SkyMall Monday Classic: Wineglass Holder Necklace

by Mike Barish on

In honor of Gadling’s celebration of all things wine, we’re re-posting a classic SkyMall Monday that originally ran on May 25, 2009. There are other wine-related products on SkyMall, but none deserve the appreciation that this one merits. It also happens to be one of my favorite SkyMall products of all-time. Enjoy and cheers!

I like to drink. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many of us enjoy a drink or six from time to time. But I also like to eat. When I’m at a cocktail party or a bar, I’m sure to be found enjoying some hors d’oeuvres or or a rack of ribs. And I love to meet new people. There’s nothing more enjoyable than mingling with a crowd and doing elaborately choreographed handshakes with new friends. But, well, I only have two hands. And if one holds my drink and the other holds my food, well, you see where this is going. Thankfully, this week SkyMall Monday solves the problem of being a personable, yet gluttonous, alcoholic. Our favorite catalog has once again foreseen that we are not capable of managing our own lives, so they’ve taken care of everything by allowing us to look fashionable while staying socially lubricated with the Wine Glass Holder Necklace.

Look, we can’t be troubled to put our wine glasses down while we interact with people. We have memories to repress and social anxiety to quell. That’s why this gadget is so ingenious. We should have been wearing our wine glasses around our necks all along. The fact they we don’t have an extra hand extending out of our chests suggests to me that evolution may be a pretty lame theory. I know that I want my red wine precariously dangling around my neck and swinging to and fro as I slalom between people to make my way to the carving station.

Think I’m being too serious about this situation? Your lack of faith in me is really beginning to cause problems in this relationship. But I’ll meet you halfway and let a neutral party explain to you why this product is so amazingly necessary. Take it away, SkyMall product description:

Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip!

Red wine is good for your heart and now it’s close to your heart! See, it’s only natural that we hold our clothing-staining beverages not in out hands but right in our chests. So drink, eat and network all you want at parties because now you’ll have your hands free to indulge. And the best part? It comes as a set of two, so you and your enabler sponsor can mingle together.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Beer Pager

by Mike Barish on

When I was in high school in the mid-90s, beepers were all the rage. My mother, being the prudent parent that she was, forbid me from having one. While I was devastated, it probably would not have improved my social life that much as no one would have paged me. But I digress. Pagers have fallen on hard times since then. Cellphones reign supreme and beepers have been relegated to the dregs of society like drug dealers and doctors. But leave it to SkyMall to find a new group who could benefit from having a pager. Yes, only SkyMall can bring a medium back from the dead and rejuvenate it. Only SkyMall can take a technology utilized by sophisticated establishments like The Cheesecake Factory and Applebee’s and bring it into your home. Yes, only SkyMall can deliver the Beer Pager.

Let me set the scene for you. It’s Tuesday morning. You’ve been up for three days straight on a meth binge. Your girlfriend has been yelling at you for two hours about something (you’re not sure what because she’s impossible to understand ever since you bit off half of her tongue in your last fight). There’s a baby crying and you don’t remember where you left him…or her…or them…whatever. You can’t hear yourself think, let alone remember where you set down that beer you kind of remember cracking open five minutes or two days ago. But, you look down, and there on the waistband of your Zubaz pants is the remote for your Beer Pager!

Your press the button and the noise emanating from your girlfriend’s toothless mouth fades away. The crying of that mysterious baby no longer invades your wax-laden ears. Instead, the only sound you hear is the sweet belch coming from your Beer Pager. There, in its koozie, on its melodious coaster, is your warm can of Schlitz. And, once again, all is right in the world.

If that scenerio isn’t proof enough for you that the Beer Pager improves lives, then read the official product description;

With a press of the remote button, this cozy with removable coaster lights up and lets loose a satisfying belch. Mini remote clips to your belt and will activate up to 60 ft, even through walls.

Through walls and up to 60 feet? That sounds perfect for a double-wide!

Welcome back, pagers. It’s the dawn of a new era for this technology. The Beer Pager is here. And I think the world is a better place for it.

A tip of my hat to Tess Walker for sending me the Beer Pager suggestion.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Digital Nightvision Scope

by Mike Barish on

Outside of the SkyMall Monday Headquarters, I’ve seen some epically beautifully things. Soaring mountains, raging waterfalls and rolling meadows that stretched towards what seemed like an infinite horizon. Yep, the world is a beautiful place. But, sometimes that beauty is hiding. Sometimes, that beauty tries to evade you. Sometimes, you have to hunt for that beauty. You see, from time to time, the greatest natural wonder is also the most clever: human. What’s more beautiful than a young lady who perhaps you once datedl. Or who is living in a fifth floor apartment? Or whose court ordered restraining order requires you to stay 100 yards from her? Yes, that is the truest of beauties. But how does one appreciate this gorgeous scenery when the sun goes down? And how does one gaze upon its wonder from a distance approved by local law enforcement? Thankfully, SkyMall understands that beauty is not always about mountains and waterfalls that everyone can share. Sometimes it’s about a beauty that only you deserve to see. And in those complicated times, there’s no better tool for the lover of beauty than the 250′ Digital Nightvision Scope.

