SkyMall Monday: Branding Irons

by Mike Barish on

I lost my meat today. It’s gone. Don’t mourn its loss. No, this is no time for sorrow. When a man’s meat is pilfered by a no-good poacher, well, that there’s a time for revenge. Time spent cryin’ is time spent dyin’. That’s what my grandpappy used to say. He was shot in the head while cryin’. Damn shame. But back to my meat. I reckon my neighbor done gone and pilfered it. I can’t be having meat just up and disappearin’ from the SkyMall Monday headquarters ranch. I’m gonna up and get me a posse and we’re gonna show that varmint a thing or two about manners. You can’t take a man’s meat and not expect consequences. He has my meat and that meat will be my meat again by sundown tomorrow. He’ll see that when you mess with a man’s meat, you mess with his biggest organ. I’m talking, of course, about his soul. That’s the heart of a man’s meat. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right, my missing meat. Yeah, I can’t have my neighbor thinking he can just take my meat and claim it as his meat. So, from now on, I’m going to make sure that every man, woman and child knows that my meat belongs to me and me alone. How am I gonna do that? Ha, I’m a rascally cowpoke. I went down to the general store SkyMall catalog and purchased me one of them there customized Branding Irons.You see, if you don’t put your name on your meat, then any man can go ahead and call it his meat. That’s meat anarchy. My pa moved the family out here when I was just a wee one so that we could have a better life. If he knew that people were just snatchin’ up meat like it was a whore at the saloon, well, he’d probably just up and get himself a whore at the saloon. And then he’d brand her with these branding irons. And then he’d eat a steak. I miss pappy.

And if you think that I’m just some crazy fella who’s ramblin’ on about meat and whores, well, then you have another thing comin’. You see, those rootin’ tootin’ snake oil salesmen over at that there SkyMall catalog have a thing or two to say about these branding irons. Go on and take a look-see:

Create a personalized iron to brand your steaks, chicken and burgers and show your guests the pride you take in being a great chef!

Pride. That’s a word my grandpappy’s pappy took seriously. He used to brand everything he owned. And he was damned proud of it. I know because my grandpappy had a brand on his backside that says, “My pappy’s proud of me.” And my pappy has a brand on his keister that reads, “Proud Parent of a Vanderbilt Elementary School Honor Student.” Yeah, I was real good at the book learnin’. I’m proud of that. That’s why I branded my Trapper Keeper.

Well, I reckon I best be moseying along now. I have some meat to brand and some whores errands to do. But you remember what I said today, partner: Keep your damn hands off my meat!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Wild Lawn Ornaments

by Mike Barish on

I keep myself safely secluded in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. It’s built inside a mountain, under several hundred feet of granite, in a secure and secret location. This protects me from the fearsome animals that I now assume rule the Earth. While I fear all wildlife and assume that they are out to get me (and/or my Lucky Charms), I do enjoy their decorative properties. But how can I take advantage of the aesthetic qualities of our furry, feathered and scaled friends without being bitten, constricted or dry humped? Taxidermy is expensive and requires first killing animals before they have a chance to kill me. That seems not only difficult but likely to involve unseemly people who peddle in taxidermy and will most certainly make me uncomfortable. That leaves only one viable option for harnessing the majestic beauty of creatures both real, imagined and extinct: lawn ornaments. Lawn ornaments tell everyone in your neighborhood that you’re classy and bored. But where can I satiate my appetite for animal lawn ornaments? Who would have such a buffet of faux-fauna? Who could possibly…oh, come on, you know the answer to these questions. It’s SkyMall’s time to shine! Leave your tranquilizer darts and nets at home. You won’t need them on this safari. Simply pack your imagination and obliviousness to your tacky sense of style. We’re hunting wild lawn ornaments.SkyMall product descriptions in italics followed by my thoughts on these fine works of “art.”

T-Rex Dinosaur Sculpture – Visitors will admire your creative garden style as T-Rex makes a Mesozoic statement! And you won’t understand their Cenozoic response. Nerd joke. Look it up.

Brown Bear Garden Sculpture – Our realistically sculpted, 3-1/2-foot-long mischievous Brown Bear is sculpted 360 degrees to be admired from all sides while lumbering through your garden. I like to admire bears from the backside. Yep, I like bear back.

Raccoon Garden Sculpture – They can be a nuisance–but posed in this adorable pile-up of three, raccoons can also be among Mother Nature’s most endearing creatures. Who doesn’t want to cuddle with some raccoons. Why not create a realistic scene and scatter some garbage around them. And get a dozen or so shots in your stomach for the pretend rabies. Adorable!

