SkyMall Monday: Waistband Stretcher

by Mike Barish on

Here at the SkyMall Monday world headquarters, we eat a lot. Moderation is a four-letter word, as far as I’m concerned. How can anyone expect me to eat responsibly with all these zig-zagging brownies and giant cupcakes laying around? So, as you can imagine, I’m not exactly in bikini shape this summer. Which is fine, since I’m a dude, but it also means that I’m not in old-timey bathing suit shape either. Sadly, I’ll have to avoid the beach and stay fully clothed this summer. But what if my clothes don’t fit anymore? I mean, I’ve eaten a lot of those giant cupcakes. I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. You may be surprised to learn that writing SkyMall Monday is not exactly the most lucrative endeavor. Basically, I get paid with SkyMall gift cards which I use to purchase more giant cupcake pans. So, how can I make my clothes fit without changing my lifestyle and becoming healthy? Well, I could always force my pants to fit with the Waistband Stretcher!

Now, instead of dieting, exercising, sleeping well and abstaining for alcohol, I can just stretch my pants out until they fit around my robust, girthy torso. I can continue to shovel heaping amounts of homemade donuts into my gullet comforted by the knowledge that my pants are always a quick stretch away from allowing blood flow to my lower extremities. My genitalia have never been more excited!

Don’t believe my excited genitalia? Fine, don’t take their word for it. But you have to trust the product description:

When your waistband feels too snug, reach for the Waistband Stretcher. You don’t have to get rid of your favorite jeans, skirts or slacks thanks to this simple waist-band stretching device that lets you add from 1-5 inches (depending on size of garment) to the waist of cotton pants, skirts, and shorts. Just moisten the garment’s waistband, insert the waistband stretcher, extend the garment to the desired size and let dry – voila, a more comfortable fit!

Of course, once the cupcakes and donuts induce the heart attack that I have scheduled for July, I’m certain to lose a few pounds in the hospital. Comas will do that. I’m sure that there’s a reverse setting on the Waistband Stretcher and I’ll get those 1-5 inches back in no time. Voila, waistband shrunk! No? You can’t unstretch a waistband? Well, back to my diet of choice then.

SkyMall Monday: Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier

by Mike Barish on

We all want to look cool. Cool looking people are just, well, cooler than regular people. Sadly, as we get older, it becomes harder to look cool. Unless you’re Sean Connery, who is just a cool old man. But I digress. Here at SkyMall Monday, it’s important that we always look cool and help you do the same. So, as you age and your faculties begin to fail you, fear not. Our favorite catalog is there to catch us when we fall. If you’re getting up there in years and your hearing is beginning to worsen, you can’t just go around cupping your ear and saying, “What’s that?” at an obnoxious volume. No, you need to discreetly and sexily enhance your hearing. And that’s why there’s no better remedy for your hearing problems than the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier.

This is no average hearing aid. This device looks like one of those fancy-schmancy Bluetooth gadgets that all the hip and happening young professionals are wearing with their Blackberries and whatnots.* Your hair may be silver, your face may have more crow’s feet than, well, a group of crows (which is called a murder), but that doesn’t mean you’re out of touch with today’s trends. With this baby in your ear, you’ll be popping and locking rather than Lindy Hopping in no time.

Think I’m over-playing my hand? Well, the joke’s on you because we’re not even playing cards. But, as always, the proof is in the pudding product description:

If a conventional hearing aid sounds like an embarrassment to you, try the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations and even hear soft voices from 50 feet away. Now you can enjoy the best of both worlds: a more youthful appearance and better hearing.

So, if a minuscule, flesh-colored, in-ear hearing aid sounds like an embarrassment to you, why not be that guy who keeps his phone earpiece on at all times? People are sure to think that you’re a cool old man now. Now, if you could only figure out how to use those new-fangled cellphones and could convince your grandkids to turn down that noise that they call the hip hops.

* And by hip and happening I mean tremendously douchey.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Chatter Talking Pet Bowl

by Mike Barish on

Sadly, there are no pets in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. I travel too much to have a dog and cats are just terrible. I had a turtle once, but I had to get rid of him when I discovered that he was anti-Semitic. But I know plenty of pet owners and they always feel terrible when they have to leave their animals home alone. They always worry that their pets will be lonely or miss them so much that they’ll just die. Or pee on the rug. I think only that second part may be true. I don’t always listen when other people talk. Especially about their pets. But I digress. I’m sure that pets get sad when they are alone, so what better way to remind them that they are loved by confusing them with a disembodied voice? Thankfully, SkyMall is prepared to perplex your pets with the Chatter Talking Pet Bowl.

The Chatter Talking Pet Bowl allows you to record a message that plays when your furry friend attempts to peacefully enjoy a snack. Surely your pet will love hearing your voice and then scouring the house to find you. Imagine his joy as he realizes that his loving owner is home and ready to play. Of course, he’ll think you live inside his food bowl, which is odd. But hey, you’re his magical owner who is capable of amazing things like providing him with food and rubbing his belly. No doubt you can also be inside his food dish and/or invisible.

Still don’t think that fooling your pet with a recorded voice is a brilliant idea? Think you’re better than me? Get off your high horse and read the product description:

Does your pet miss you when you’re away? Now your baby can hear your voice any time with the ChatterBowl talking pet bowl…the ChatterBowl helps keep your best friend company, even when you’re away from home.

Your pet needs you at all times. You can’t expect an animal that is entertained by shiny lights and car horns to occupy itself all day without you. It needs to hear your voice at all times just like you love to hear it too. Because you are so important.

