SkyMall Monday: Walk-O-Long

by Mike Barish on

Shockingly, I do not have any children…that I know of. Sure, they’re cute and cuddly and can fetch you a beer when you don’t want to step away from the television. But, in these modern times, they’re also coddled, spoiled and, quite frankly, a tad too cocky. Now that they can control their own nosebleeds and traverse even the most demanding terrains, there’s just no stopping their egos from growing beyond our control. Children used to be humble and obedient. Today, they text their parents with demands for Super Sweet Sixteens. We’ve lost control of our children (well, your children). That’s why I’ve decided that the time has come for adults to once again assert our dominance. For those of us with drivers licenses, voting rights and porn purchasing power to rise up, stand tall and crush those sniveling rugrats once and for all. Since this is a new problem that I just realized we have, there is clearly only one source that could possibly provide us with the necessary assistance. I am referring, of course, to SkyMall. But how can SkyMall help us destroy the spirits of countless children? It is but a catalog of fantastical goods. Well, did you know that SkyMall sells the single greatest product for psychological warfare against children? Oh, yes, my adult comrades, it is true. I give you the Walk-O-Long.

How does it work, you ask? You’re just chock full of questions today, aren’t you? You see, the Walk-O-Long is a foam and nylon leash that connects to a harness that you strap onto your child. Watch from a convenient-and forced-close proximity as your child’s self-esteem, freedom and imagination slowly whither away. With their ability to run free and believe in their self-worth sufficiently destroyed, children will cede control and adults will finally return to power.

Not sure that the Walk-O-Long is up to the task? Lest you doubt my selection of this child-destroyer, I’m happy to share this information from the product description:

Made of super strong flat nylon webbing used by firefighters with built-in comfy handles to fit every adult grip.

It fits every adult grip! That includes both kung-fu and Super Poli!

So, are you with me? Will you join the resistance? Then put on your camouflage underpants, pack a lunch and purchase the Walk-O-Long. It’s about time children stopped being treasured and started being tethered.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Leather Driving Gloves

by Mike Barish on

I love a good road trip. There’s nothing better than leaving the SkyMall Monday headquarters and exploring this great country of ours. But the rigors of a long car ride can often be too much for a man to handle. I’m not talking about my legs getting stiff or all the fast food I eat at rest stops. No, it’s the blisters. When I drive, it’s a white knuckle adventure and it wears out my silky smooth, heavily-moisturized skin. I’ve tried steering with my knees, my mouth and my mind, but nothing seems to provide the control and and stability that highway patrolman demand that I possess. What’s a dainty-handed man to do? Rather than loosen my grip or remove the sandpaper steering wheel cover, I’ve decided to learn a lesson from the past. You see, when automobiles first came on the scene, there was romance and style. Drivers were debonair and handsomely attired. They protected their eyes with goggles, necks with scarves and hands with gloves. Because you can’t just grip the wheel, shift the gears and text your mistress with unprotected hands. You need to be safe. You need a coating that only a dead animal hide can give you. You need SkyMall’s Leather Driving Gloves.

Why do you need driving gloves? Well, if you’re like me, even passive activities make you sweat like a pig. Simply getting out of bed in the morning causes me to glisten like a glazed donut. I can’t have the steering wheel slipping out of my hand while on another one of my wacky adventures in the SkyMall Monday Mobile. And speaking of donuts, who wants that mess all over their fingers while driving? Think I’m not fit to operate a motor vehicle or a Gadling post? Well, SkyMall disagrees:

Buttery soft… thin enough to tune the radio. So comfortable they feel like a second skin. Ventilation notches keep your palms dry, even in a tricky hairpin turn.

Finally, a glove that is thin enough to give me that precision radio control that I need. And everyone knows that 88% of palm sweat incidents occur during turns. It’s nice to see a glove that addresses that scourge of the road.

Look, you can drive naked if you want, but when your palms sweat and you crash your car into a tree, you’ll be embarrassed when the police have to use the jaws of life to cut your naked body out of your car. As for me, I’d rather have put on a pair of Leather Driving Gloves and arrive safely at my nudist colony weekend.

Drive safe, SkyMall Maniacs!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Fernando the Chihuahua

by Mike Barish on

I’ll always remember where I was when I heard the news. I think we all will. I was in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. There was a “Breaking News Alert” on CNN. I looked up from my giant magnifier and realized that the world would never be the same. In that moment, I knew how my parents must have felt when President Kennedy was killed. My heart sank. I struggled to swallow. My eyes welled up as I attempted to stifle the tears. Gidget, the former Taco Bell chihuahua, was dead. I’ve never been a fan of Taco Bell. In fact, I can count on one hand the amount of times that I have made “a run for the border.” Oddly, though, I need several more hands to count the number of apocalyptic bowel movements caused by those visits. But Gidget was a cultural icon. Lost in the news of the deaths of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Billy Mays, Gidget’s passing last week got me thinking: Can SkyMall help me mourn? Our favorite catalog has been there for us when we didn’t even know we had a problem. But could it help me get through the Five Stages of Grief? It only took me a few moments to realize that SkyMall could comfort me in ways that no human could. Because SkyMall sells Fernando the Chihuahua.

