SkyMall Monday: Slumber Sleeve

by Mike Barish on

It’s the holiday season, which means lots of traveling and sleeping at the homes of friends and family. Inevitably, many of you will end up sleeping on couches, air mattresses, beds made for children or floors. Well, for you weary houseguests who end up sleeping in uncomfortable and contorted positions, SkyMall Monday is pleased to profile the Slumber Sleeve pillow.

Some products address such small, niche issues that you wonder why anyone would purchase them. But the Slumber Sleeve works for a much broader audience. Because if you’re a person who has a complete dearth of pillows and likes to wedge your bicep underneath your head then the Slumber Sleeve is perfect for you. It’s so effective that you’ll be able to sleep with your eyes wide open like the totally-not-creepy model featured above. And that will allow you to keep an eye on your surroundings while staying at your uncle’s house. Just because you’re crashing on his couch doesn’t mean he gets to sneak into the guestroom and brush your hair while you’re sleeping.

The product description describes several of the myriad uses of the Slumber Sleeve. Here are a few of the most logical:

  • The Slumber Sleeve is popular with college students or office workers taking a quick nap on a desk between classes or during a break
  • As an ankle pillow, worn on the lower leg when the upper leg is crossed over on top – like when watching TV
  • As a sunbathing aid, worn high on an arm and under your head, allowing for a comfortable side tanning orientation

I know that my boss has no problem with me taking a nap at my desk so long as my arm doesn’t fall asleep. That’s her only concern. The appearance of professionalism and maturity are secondary to me not getting pins and needles in my hand while drooling on the Johnson report.

And I never would have considered using the Slumber Sleeve at the beach. But what a fantastic idea! I mean, I love awkward tan lines and having something clinging to my skin in the hot summer sun!

I know that I’m ordering one right away. Now my arm won’t fall asleep when I finally hire an artist to paint me in the nude while in a state of repose.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Noseaid

by Mike Barish on

Here at SkyMall Monday, we’re always thinking about the kids. Life is hard for kids. Between bullies, food allergies and cooties, there are a lot of things out there trying to kill you. Well, finally, there’s a product that can help kids with a common problem while also keeping them from being teased on the playground. The next time your child gets a nosebleed, be sure to clamp the discreet and handsome Noseaid on his schnoz.

For years, people have treated children’s nosebleeds with tissues and the application of light pressure. Who has the time for that? And who can remember if you’re supposed to tilt the head forwards or backwards? Not me. And certainly not little Timmy in the photo up there. Why not take all the guesswork and parental attentiveness out of the equation and clamp a glorified clothespin right there on his sensitive face?

Let’s face it it. Kids get a lot of nosebleeds. They’re constantly picking their boogers, getting smacked by older brothers and failing to catch easily thrown pop flies from their weekend visitation fathers. If we stopped to hold a tissue to their faces every single time that happened, we’d be missing a lot of television.

As always, we turn to the official product description for definitive proof that we all must own this fruit that has fallen from the amazing tree:

The new Hands-Free NoseAid was developed and patented by an emergency room physician to provide an easy, painless, and safe method to stop nosebleeds. It has been clinically tested and proven effective in patients from ages 3 to 73!

What’s that you say? Your grandfather is 74 years old? Well, you better say goodbye to grandpa, because there is no stopping his nosebleed. That’s quite the gusher. But hey, I’m sure he lived a full life and would want to die with dignity and not with some odd fetish device clamped to his beak.

I recommend keeping a Noseaid on your child’s nose at all times. Not only will his nose never bleed, but his voice will amuse all of your party guests. And he’ll thank you for giving the bullies at school something else to focus on besides his pathological bed-wetting.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Cruzin Cooler

by Mike Barish on

Fire. The Wheel. Airplanes. Bacon. Until recently, it was unanimously agreed upon by all the peoples of the world that these four items were man’s greatest discoveries and inventions. But, in this week’s SkyMall Monday, we learn that those things have all taken a backseat to the single greatest invention ever. A device that will save more lives than the polio vaccine and penicillin combined. Ladies and gentlemen, please gaze in wonderment at the Cruzin Cooler.

