SkyMall Monday: Powerlung

by Mike Barish on

I am not what many would call fit. Sure, I look thin enough. I go hiking and kayaking and, on occasion, I even drink juice. I do leave the SkyMall Monday headquarters from time to time to burn a calorie or two. But I also sweat when I get out of bed. I get winded taking the elevator. And I like my ham wrapped in bacon. In other words, I’m your typical American. So, I recently decided that I need to improve my health. But I also decided that I wanted to do so while in a seated position. And I want took as weird as possible. That is, after all, the American way. Rather than do crunches or push-ups or change my diet, I want to to just blow. Whoa, whoa whoa. Get your mind out of the gutter. There’s a way for me improve my health, stay seated and look like a complete jackass. Yes, SkyMall has given me the gift of Powerlung.

Finally, I can improve my cardiovascular health and my French kissing skills. My lung capacity will improve while I sit on my ass. What could be more amazingly American? Stationary exercise. It’s a beautiful thing.

Don’t believe that such a weirdly American contraption can improve your lungs and your life? Maybe you’re the one that blows. If you don’t want to suck, check out the product description:

What makes PowerLung different from the other products? The most important difference is PowerLung is the ONLY product available that will improve the muscles that support your lungs for both INHALING and EXHALING all in the same breath.

Inhaling and exhaling? That’s, like, all of the breathing! Now I can eat my pork, wear my stained sweatpants and be all the American that I can be. So, breathe easier, America. You, too, can be healthy and unhealthy simultaneously. And have your mouth taste like plastic.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Hidden Litter Box

by Mike Barish on

It’s confession time: I hate cats. Well, hate is a strong word. I just don’t understand cats. They seem completely ambivalent about my presence, selfish and they pee indoors. Dogs go outside like civilized animals. Cats defecate indoors in a box. That’s simply not natural. I can’t have the SkyMall Monday headquarters smelling like feline pee and poop. But, I understand that some people are lonely, have given up on the prospect of human relationships and have acquired any number of cats to keep them company on Saturday nights during Real Housewives of Atlanta marathons. And those people may want to hide the shame of having become someone who wears sweatpants in public, buys ice cream in bulk and gives her cats names like Sir Francis Snugglesworth and Purrack Obama.* Those people need to gussy up their homes and try to hide the fact that the inmates cats have taken over the asylum. And to those people, SkyMall says, “Yes we can…hide your cat poop.” This week, we take a closer look at the Hidden Litter Box.

For years, people have hidden their cats’ litter boxes in the bathroom, the kitchen or a spare bedroom. They’d provide their cats with privacy and keep the smell and the fecal matter in lesser-trafficked areas of their homes. And while these solutions may have kept the litter boxes out of sight, they lacked two things: the art of deception and a fake plant.

What fun is hiding your cat’s little box if you’re not doing it like some kind of super spy? The Hidden Litter Box is like James Bond’s litter box. In fact, I bet 007 has one for Octopussycat. And what home isn’t made less depressing by a fake plant that smells oddly like cat pee?

Think I’m meowing up the wrong tree? Well, take a gander at the product description:

With its Tuscany handfinish, our new litter box looks like a real clay pot, complete with an attractive, artificial decorator plant. Simply turn the entrance to the wall and no one will know (if your cat doesn’t tell)!

See, it even works with loose-lipped talking cats! Beat that with your “I keep my cat’s little box in the laundry room.”

So, tell Meowington von Catburt IV to keep his mouth shut and start peeing in the flower pot and then get back to eating Swiss Miss packets with a spoon, because the Hidden Flower pot is your new only friend.

* If your cat’s name is actually Purrack Obama, I’ll admit that you’re kind of awesome.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday Classic: Wineglass Holder Necklace

by Mike Barish on

In honor of Gadling’s celebration of all things wine, we’re re-posting a classic SkyMall Monday that originally ran on May 25, 2009. There are other wine-related products on SkyMall, but none deserve the appreciation that this one merits. It also happens to be one of my favorite SkyMall products of all-time. Enjoy and cheers!

I like to drink. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many of us enjoy a drink or six from time to time. But I also like to eat. When I’m at a cocktail party or a bar, I’m sure to be found enjoying some hors d’oeuvres or or a rack of ribs. And I love to meet new people. There’s nothing more enjoyable than mingling with a crowd and doing elaborately choreographed handshakes with new friends. But, well, I only have two hands. And if one holds my drink and the other holds my food, well, you see where this is going. Thankfully, this week SkyMall Monday solves the problem of being a personable, yet gluttonous, alcoholic. Our favorite catalog has once again foreseen that we are not capable of managing our own lives, so they’ve taken care of everything by allowing us to look fashionable while staying socially lubricated with the Wine Glass Holder Necklace.

