Obnoxious passengers fly on Southwest; nobody surprised

by Grant Martin on

Earlier last week, seventeen women wearing leopard print thongs, clear high-heels and super tight pushup bras flew from Dallas Love field to Detroit for a stripper’s convention. Recalling the difficulty from prior experiences on Southwest Airlines, flight attendants and other staff were tight lipped and let them board the plane in peace.

The twelve members of the Church of Latter Day Saints onboard, however, were not amused. Witnesses report that after an LDS member said something “lewd” to a stripper, the young woman ripped the name tag from the gentleman, crushing it on the floor with the heel of her shoe as LED lights sparkled through the aisle.

A subsequent scuffle between the two groups erupted, with one half screaming obscenities, doing body shots and throwing sex paraphernalia while the strippers ganged up on several LDS members, pinned them to the floor and rubbed their bare asses on churchgoer’s faces.

Meanwhile the crew resigned themselves to the galley in disgust and gossiped about whether the captain or the copilot was hotter.

Asked about the affair, random peg-legged passenger Mike Barish commented:

“There was a scuffle, fighting and yelling on the flight? I didn’t notice. I guess I thought that it was normal.” He then stifled a yawn, shotgunned a Miller High Life and resumed breathing through his mouth.

US broadcasters threaten boycott of Olympics clichés

by Aaron Hotfelder on

As activists urge the US Olympic team to boycott the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China, a group of US broadcasters are threatening to send China– and the rest of the world– a message the only way they know how: by boycotting their favorite Olympics clichés.

Bob Costas, NBC’s anchor for the channel’s Olympics coverage, is demanding change in China’s controversial relationship with Tibet. Said Costas: “If China remains unwilling to grant Tibet its independence, I will boycott the use of phrases like ‘For so-and-so, making it here is a dream come true,’ and ‘This is what the Olympics are all about.'”

Other announcers at NBC have followed Costas’ lead, threatening to eliminate from their repertoire well-worn statements like, “There are no losers here today,” and “This is a David versus Goliath matchup.”

Veteran play-by-play man Dick Enberg, who will be covering tennis and basketball at the Beijing Games, believes the threatened boycott is a unique opportunity for broadcasters to make a difference on a global scale. “If I refuse to say that an athlete is an inspiration ‘on and off the court,'” said Enberg, “it’s not really the Olympics.”

Chinese president Hu Jintao was visibly shaken when he first received news of the proposed boycott yesterday afternoon. The president reportedly said through an interpreter: “I simply must hear Mr. Costas declare that a person has ‘overcome a lot of adversity’ and is ‘on top of the world.'”

The Chinese president was then reportedly overheard telling a top aide, “Set up talks with Tibet immediately.”

Big in Japan: Godzilla, King Koopa and Mother Nature join forces to destroy Tokyo

by Matthew Firestone on

Today at 9:17AM Eastern Standard time, the city formerly known as Tokyo was forever wiped from the world map.

Although this once prosperous Asian megalopolis has weathered the storm of natural disasters and horrific calamities for generations, the events that transpired earlier today are simply impossible to fully comprehend. However, what we do know at this time is that Tokyo was virtually obliterated following a combined attack by Godzilla, King Koopa and Mother Nature.

Tokyo has a long history of rising from the ashes, having survived earthquakes, firebombing and the ever-present threat of Mothra. However, the diabolic cooperation that led to the demise of this once great capital is simply unprecedented.

According to the few remaining survivors, who have since sought refuge on vast manmade islands constructed entirely of empty Cup o’Noodle Styrofoam packaging, the attack commenced when the pre-dawn sky was lit up by the atomic breath of Godzilla. Moments later, legions of Koopa Troopas surrounded the city under the fascist leadership of Bowser himself.

And then, just as the reality of their impending fate began to take hold in everyone’s minds, Mother Nature unfurled a series of volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and tidal waves.
Tokyoites have long lived in the shadow of danger, and have grown accustomed to fending off the various elements that threaten their very existence. Indeed, Japanese children as young as five know that you should hide under doorways during an earthquake, and that the only way to kill a goomba is to jump on its head or hit it with a fireball. And of course, residents of Tokyo have long sang praises to Dr. Daisuke Serizawa, who’s oxygen destroyer has kept the city safe from Godzilla for decades.