With its 250′ range and six hours of battery life, it’s a shame that it doesn’t come with a sandwich, because you’re going to be lurking in the bushes for a while. Now, neither distance nor darkness will stop you from appreciating the natural beauty of that girl who just doesn’t understand that only you can make her happy. Don’t think that a Digital Nightvision Scope is the way to appreciate all the beauty that the world has to offer? Why won’t you people just leave me alone? Well, at least the official SkyMall product description understands me.

Perfect for late night counter-surveillance or daytime surveillance operations…With the help of a tripod, it can be used for stationary long-term viewing as well as for video recording on peripheral equipment.

She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine. Sure, you could use the Digital Nightvision Scope to view those mountains and waterfalls and meadows. But that scenery won’t help you pleasure yourself (unless mountains are your thing, freak).

So, fix yourself a sandwich, grab your favorite lotion and bring the Digital Nightvision Scope with you as you perch yourself on your favorite tree branch. You finally have a room with a view.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Walk-O-Long

by Mike Barish on

Shockingly, I do not have any children…that I know of. Sure, they’re cute and cuddly and can fetch you a beer when you don’t want to step away from the television. But, in these modern times, they’re also coddled, spoiled and, quite frankly, a tad too cocky. Now that they can control their own nosebleeds and traverse even the most demanding terrains, there’s just no stopping their egos from growing beyond our control. Children used to be humble and obedient. Today, they text their parents with demands for Super Sweet Sixteens. We’ve lost control of our children (well, your children). That’s why I’ve decided that the time has come for adults to once again assert our dominance. For those of us with drivers licenses, voting rights and porn purchasing power to rise up, stand tall and crush those sniveling rugrats once and for all. Since this is a new problem that I just realized we have, there is clearly only one source that could possibly provide us with the necessary assistance. I am referring, of course, to SkyMall. But how can SkyMall help us destroy the spirits of countless children? It is but a catalog of fantastical goods. Well, did you know that SkyMall sells the single greatest product for psychological warfare against children? Oh, yes, my adult comrades, it is true. I give you the Walk-O-Long.

How does it work, you ask? You’re just chock full of questions today, aren’t you? You see, the Walk-O-Long is a foam and nylon leash that connects to a harness that you strap onto your child. Watch from a convenient-and forced-close proximity as your child’s self-esteem, freedom and imagination slowly whither away. With their ability to run free and believe in their self-worth sufficiently destroyed, children will cede control and adults will finally return to power.

Not sure that the Walk-O-Long is up to the task? Lest you doubt my selection of this child-destroyer, I’m happy to share this information from the product description:

Made of super strong flat nylon webbing used by firefighters with built-in comfy handles to fit every adult grip.

It fits every adult grip! That includes both kung-fu and Super Poli!

So, are you with me? Will you join the resistance? Then put on your camouflage underpants, pack a lunch and purchase the Walk-O-Long. It’s about time children stopped being treasured and started being tethered.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Leather Driving Gloves

by Mike Barish on

I love a good road trip. There’s nothing better than leaving the SkyMall Monday headquarters and exploring this great country of ours. But the rigors of a long car ride can often be too much for a man to handle. I’m not talking about my legs getting stiff or all the fast food I eat at rest stops. No, it’s the blisters. When I drive, it’s a white knuckle adventure and it wears out my silky smooth, heavily-moisturized skin. I’ve tried steering with my knees, my mouth and my mind, but nothing seems to provide the control and and stability that highway patrolman demand that I possess. What’s a dainty-handed man to do? Rather than loosen my grip or remove the sandpaper steering wheel cover, I’ve decided to learn a lesson from the past. You see, when automobiles first came on the scene, there was romance and style. Drivers were debonair and handsomely attired. They protected their eyes with goggles, necks with scarves and hands with gloves. Because you can’t just grip the wheel, shift the gears and text your mistress with unprotected hands. You need to be safe. You need a coating that only a dead animal hide can give you. You need SkyMall’s Leather Driving Gloves.

Why do you need driving gloves? Well, if you’re like me, even passive activities make you sweat like a pig. Simply getting out of bed in the morning causes me to glisten like a glazed donut. I can’t have the steering wheel slipping out of my hand while on another one of my wacky adventures in the SkyMall Monday Mobile. And speaking of donuts, who wants that mess all over their fingers while driving? Think I’m not fit to operate a motor vehicle or a Gadling post? Well, SkyMall disagrees:

Buttery soft… thin enough to tune the radio. So comfortable they feel like a second skin. Ventilation notches keep your palms dry, even in a tricky hairpin turn.

Finally, a glove that is thin enough to give me that precision radio control that I need. And everyone knows that 88% of palm sweat incidents occur during turns. It’s nice to see a glove that addresses that scourge of the road.

Look, you can drive naked if you want, but when your palms sweat and you crash your car into a tree, you’ll be embarrassed when the police have to use the jaws of life to cut your naked body out of your car. As for me, I’d rather have put on a pair of Leather Driving Gloves and arrive safely at my nudist colony weekend.

Drive safe, SkyMall Maniacs!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.