SkyMall Monday: TimeMug

by Mike Barish on

People are always shocked to learn that I don’t drink coffee. They say, “Mike, you attack the day with the vim and vigor of a boy one-third your age. Certainly, you must caffeinate yourself every morning.” People are also surprised to learn that I rarely wear a watch. They say things like, “But, Mike, you are as prompt as a man with one-third the level of OCD that you possess. Certainly, you must have a precision timepiece.” Well, the fact of the matter is I do not need coffee or watches. I’m high on life and my body clock is more accurate than the U.S. government’s atomic clock. But, for those of you who are without these natural gifts there’s the TimeMug.

The TimeMug finally puts a clock face where you’ve always needed it: on the side of your insulated travel mug. How many times has this happened to you: You’re sipping your cup of coffee, realize you need to know the time, check your watch and spill your coffee all over your trousers? If you said, “at least seven times,” then I’m amazed that you have the motor skills to access this website. Regardless, who needs the time and their coffee separated? By combining their powers, there’s literally nothing that can stop you from being on-time and alert.*

But what if you’re a fashionista who needs a TravelMug that matches your couture lifestyle? Well, for you there’s the TimeMug Rhinestone Collection. Wouldn’t it look handsome in your Bentley’s cup holder? Yes, it would.

As always, let’s rely on the official product description to seal the deal:

With two rhinestone timepiece options and so many dazzling colors to choose from, there’s a TimeMug right for everyone.

The good people at TimeMug understand that the only things that matter to consumers are colors and rhinestones. It’s like they can see into our souls. So, put down your Bedazzler and get yourself a TimeMug.

* Any number of things could still prevent you from being on-time and/or alert including, but not limited to, traffic, insomnia, “Irishing up your coffee,” rabies and explosive diarrhea.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Double Umbrella

by Mike Barish on

It’s time once again for SkyMall Monday. What better way to get the week started than to take a look at another incredibly ingenious and useful product from our favorite high altitude catalog? This week it is my pleasure and privilege to introduce you to the Double Umbrella.

So often I am out on a date with one of my fancy model girlfriends and it will begin to rain. Imagine my embarrassment when I unfurl my umbrella and she sees that it is only built for one person. Sure, it opens to a 60″ canopy, but it’s just one dome. Time and time again I have been left alone holding my umbrella and shattered dreams because a girl has perceived me as selfish. I mean, if my umbrella is built for one, how can I ever be trusted to have a heart built for two?

Well, problem solved! The double umbrella has not one but two canopies! And for added intimacy, it has just one handle. I could clutch it along with my fancy model girlfriend and we’d be holding hands. And dry! Who doesn’t love dry hand holding?

As always, I look to the product description to feed my enthusiasm:

Closed, it looks like a typical umbrella, but opened you’ll find room for two underneath the extra-large double canopy. Any hotel doorman would be proud!

Finally, I’ll attain the approval of hotel doormen that I have been seeking my whole life. My therapist would call this a breakthrough.

I’ll even enjoy using this product alone. When people see me with it, they will know that I clearly have someone special in my life. Someone who loves me and hates water. Someone who is willing to walk confidently with me down the boulevard while we proclaim our love for each other through the only language that can properly convey our emotions: precipitation avoidance. And when I inevitably bump into one of my many acquaintances and they ask me with whom I share this tandem umbrella, I will confidently proclaim, “My fancy model girlfriend. She lives in Canada. You wouldn’t know her.”

Thanks again, SkyMall. You understand my needs better than anyone else. Even my fancy model girlfriend.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: The Slanket

by Mike Barish on

If it’s Monday, it’s a SkyMall product review. Gadling blogger Jeffrey White shared his thoughts about SkyMall this past summer. I must respectfully disagree with his opinion that SkyMall products are either useless crap or overpriced junk. SkyMall products address the needs of the populace and, during these harsh economic times, isn’t that what we all need?

This week we’re talking about The Slanket. Don’t call it “A” Slanket. Or just Slanket. It’s The Slanket. And it’s a blanket…with sleeves! No longer will you be imprisoned underneath your blanket surrounded by snacks, beverages and gadgets that remain achingly outside your reach. Now you’ll be able to grab a fistful of pork rinds and your universal remote without exposing yourself to the perils of in-home frostbite.

So often I find myself sitting on my couch covered in a blanket and tzatziki sauce. Why? Because my attempts to eat my delicious gyro while engulfed in the fleecy warmth of my blanket resulted in embarrassing yogurt-sauce stains. Sure, I’d love to eat over a plate but then my arms would be outside the blanket and I could catch a chill. Should I wisely purchase The Slanket, I’d finally be able to use my arms efficiently and warmly. I mean, just take a look at the SkyMall product description:

Here’s the best blanket – hands down – for snuggling up with a book or laptop computer.

Who doesn’t love snuggling? And with The Slanket, you can quit that pesky habit of having to share your blanket with a loved one. Because The Slanket is just for you and your computer. And your beer. And your internet girlfriend.

The Slanket. Thank you, SkyMall. And thank you to the genius who shot the photos for The Slanket’s sadly hysterical website.

Well, what do you think of The Slanket? Share your thoughts in the comments.