Of all the problems faced by the human race, perhaps none had stumped scientists more than how one could transport a heavy bin filled with beer and sandwiches. In fact, the brew/cold cut/lifting paradox had befuddled experts for myriad generations. And with every passing year, more and more people had soreness in their backs and slight cramping in their hands from carrying these deadly boxes. We all wondered, “When will this nightmare end?”

Finally, American ingenuity has defeated this silent killer. Now, only your imagination and 500 watts of power limit where you and your Mike’s Hard Lemonade can go. It truly is the dawn of a better day. Move over grandpa. We’re the greatest generation now.

Let’s take a gander at the product description to really understand the magnitude of what we’re dealing with here:

Perfect for football games, camping, golf & grocery store trips, this motorized ice chest holds up to (24) 12-ounce cans of your favorite beverages, and thanks to a built-in motor, you can travel at up to 13 miles per hour while sitting on a comfortable padded seat.

That’s right, folks. It’s perfect for the grocery store and not at all conspicuous. And, after enjoying some of your “favorite beverages,” what could possibly go wrong at 13 miles per hour with no safety restraints?

For more information, I recommend that you check out the official Cruzin Cooler website that is not at all too busy and looks totally modern. Then purchase yours so that you finally won’t need your mom to drop you off at the beach to hang out with your friends.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Portable Desk

by Mike Barish on

Boy, is this week’s SkyMall Monday going to change your lives.

How many times has this happened to you? You’re running at a personal record pace in your local 5K fun run when your boss calls you asking for the latest figures on the Johnson account. Of course, you have your laptop with you while you run, but we all remember what happened the last time you tried to jog and type. What a disaster. Well, with the Portable Desk, all of your problems have been solved.*

Finally, you can easily type documents, email with friends and surf the internet for fetish porn all while on-the-go. Why not grab your dog or your best gal and take a stroll while you stare downwards at a 45-degree angle and fail to interact with those around you? Outside and don’t believe that it’s raining? Well, now you can keep walking while you check the radar to see if the wetness falling from the sky is real.

But don’t take my word for it. Just take a look at the good ol’ product description:

When you have work to do, having no place to sit is no longer a problem. Now you can use your laptop standing or even walking with this portable desk.

Sure, you could find a chair somewhere or sit on the floor or just, you know, not use your computer for 10 minutes and develop some interpersonal skills. But what’s the fun in that? You’re a busy, successful individual with things to do and World of Warcraft spells to cast.

Would I recommend the portable desk? I’m using it right now. At a urinal. I think that says it all.

* None of your problems are anywhere close to being solved.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: SkyRest Travel Pillow

by Mike Barish on

I suppose it’s about time that I used my SkyMall Monday bully pulpit to review a product that is directly related to travel. Sure, you could use the Double Umbrella on a trip to London, but what about when you’re en route to your destination? How will you arrive there well-rested and prepared to make the most of your time away from your empty, passionless life? Well, you’ll rest easy on your flight if you have the SkyRest Travel Pillow.

You could certainly purchase an airline pillow covered in lice and chlamydia or carry along one of those horseshoe shaped neck pillows that scream, “I’m a loser.” But studies have shown that the human body’s natural sleeping position is seated upright while the head and neck are tilted forward at a 68.4 degree angle. What studies? Hey, look over there!

Available only in dark seafoam green, the SkyRest Travel Pillow is inconspicuous and allows you to sleep while your fellow travelers are none the wiser. And it’s inflatable, so you know you’ll sleep like a baby once you have exhausted yourself filling it with air. Considering that it’s 14″ wide, 12″ deep, 11″ tall in the front and 17″ tall in the back, you’ll most likely have it inflated in time for the person next to you to take her first bathroom break. At which time I’m sure you’ll easily be able to move it out of the way for her.

And the best part? Since it rests on your lap, when the person in front of you reclines his seat, the pillow will be pushed back into you. It’s like getting a face massage in a fancy spa…but for free!

Just look at what the product description has to say about this fantastic product:

Why not join our many thousands of satisfied customers and enjoy the benefits of this uniquely different and very flexible travel pillow.

Yes, people who use this product like to be influenced by peer pressure and abhor proper punctuation. And while I have never actually seen any of these satisfied customers in person, I am sure that this person wishes that she had purchased the SkyRest Travel pillow before her flight. Don’t make the same mistake she did!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.