SkyMall Monday: Fernando the Chihuahua

by Mike Barish on

I’ll always remember where I was when I heard the news. I think we all will. I was in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. There was a “Breaking News Alert” on CNN. I looked up from my giant magnifier and realized that the world would never be the same. In that moment, I knew how my parents must have felt when President Kennedy was killed. My heart sank. I struggled to swallow. My eyes welled up as I attempted to stifle the tears. Gidget, the former Taco Bell chihuahua, was dead. I’ve never been a fan of Taco Bell. In fact, I can count on one hand the amount of times that I have made “a run for the border.” Oddly, though, I need several more hands to count the number of apocalyptic bowel movements caused by those visits. But Gidget was a cultural icon. Lost in the news of the deaths of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Billy Mays, Gidget’s passing last week got me thinking: Can SkyMall help me mourn? Our favorite catalog has been there for us when we didn’t even know we had a problem. But could it help me get through the Five Stages of Grief? It only took me a few moments to realize that SkyMall could comfort me in ways that no human could. Because SkyMall sells Fernando the Chihuahua.

Let’s look at each stage of grief and how a 9.5″ tall chihuahua statue helped me smile again:
Denial: I spent my first day with Fernando watching the original commercial in a loop while stroking his back and saying, “I’m so proud of you, Gidget. So, so proud.”

Anger: Day two with Fernando was fraught with a great deal of yelling. I blamed Fernando for Gidget’s death and repeatedly told him that his hat made him look like a whore.

Bargaining: “God, if you bring Gidget back and turn Fernando into a real dog, I promise to let them hump whenever they want. Yes, even at the breakfast table.”

Depression: I didn’t leave the house for days. And no matter how much peanut butter I slathered on myself, Fernando just sat there and did nothing.

Acceptance: Eventually, I came to terms with Gidget’s death. And I apologized to Fernando for that comment about his hat. I realized that it doesn’t make him look like a whore. It makes him look like an over-referenced Mexican stereotype. Just like Gidget.

Perhaps there is no more fitting tribute to Gidget’s influence than the official product description for Fernando:

Hollywood’s new “top dog” will be a hit at your house too when you welcome this life-size, quality designer resin pooch with his black buton nose and warm brown eyes.

Hollywood’s top dog. Take that, Lassie and Rin Tin Tin. Suck it, Benji. ¡Viva Gidget! ¡Viva Fernando! ¡Viva SkyMall!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Genuine Turkish Wrap

by Mike Barish on

I love the beach (yes, I do leave the SkyMall Monday headquarters from time to time). When I’m not admiring my Alien Gnome Bandits or towing my nieces in a shoe-shaped raft, you can find me relaxing on the beach with a good book, some sweet tunes and the tiniest bathing suit I can find [Note: I have photos of me in said bathing suit, but Gadling’s editors threatened me with great bodily harm if I included them in this post]. The problem with my tiny bathing suit, though, is that it has no pockets. Sure, I could wear my denim cutoffs, but denim just doesn’t breath. So, what is a man in a tiny bathing suit supposed to do with his Chapstick, sunscreen, keys, iPhone, water, magazine, book and other accessories. Use a backpack, you say? And get tan lines from the straps? Would I be wearing a banana hammock if I didn’t care about tan lines? Geez! No, I need something that is comfortable, is made for the beach and will keep my valuables snug (just like my mankini does). Only one thing could solve a problem of such epic magnitude: SkyMall. And wouldn’t you know it, our favorite catalog has just the product for this conundrum. Everybody, I’d like you to meet the Genuine Turkish Wrap.

Finally, someone has made a towel with pockets. And it has snaps to keep it secure so that I only show off my budgie smugglers when I’m ready for the sun. It’s like a towel and a skirt had a baby and that baby was a boy! Think my analogy is weak? Well, Ivan Drago thought America was weak and how’d that turn out? But don’t take a jingoistic film sequel’s word for it. Check out the product description:

While most towels come loose easily and must be constantly re-tied around the body, these wraps fasten in place and are fitted with pouch pockets…into which lip balm, jewelry, sunglasses, suntan lotion, or shampoos can be placed

It fits multiple shampoos! Plural! Beat that with your regular beach towel that holds no shampoos. And the really good news? The product description goes on to say that “one size fits most.” That’s potentially great for you…maybe…it depends…but probably…fingers crossed.

So, rub some zinc on your nose, pour yourself into your tiniest swimsuit and invite the sexiest girl you know (because there is also a Genuine Turkish Wrap for the ladies). We’re going to the beach!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Electronic Feng Shui Compass

by Mike Barish on

The SkyMall Monday headquarters is a pretty chaotic place. I’m constantly testing products, rotating hot dogs and pulling children around. But, despite all the schlock that’s littering my workspace, it’s still a calm, soothing and spiritual place. How do I manage to keep things so full of positive qi? Well, with feng shui, of course. Sadly, though, it’s not easy to keep things harmonious when it’s difficult to get your hands on an authentic feng shui compass. Besides, in this digital age, I can’t be bothered with more analog crap. No, I need technological advances to make my life easier and help me practice my pseduoscience with ease. And there’s no better place to seek a tool of enlightenment that utilizes a standard USB port to charge its lithium polymer battery than SkyMall. Which is why I have put my spiritual well-being right in the palm of my hand with the Electronic Feng Shui Compass.

Harnessing positive energy and aligning my life force with my natural environment has never been easier. Now, after a full session of charging, I can use my Electronic Feng Shui Compass to tell me where my ugly orange sectional should go. Maybe you think feng shui is a joke. Maybe you think it’s real but that an electronic device has no place in such an ancient practice. Maybe you think too much. Turn your brain off and just rely on the product description:

Working with electromagnetic energy, this handheld feng shui compass helps you support favorable conditions at home or in a hotel room. Operating with the same technology used in aerospace guidance systems, it locates and calculates energy fields so quickly, you align your physical surroundings to match your intentions.