Let’s look at each stage of grief and how a 9.5″ tall chihuahua statue helped me smile again:
Denial: I spent my first day with Fernando watching the original commercial in a loop while stroking his back and saying, “I’m so proud of you, Gidget. So, so proud.”

Anger: Day two with Fernando was fraught with a great deal of yelling. I blamed Fernando for Gidget’s death and repeatedly told him that his hat made him look like a whore.

Bargaining: “God, if you bring Gidget back and turn Fernando into a real dog, I promise to let them hump whenever they want. Yes, even at the breakfast table.”

Depression: I didn’t leave the house for days. And no matter how much peanut butter I slathered on myself, Fernando just sat there and did nothing.

Acceptance: Eventually, I came to terms with Gidget’s death. And I apologized to Fernando for that comment about his hat. I realized that it doesn’t make him look like a whore. It makes him look like an over-referenced Mexican stereotype. Just like Gidget.

Perhaps there is no more fitting tribute to Gidget’s influence than the official product description for Fernando:

Hollywood’s new “top dog” will be a hit at your house too when you welcome this life-size, quality designer resin pooch with his black buton nose and warm brown eyes.

Hollywood’s top dog. Take that, Lassie and Rin Tin Tin. Suck it, Benji. ¡Viva Gidget! ¡Viva Fernando! ¡Viva SkyMall!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Genuine Turkish Wrap

by Mike Barish on

I love the beach (yes, I do leave the SkyMall Monday headquarters from time to time). When I’m not admiring my Alien Gnome Bandits or towing my nieces in a shoe-shaped raft, you can find me relaxing on the beach with a good book, some sweet tunes and the tiniest bathing suit I can find [Note: I have photos of me in said bathing suit, but Gadling’s editors threatened me with great bodily harm if I included them in this post]. The problem with my tiny bathing suit, though, is that it has no pockets. Sure, I could wear my denim cutoffs, but denim just doesn’t breath. So, what is a man in a tiny bathing suit supposed to do with his Chapstick, sunscreen, keys, iPhone, water, magazine, book and other accessories. Use a backpack, you say? And get tan lines from the straps? Would I be wearing a banana hammock if I didn’t care about tan lines? Geez! No, I need something that is comfortable, is made for the beach and will keep my valuables snug (just like my mankini does). Only one thing could solve a problem of such epic magnitude: SkyMall. And wouldn’t you know it, our favorite catalog has just the product for this conundrum. Everybody, I’d like you to meet the Genuine Turkish Wrap.

Finally, someone has made a towel with pockets. And it has snaps to keep it secure so that I only show off my budgie smugglers when I’m ready for the sun. It’s like a towel and a skirt had a baby and that baby was a boy! Think my analogy is weak? Well, Ivan Drago thought America was weak and how’d that turn out? But don’t take a jingoistic film sequel’s word for it. Check out the product description:

While most towels come loose easily and must be constantly re-tied around the body, these wraps fasten in place and are fitted with pouch pockets…into which lip balm, jewelry, sunglasses, suntan lotion, or shampoos can be placed

It fits multiple shampoos! Plural! Beat that with your regular beach towel that holds no shampoos. And the really good news? The product description goes on to say that “one size fits most.” That’s potentially great for you…maybe…it depends…but probably…fingers crossed.

So, rub some zinc on your nose, pour yourself into your tiniest swimsuit and invite the sexiest girl you know (because there is also a Genuine Turkish Wrap for the ladies). We’re going to the beach!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Electronic Feng Shui Compass

by Mike Barish on

The SkyMall Monday headquarters is a pretty chaotic place. I’m constantly testing products, rotating hot dogs and pulling children around. But, despite all the schlock that’s littering my workspace, it’s still a calm, soothing and spiritual place. How do I manage to keep things so full of positive qi? Well, with feng shui, of course. Sadly, though, it’s not easy to keep things harmonious when it’s difficult to get your hands on an authentic feng shui compass. Besides, in this digital age, I can’t be bothered with more analog crap. No, I need technological advances to make my life easier and help me practice my pseduoscience with ease. And there’s no better place to seek a tool of enlightenment that utilizes a standard USB port to charge its lithium polymer battery than SkyMall. Which is why I have put my spiritual well-being right in the palm of my hand with the Electronic Feng Shui Compass.

Harnessing positive energy and aligning my life force with my natural environment has never been easier. Now, after a full session of charging, I can use my Electronic Feng Shui Compass to tell me where my ugly orange sectional should go. Maybe you think feng shui is a joke. Maybe you think it’s real but that an electronic device has no place in such an ancient practice. Maybe you think too much. Turn your brain off and just rely on the product description:

Working with electromagnetic energy, this handheld feng shui compass helps you support favorable conditions at home or in a hotel room. Operating with the same technology used in aerospace guidance systems, it locates and calculates energy fields so quickly, you align your physical surroundings to match your intentions.

If there’s a more natural marriage of ideas than aerospace guidance systems and feng shui, I don’t know what it is. They go together like peanut butter and telecommunications. And it’s so portable that I can take it with me when I travel. That will allow me to spend hours rearranging the hotel room furniture until the vibrations of Heaven and Earth heal the my back pain that was caused by rearranging the hotel room furniture. It’s the circle of life, people. Hakuna Matata.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.