So, love and confuse your pet with the Chatter Talking Pet Bowl. Your pet may not care, but you’ll be glad you did.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

Greyhound travel: A worthy option and travel tips for the ride.

by Jamie Rhein on

When deciding how to get to New York City from Columbus at the last minute earlier this week, airfares were hefty, even for flights with connections that may or may not happen according to schedule. Fly to New York from Columbus and you’ll see what I mean. Frankly, when tossing in the realities of making my way through airport security, Greyhound was a better option. Last summer I traveled from New York to Columbus on the bus, and I’m still a fan of bus travel.

One advantage to bus travel was being able to leave at 11:25 p.m. Because it was a last minute trip, I had much to do before heading away from home for a few days. There wasn’t a flight that fit my needs.

Before embarking on a night bus, however, there are a few items to consider. Here are some tips to having a more restful, relaxing and enjoyable ride.

  1. Bring a neck pillow. Yes, I know a neck pillow looks sort of dumb, something that Mike could josh about in SkyMall Monday, but the one I brought along made a difference to how well I was able to sleep. Whether you’re in an aisle or a window seat, it works well.
  2. Bring socks if you’re wearing sandals. It feels good to slip off shoes. When my feet started getting cold I put socks on and was glad that I had them.
  3. Bring water. Unlike the airplane, you can buy water beforehand and bring it with you without a hassle.
  4. Bring something for listening to music. Sure, this might be obvious to most you Gadling readers, but I’m not a person who plugs into music. For this trip, though, I scrounged around the house for a portable CD player, bought a new pair of earplugs and grabbed some batteries along with a couple of CDs before I left the house. I only listened to a CD when I wanted to go to sleep. It helped relax me.
  5. Bring an apple or two. Apples travel well. Fresh fruit on a bus trip feels healthy.
  6. Bring a lightweight blanket–like maybe one you took from an airplane, by mistake. Or a shawl. The shawl I had was lightweight, but it helped give me a sense of comfort.
  7. Bring a few snacks. Even though you can buy snacks at rest stops, you may not find what you feel like eating and the rest stop may not have power. When we stopped in Pennsylvania, the electricity at the rest stop was out so I couldn’t get some of that yummy machine coffee I was so looking forward to.

Things to keep in mind:

  1. Keep your toothbrush and toothpaste handy in your carry-on bag. Brushing your teeth in the morning at the breakfast stop helps you feel fresh.
  2. If you do bring your toothbrush and toothpaste into the breakfast stop bathroom, don’t forget them there. Particularly if they are with your makeup bag. If you do that, be glad it wasn’t your money that you left behind. I know I’m glad.
  3. If the bus driver tells you not to get off the bus because it’s a quick stop, don’t get off the bus. One man got off in Newark, New Jersey and was left behind. People on the bus told his wife to tell him to take the Path train in order to meet up with her in Manhattan.If this happens to you, the Path train is on the second floor of the Newark terminal. At least, that’s what I heard.
  4. If you are stuck waiting for the transfer bus, like in Cleveland, Ohio at 3:00 a.m., for example, take the opportunity to people watch and be glad that there wasn’t enough room for everyone on the first bus. If you are on the 2nd bus, you might be lucky enough to sit by yourself. I was.
  5. And, best of all, enjoy the scenery as you roll by. Think about what it would be like on a wagon train. At least you have air-conditioning and a cushioned seat.It could be worse. You could be stuck in an airport wondering when your connecting flight will ever take off.
  6. One more thing. Even if you do put your bag under the bus, you can keep track of it since you are the one to transfer it from one bus to the next. After you pick it up after the luggage handler has set it next to the bus, put your suitcase in the line for the gate, chat with one of the people standing in line along with you, ask “Would you mind watching this for a second?” and then go to the bathroom. Everyone does this. At least they did in Cleveland.
  7. If there is an artist in you waiting to come out, release the muse. Look at these lovely sketches of people at the Cleveland bus terminal by Emily R. Feingold that I just came across.

I’ll be heading back to Columbus on another night bus tomorrow. Because it’s a bus ticket, as long as I’m heading from New York to Columbus, I can go on whichever bus suits my schedule.

Not a bad deal for $169 round trip, the cost for a last minute ticket. If I had purchased it a week earlier, it would have been cheaper.

SkyMall Monday: Box of Applause

by Mike Barish on

You may be shocked to learn that I live in the SkyMall Monday HQ alone. There is no Mrs. SkyMall Monday. And, as difficult as this may be for you to believe, I demand a lot of attention. I need constant reassurance. That’s why I rely so heavily on SkyMall to get me through life. Because, while your friends and family may let you down over and over again, SkyMall will always be there to make you feel good about yourself and put the pieces back together when things don’t work out how you had hoped. And this week, I’m focusing on a product that everyone needs to keep them feeling healthy, happy and appreciated. You see, no matter what your boss, mother or life coach says, you’re awesome. How awesome? So awesome that even inanimate objects adore you. Well, at least the Box of Applause does.

The Box of Applause is just that; It’s wooden box that showers you with the sounds of adoration when opened. Just land a big account at work? Open the box! Score a date with the girl at the coffee shop? Open the box! Or, more likely, enhance your spell casting potential in World of Warcraft? Open the box!

Think it’s sad and pathetic to seek encouragement from a wooden box? Man, you are so judgmental! Who are you to devalue the love and respect of pine box with steel hinges. Only the writers of the product description can melt your icy heart:

Open this box and be greeted with the sounds of cheering and clapping from a very enthusiastic crowd. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting that Oscar, Grammy, or Nobel Peace Prize.

Yes, there’s nothing more exhilarating than closing your eyes and listening to the pre-recorded sounds of people cheering for whomever chose to open a box. You’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. Or at least on top of your online Alf fan club.

So, rather than continue to self-medicate and blame everything on your mother, why not thank her for letting you live in her basement and then celebrate your 38th straight year of “voluntary celibacy” by opening that box? The box will always love you. Just like me.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.