If there’s a more natural marriage of ideas than aerospace guidance systems and feng shui, I don’t know what it is. They go together like peanut butter and telecommunications. And it’s so portable that I can take it with me when I travel. That will allow me to spend hours rearranging the hotel room furniture until the vibrations of Heaven and Earth heal the my back pain that was caused by rearranging the hotel room furniture. It’s the circle of life, people. Hakuna Matata.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Looking Good Edition

by Mike Barish on

Summer is here, and we’re looking to get out of the SkyMall Monday headquarters to enjoy some sun, sand and surf. But, well, as I’ve discussed in this space before, I’m not exactly winning a hot body contest anytime soon. Thankfully, our favorite catalog knows that we’re not all going to be beauty queens. That’s why SkyMall helps us hide our flaws and trick others into thinking that we’re the bees knees! This week, we look at not one, not two, but five products that are so perfect, they’ll make all of us look and feel perfect, too! So, keep ordering those supersized English Breakfasts and refrain from exercising. Exercise is for suckers. Let the healing powers of SkyMall wash over you and turn you into the person you were always meant to be. I mean, it beats jogging, right?

ShapeUp Body Slimmer (pictured at above) – Ladies, guys want nothing more than to buy you drinks, get you home and then see you spill out of a human sausage casing. I mean, what’s sexier than 200 pounds of woman in a 150-pound bag?

Instant Face Lift Kit – From the product description: “Special tapes adhere unnoticeably with concealed, fully adjustable elastic bands, lifting sagging skin from face, eye area, neck and jaw line.” And you thought putting taping on your face was only good for laughs.

Body Figure Enhancing Pads (photo at right) – Remember how the ShapeUp Body Slimmer was going to hide all those curves? Well, forget that and add some curves instead. Again, guys love getting you naked and seeing a silicone chicken cutlet clinging to your behind like Garfield on a car window. From the product description: “They stay put even when dancing or exercising.” Who doesn’t want a fake butt stuck to their real butt while they’re putting in an hour on the elliptical machine?

Lip Enhancement Kit – From the product description: “Most beauty experts agree that plump lips are the most important feature for a young and attractive look.” Yep, forget a youthful personality, healthy skin or the absence of a horn. Nothing shaves years off of your appearance like overinflated lips that resemble a couple of Vienna sausages.

Guide to Healthy Aging (photo at right) – I don’t profess to understand what this product is, what services it provides or why it costs $3,495.00. But good lord, look at the picture that accompanies it!

See, it’s so easy to look good, lie to the general public and mask all of your flaws, whether they are real or just perceived that way by the media and the “cool girls” that mocked you in high school. So, tuck away your problem areas, tape up your face, slap on a fake buttock and puff up those lips. Then get outside, get drunk and surprise a lucky guy with all your enhancements. After all, it’s summer. Live it up!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Full Color Photo Throw ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on

Welcome to a very special edition of SkyMall Monday. For the first time in the illustrious history this series, I can provide you with a first-hand, hands-on, handy review of a SkyMall product. This may shock and/or amaze you, but I don’t actually test the products that I review in this space. I know, I know. It seems disingenuous. But you’d be surprised how well you can understand a product when its usefulness is just so plainly obvious. But, when the time came to purchase a going away gift for a friend, I knew that it needed to be the perfect balance of practicality and narcissism. And so, with great optimism, excitement and trepidation, my friends and I ordered the Full Color Photo Throw.

I’ve long been obsessed with the Full Color Photo Throw. I’d wanted to give a blanket with my face on it to someone…anyone…but couldn’t decide who was deserving of such woven perfection. But my friend Jenny solved that riddle when she had the idea to gift the blanket to Asami, our friend who has been in New York studying English for close to a year. What better way to let her know how much we enjoyed her friendship and how badly we’ll miss her than to send her back to Japan with a blanket sporting our charming smiles?

Photos were taken, the order was placed with SkyMall and, very shortly thereafter, we received the packet of instructions for submitting our chosen image. In just a few short weeks, our blanket arrived. To say that we were pleased with the service and quality is an understatement. I mean, it’s a blanket…with our faces on it…and we never had to leave the house. If that’s not that apex of what the internet has to offer, I don’t know what could possibly be coming in the future. I can only hope that it will be a Full Color Photo Throw that flies. And gets good gas mileage.

We presented Asami with the blanket this past weekend and, needless to say, she loved it. She’s eager to get back to Hokkaido and show everyone how amazing her American friends are. And we’ll be famous in Northern Japan for being the blanket people. It’s a win-win.

The Full Photo Throw is fantastic. I recommend it with great confidence and enthusiasm, as proven by the use of this exclamation point! But I would suggest that you include my likeness on any blanket that you order. That seems to be the factor that guarantees the blanket’s success.

So, SkyMall, kudos and huzzah to you. You sell at least one worthwhile product that forwards the human existence and raises the level of discourse in all blanket-related conversations. And you also enabled the creation of a blanket that includes not one, but two Gadling contributors (yep, that’s yours truly in the bottom row in the middle and Jeremy Kressmann in the lower right-hand corner).

I’ll wrap things up with my own “official” product description. SkyMall editors, feel free to use this. It’s my gift to you:

Do you love your friend? Do you love yourself? Do you want to combine that love in a way that won’t result in awkwardness? Then keep your pants on and purchase the Full Color Photo throw instead. You, your friend and your ego will be glad you did.

Photo by Matt Huang.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.