to put you up. If you announce on Twitter or Facebook that you need a place to stay en route, you’ll be surprised who volunteers their couch or air mattress. We’re only strangers until we say hello.

10. Bonding – The older you get, the harder it is to spend real quality time with the people you care about. Work will demand more of your attention. Family will become a bigger priority. And the time you have to share with friends will diminish. A road trip is a great opportunity to really be ourselves, relive old glories and create new memories that will sustain us through those dull days at the office. Road trips heighten emotions. Jokes are funnier. Laughs are heartier. And the farts stink more if you lock the windows.

Road trips are less about the destination than the journey. It’s cliché, I know. But if all you cared about was getting from Point A to Point B, you wouldn’t call it a road trip. You’d call it driving. A road trip is its own special category of travel. Enjoy each and every moment of it. And then avoid your tripmates for a few weeks when you get home. You’ll be sick of them by then.