Look, we can’t be troubled to put our wine glasses down while we interact with people. We have memories to repress and social anxiety to quell. That’s why this gadget is so ingenious. We should have been wearing our wine glasses around our necks all along. The fact they we don’t have an extra hand extending out of our chests suggests to me that evolution may be a pretty lame theory. I know that I want my red wine precariously dangling around my neck and swinging to and fro as I slalom between people to make my way to the carving station.

Think I’m being too serious about this situation? Your lack of faith in me is really beginning to cause problems in this relationship. But I’ll meet you halfway and let a neutral party explain to you why this product is so amazingly necessary. Take it away, SkyMall product description:

Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip!

Red wine is good for your heart and now it’s close to your heart! See, it’s only natural that we hold our clothing-staining beverages not in out hands but right in our chests. So drink, eat and network all you want at parties because now you’ll have your hands free to indulge. And the best part? It comes as a set of two, so you and your enabler sponsor can mingle together.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Beer Pager

by Mike Barish on

When I was in high school in the mid-90s, beepers were all the rage. My mother, being the prudent parent that she was, forbid me from having one. While I was devastated, it probably would not have improved my social life that much as no one would have paged me. But I digress. Pagers have fallen on hard times since then. Cellphones reign supreme and beepers have been relegated to the dregs of society like drug dealers and doctors. But leave it to SkyMall to find a new group who could benefit from having a pager. Yes, only SkyMall can bring a medium back from the dead and rejuvenate it. Only SkyMall can take a technology utilized by sophisticated establishments like The Cheesecake Factory and Applebee’s and bring it into your home. Yes, only SkyMall can deliver the Beer Pager.

Let me set the scene for you. It’s Tuesday morning. You’ve been up for three days straight on a meth binge. Your girlfriend has been yelling at you for two hours about something (you’re not sure what because she’s impossible to understand ever since you bit off half of her tongue in your last fight). There’s a baby crying and you don’t remember where you left him…or her…or them…whatever. You can’t hear yourself think, let alone remember where you set down that beer you kind of remember cracking open five minutes or two days ago. But, you look down, and there on the waistband of your Zubaz pants is the remote for your Beer Pager!

Your press the button and the noise emanating from your girlfriend’s toothless mouth fades away. The crying of that mysterious baby no longer invades your wax-laden ears. Instead, the only sound you hear is the sweet belch coming from your Beer Pager. There, in its koozie, on its melodious coaster, is your warm can of Schlitz. And, once again, all is right in the world.

If that scenerio isn’t proof enough for you that the Beer Pager improves lives, then read the official product description;

With a press of the remote button, this cozy with removable coaster lights up and lets loose a satisfying belch. Mini remote clips to your belt and will activate up to 60 ft, even through walls.

Through walls and up to 60 feet? That sounds perfect for a double-wide!

Welcome back, pagers. It’s the dawn of a new era for this technology. The Beer Pager is here. And I think the world is a better place for it.

A tip of my hat to Tess Walker for sending me the Beer Pager suggestion.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Digital Nightvision Scope

by Mike Barish on

Outside of the SkyMall Monday Headquarters, I’ve seen some epically beautifully things. Soaring mountains, raging waterfalls and rolling meadows that stretched towards what seemed like an infinite horizon. Yep, the world is a beautiful place. But, sometimes that beauty is hiding. Sometimes, that beauty tries to evade you. Sometimes, you have to hunt for that beauty. You see, from time to time, the greatest natural wonder is also the most clever: human. What’s more beautiful than a young lady who perhaps you once datedl. Or who is living in a fifth floor apartment? Or whose court ordered restraining order requires you to stay 100 yards from her? Yes, that is the truest of beauties. But how does one appreciate this gorgeous scenery when the sun goes down? And how does one gaze upon its wonder from a distance approved by local law enforcement? Thankfully, SkyMall understands that beauty is not always about mountains and waterfalls that everyone can share. Sometimes it’s about a beauty that only you deserve to see. And in those complicated times, there’s no better tool for the lover of beauty than the 250′ Digital Nightvision Scope.

With its 250′ range and six hours of battery life, it’s a shame that it doesn’t come with a sandwich, because you’re going to be lurking in the bushes for a while. Now, neither distance nor darkness will stop you from appreciating the natural beauty of that girl who just doesn’t understand that only you can make her happy. Don’t think that a Digital Nightvision Scope is the way to appreciate all the beauty that the world has to offer? Why won’t you people just leave me alone? Well, at least the official SkyMall product description understands me.

Perfect for late night counter-surveillance or daytime surveillance operations…With the help of a tripod, it can be used for stationary long-term viewing as well as for video recording on peripheral equipment.

She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine. Sure, you could use the Digital Nightvision Scope to view those mountains and waterfalls and meadows. But that scenery won’t help you pleasure yourself (unless mountains are your thing, freak).

So, fix yourself a sandwich, grab your favorite lotion and bring the Digital Nightvision Scope with you as you perch yourself on your favorite tree branch. You finally have a room with a view.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.