Garden Deer Sculpture – “The privilege of a visit from a majestic six-point buck isn’t confined to the tradition of grand European landscapes! The quintessential garden piece, our amazingly accurate investment in garden art stands four-feet-long and over a yard tall, complete with an enviable rack of antlers. A visit from a buck is a privilege not a right. You have to earn it by covering yourself in fake deer urine and sitting in a tree all day. Also, there is no lawn ornament more quintessential than a giant deer. And if you envy antlers, you can always get some of your own. But if you envy antlers, well, you have issues, man. Serious, serious issues.

The Regal Peacock – Almost a full yard of metallic gold and iridescent blue plumage shines in an expansive panorama in this classic English garden piece. Our artisans have hand-painted each feather of this highly textural work in the peacock’s royal palette. I have no joke here. Just high praise for the lofty prose used by one bold and highfalutin SkyMall employee. No plumage is as alluring as his wordsmithing.

Dragon of Falkenburg Castle – Your neighbors will steer clear when they see this intricately sculpted, more than two-foot-long dragon stretched out in your flower bed. This lifelike sculpture is complete with scales, wings and a treacherous tail. Yeah, blame the dragon for keeping your neighbors away. That’s the ticket. Also, who knows what a lifelike dragon would look like? Who here has seen a dragon? Quick show of hands. Anyone? In the back there? No? OK, moving on.

Musical Raccoon Maestro – Greet passing garden visitors with a rousing performance of Mendelssohn’s “Spring Song,” and you’ll get a standing ovation every time. This cute conductor is wearing an appropriately formal black-tie-and-tails outfit and has a motion-activated sound chip for surprising and delighting his audiences. I’d prefer a casually dressed squirrel that plays Matthew Wilder’s “Break My Stride.”

See, you don’t need to venture to the wilds of Africa or Wal-Mart to have animal encounters. You can assemble your own menagerie that will show your neighbors that you are fashionable, sophisticated and not at all lonely. Be it raccoons, a deer or an extinct predator, you will be the undisputed beastmaster of your trailer park.

As for me, I’ll stay in my bunker. My mountain fortress has no lawn to ruin with ornaments.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Underwater Cell Phone System

by Mike Barish on

Here at the SkyMall Monday headquarters, the motto is “Be Prepared…Always” I considered copying the Boy Scouts’ motto verbatim, but I just can’t support any organization that places so much emphasis on neckerchiefs. That said, I like to be ready for any situation, and thankfully the SkyMall catalog anticipates every situation imaginable (and some that only a person on a tremendous amount of hallucinogens could possibly consider). So, while some people are content with put their faith in maps, GPS systems and charts, I require a Plan D. I need to know that, at any time, I can contact my SkyMall Monday support team for assistance. As I often find myself 40 meters underwater and completely lost, I can’t be trying to read a soggy AAA TripTik with outdated notes about speed traps. No, I need real help. Thankfully, SkyMall anticipated this completely common and harrowing situation and responsibly chose to distribute a product that can help me when nothing else can. The next time I’m disoriented below sea level, I’m going to call the Gadling editors and ask for help on my Underwater Cell Phone System.Why would I need to make cell phone calls underwater, you ask? Well, besides my penchant for driving off of bridges, I also happen to do my best thinking while in a wetsuit. And when an idea pops into my head, I feel that it merits a phone call to share the news.

Case in point: Just last year, I was scuba diving and realized that it was time to break up with my girlfriend. I called her immediately and said, “Babe, we’re through. I met a mermaid down here and I think she’s the one.” Now, it turns out that the mermaid was just a manatee with two seductively-placed goiters, but I still think breaking up with someone warrants a phone call.

Don’t think that making phone calls from 40 meters below sea level is necessary? Well, I bet you also think that I don’t need to watch TV while in an elevator. You’re such a Luddite. Well, if you won’t take my word for it, listen to the wizards over at SkyMall:

With the Alpha UWCP, talk with someone 15,000 miles away while diving a tropical reef or in your pool! This complete and sophisticated communication diving system can do it.

It was just last week that I got completely lost and needed help to find my way home. Thankfully, my mother answered the call and told me that I was in the pool and simply needed to get out and walk inside. Now, if I can get lost just trying to find a comfortable place to urinate, you can imagine how desperately I need an Underwater Cell Phone System in my life. It’s anecdotes like this that make the system’s $1,790.00 price tag seem like an absolute peach of a deal.

So, the next time you set off on a road trip, don’t just pack maps and charge your GPS. Lakes, ponds and oceans are lurking everywhere, just waiting to swallow you whole. Only some quick thinking and speed dialing will be able to save you. Be prepared…always.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Solafeet Foot Tanner

by Mike Barish on

This week, as promised, I’m featuring the best new product in the Holiday 2009 SkyMall catalog. And it couldn’t come at a better time.