However, residents were simply unable to protect their fair city from the overwhelming forces of destruction that were unleashed in rapid succession. As Godzilla rose once again from the depths of Tokyo Bay, the Japanese Self-Defense Force (JSDF) was dispatched en masse to drive the creature back into the ocean depths. However, this fatal mistake left the perimeter of the city unguarded, an unfortunate reality that was quickly exploited by the King of the Koopas.

In the end however, the final nail in the coffin came when long-dormant Mount Fuji blew its top, covering the city in a vast cloud of sulfurous ash. The resounding explosion triggered a whopping earthquake that measured approximately 9.5 on the Richter scale, and submerged much of the city beneath the crashing waves of the Pacific Ocean.

Reports from the ground are patchy at best, especially since the radioactive clouds emitted by Godzilla have disrupted communication throughout Asia. However, what is known is that the few hundred remaining survivors were clever enough to construct makeshift life rafts out of discarded Cup o’Noodle Styrofoam packaging, and are currently floating southeast towards the Hawaiian Islands.

** From all of us here at Gadling, to all of you out there in Cyberspace, hope you are all having a very wicked April Fool’s Day! **

Hundreds killed after villagers drink from Nalgene bottles

by Grant Martin on

UPDATE: This was an April Fool’s post and bears no semblance to reality.

In a small Guatemalan town one hundred miles north of Guatemala City, a mass grave lies just outside of the city square. A mass grave full of people. Dead people.

The town is called La Estancia de Garcia, and it’s population is now 7, down from 149 earlier this year.

It all started with good will visit and donation from Nalgene, the New York based water bottle manufacturer. To show that they were a well-rounded charitable company, they chose the quaint Estancia de Garcia as the model town to send Jonathan Kieliszak, Director of Public Relations, down for a photo shoot and the donation of two hundred one-liter Nalgene branded bottles for charity.

The problem is that these bottles were made of Lexan, a potentially dangerous polymeric material that could have dangerous side effects because it contains the compound known as bisphenol-A. We posted on these potential threats ad nauseum last year.

As a result of the controversy, Nalgene has modified the chemical composition of their trademark water bottles to include a slightly modified compound called polymethyl methacrylate which is completely harmless to humans. But the water bottles they sent to Guatemala contained the old, hazardous compound.

Shortly after Mr. Kieliszak left town, Guatemalans started getting ill. At first they thought it was the flu until children started vomiting a thick black mucus and getting high fevers. Their family members next became violently ill, then most of the entire village. Soon, 142 of the 149 villagers were dead. The other seven happened to be on a hunting expedition that week and not consuming liquids out of the bottles.

Now, J. Kieliszak and the polymer lobby are working hard in Washington DC trying to cover up the affair. They claim that the village became ill due to “natural causes” and that Nalgene did nothing wrong. And they’ve quietly returned to Estancia de Garcia to collect used water bottles and bring them back to the states for “testing”.

Who knows what the effects of concentrated amounts of bisphenol-A did to the Guatemalan villagers? Will we ever find out what the real cause of their deaths was? Nalgene has been tight lipped on the topic, and as the lobbyists work hard in Washington, the story slowly fades into the limelight. But for these Guatemalans, my Nalgene water bottle has now been retired.

Starving kids in China growing tired of US leftovers

by Aaron Hotfelder on

An informal poll among China’s starving children has revealed that they’re no longer consuming American leftovers with the enthusiasm they once did.

Since 1988, poverty-stricken Chinese youths have received small servings of food from American children via the underground “Leftover Pipeline” that runs from San Francisco to Beijing. In recent times, however, the majority of Chinese kids have been unwilling to consume the half-eaten apples and week-old meat loaf that frequently spills from the pipeline.

Some experts say that globalization is to blame, at least in part, for the Chinese kids’ increasingly finicky tastes. No longer content with cartons of almost empty generic “orange drink,” the children are demanding unopened bottles of the higher-priced Sunny Delight, a drink they also prefer to the “purple stuff” they’re often given to drink.

In conversations with China’s starving kids, it’s obvious that they appreciate the generosity of American mothers, who issue near-constant reminders about them. Li Xiang, an 11-year-old girl from south Beijing, said through an interpreter, “I love very much the Americans who have fed me for my years. But I no longer wish to eat your last bite of green beans. School lunches I especially detest.”

She added: “Are you not home to the McDonald’s? Could you not send an entire Happy Meal? Cash, too, would be most welcome.”