This may shock you, but being America’s leading SkyMall expert doesn’t pay very well. So, I’ve applied for a lot of jobs to supplement my income. My resumé is impressive. I interview well. But at the end of the process, I always get turned down. And my status of a Doctor of SkyMall also doesn’t attract as many woman as you might think. So, I end up asking out random females every chance I get. It’s not that I have trouble meeting women. I can usually entertain them with witty anecdotes and cheap liquor. But when the time comes to have adult relations, they always point and laugh. To be honest with you, I was about to kill myself after all of this rejection. But then I realized that the problem was right there in front of me. Well, more accurately, it was underneath me. My pale feet were making me a social pariah. But how could I possibly remedy such an acute condition? How could I treat a problem as complex and localized as Pale Feet Syndrome Disease Condition (PFSDC)? Depressed and out of socks, I turned to my Primary Care Physician: SkyMall. And what did the good catalog prescribe? You guessed it: The Solafeet Foot Tanner.
For too long, the world’s greatest minds have sought to cure PFSDC. You’ve all seen the rubber anklets being worn to support the cause and participated in the annual Walk Over Hot Coals for PFSDC Research. And finally, all of this hard work and dedication has been rewarded. We’ve won the battle against PFSDC!

The product description may be the most uplifting collection of prose that I will read in my lifetime:

If you always feel like people are gawking at your white feet and the unsightly tan lines around your ankles when you wear sandals or pumps, then you need the Solafeet foot tanner. Those tan lines can be gone in 5 to 10 days with just fifteen minutes a day. Then you can go from the golf course to the clubhouse in confidence. The Solafeet is ideal for flip-flop wearers, tennis players and joggers.

If I had a nickel for every time I had to say, “Excuse me, my eyes are up here,” while a woman gawked at my pale feet, I’d be nickeless. But now, in five to ten days, my tan lines will disappear. That’s only slightly longer than the time it takes for tan lines to naturally disappear. This truly is a marvel of modern science. Finally, I can enjoy my elitist leisure activities with confidence. My friends in the PFSDC chatrooms will be so thrilled.

I’m certain to find gainful employment and a hot girlfriend now that I can wear flip-flops with impunity. It’s a brand new day for me and all my PFSDC brethren. No longer will we have to just not care about tan lines like the rest of the world. No. Now we can spend $230 and look like assholes at our desks while curing our superficial problem. Thank you, SkyMall!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Reader Favorite

by Mike Barish on

Kia ora from New Zealand. I’m in the Southern Hemisphere for the fourth time this year since Spring is better than Fall and I wanted to miss the first sign of snow in New York City. I also wanted to take a long trip to maximize my time with the new SkyMall catalog (more on that later). While I may be away, I have been monitoring last week’s SkyMall Monday reader poll very closely. I was flattered, humbled and honored at the outpouring of responses. It’s been a thrilling ride over the last twelve months as I’ve explored the nooks and crannies of the Skymall catalog and I’m glad that you’ve enjoyed it so much. The competition was fierce and people had strong opinions about which SkyMall Monday was their favorite. It was a good, clean fight and in the end, I think we were the biggest winner. I mean, SkyMall has solved all the problems that we never knew we had! That said, I was a tad surprised by the results of the poll. I expected a much closer competition, but instead we had a very decisive winner. So, what was your favorite SkyMall Monday of the feature’s first year?Well, if the picture above hasn’t tipped you off by now, you may want to consider wearing a helmet when you’re out in public. Ladies and gentleman, the reader’s choice for favorite SkyMall Monday is the SkyRest Travel Pillow!

Almost 300 of you voted and nearly 35% of you preferred the subtle comfort of the SkyRest Travel Pillow. The Cruzin Cooler placed second, followed by the Wine Glass Holder Necklace, Double Umbrella and Baseball Bat Pepper Grinder. If I was a betting man (and I’m not ever since I lost an eye gambling on Canadian elk wrestling), I would have put my money on the Wine Glass Holder Necklace. That innovative product holds the distinction of being the only SkyMall item that my stepmother has banned me from purchasing for her as a gift. But your choice makes sense: this is a travel blog and the SkyRest Travel Pillow is clearly the most sensible and convenient way to fly, sleep and be a massive douchebag with minimal effort.

More than 200 readers commented on last week’s post and entered to win the $100 SkyMall gift card. One lucky contestant will be notified this week that his or her prize is on the way. I hope they will use its power for good and let us know what problem was solved by our favorite catalog. I’ll keep you posted.

And, to celebrate the SkyRest Travel Pillow’s overwhelming victory, I am now prepared to make a very special announcement right here in SkyMall Monday. I am going to honor your selection by purchasing one SkyRest Travel Pillow for myself and giving it a proper test run and review which I will then share with you. I’ll even make sure to use it while in an aisle seat to properly utilize its bathroom-blocking abilities. Stay tuned for that after allowing 4-6 weeks for delivery!

It’s been a great first year and we have much to look forward to over the coming weeks and month. But first, I’ll be diving into the brand new Holiday 2009 SkyMall catalog looking for my favorite new addition. Check back next week when I’ll be back in the States and prepared to share my choice for best new SkyMall product.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.