SkyMall Monday: Cruzin Cooler

by Mike Barish on

Fire. The Wheel. Airplanes. Bacon. Until recently, it was unanimously agreed upon by all the peoples of the world that these four items were man’s greatest discoveries and inventions. But, in this week’s SkyMall Monday, we learn that those things have all taken a backseat to the single greatest invention ever. A device that will save more lives than the polio vaccine and penicillin combined. Ladies and gentlemen, please gaze in wonderment at the Cruzin Cooler.

Of all the problems faced by the human race, perhaps none had stumped scientists more than how one could transport a heavy bin filled with beer and sandwiches. In fact, the brew/cold cut/lifting paradox had befuddled experts for myriad generations. And with every passing year, more and more people had soreness in their backs and slight cramping in their hands from carrying these deadly boxes. We all wondered, “When will this nightmare end?”

Finally, American ingenuity has defeated this silent killer. Now, only your imagination and 500 watts of power limit where you and your Mike’s Hard Lemonade can go. It truly is the dawn of a better day. Move over grandpa. We’re the greatest generation now.

Let’s take a gander at the product description to really understand the magnitude of what we’re dealing with here:

Perfect for football games, camping, golf & grocery store trips, this motorized ice chest holds up to (24) 12-ounce cans of your favorite beverages, and thanks to a built-in motor, you can travel at up to 13 miles per hour while sitting on a comfortable padded seat.

That’s right, folks. It’s perfect for the grocery store and not at all conspicuous. And, after enjoying some of your “favorite beverages,” what could possibly go wrong at 13 miles per hour with no safety restraints?

For more information, I recommend that you check out the official Cruzin Cooler website that is not at all too busy and looks totally modern. Then purchase yours so that you finally won’t need your mom to drop you off at the beach to hang out with your friends.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Portable Desk

by Mike Barish on

Boy, is this week’s SkyMall Monday going to change your lives.

How many times has this happened to you? You’re running at a personal record pace in your local 5K fun run when your boss calls you asking for the latest figures on the Johnson account. Of course, you have your laptop with you while you run, but we all remember what happened the last time you tried to jog and type. What a disaster. Well, with the Portable Desk, all of your problems have been solved.*

Finally, you can easily type documents, email with friends and surf the internet for fetish porn all while on-the-go. Why not grab your dog or your best gal and take a stroll while you stare downwards at a 45-degree angle and fail to interact with those around you? Outside and don’t believe that it’s raining? Well, now you can keep walking while you check the radar to see if the wetness falling from the sky is real.

But don’t take my word for it. Just take a look at the good ol’ product description:

When you have work to do, having no place to sit is no longer a problem. Now you can use your laptop standing or even walking with this portable desk.

Sure, you could find a chair somewhere or sit on the floor or just, you know, not use your computer for 10 minutes and develop some interpersonal skills. But what’s the fun in that? You’re a busy, successful individual with things to do and World of Warcraft spells to cast.

Would I recommend the portable desk? I’m using it right now. At a urinal. I think that says it all.

* None of your problems are anywhere close to being solved.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: SkyRest Travel Pillow

by Mike Barish on

I suppose it’s about time that I used my SkyMall Monday bully pulpit to review a product that is directly related to travel. Sure, you could use the Double Umbrella on a trip to London, but what about when you’re en route to your destination? How will you arrive there well-rested and prepared to make the most of your time away from your empty, passionless life? Well, you’ll rest easy on your flight if you have the SkyRest Travel Pillow.

You could certainly purchase an airline pillow covered in lice and chlamydia or carry along one of those horseshoe shaped neck pillows that scream, “I’m a loser.” But studies have shown that the human body’s natural sleeping position is seated upright while the head and neck are tilted forward at a 68.4 degree angle. What studies? Hey, look over there!

Available only in dark seafoam green, the SkyRest Travel Pillow is inconspicuous and allows you to sleep while your fellow travelers are none the wiser. And it’s inflatable, so you know you’ll sleep like a baby once you have exhausted yourself filling it with air. Considering that it’s 14″ wide, 12″ deep, 11″ tall in the front and 17″ tall in the back, you’ll most likely have it inflated in time for the person next to you to take her first bathroom break. At which time I’m sure you’ll easily be able to move it out of the way for her.

And the best part? Since it rests on your lap, when the person in front of you reclines his seat, the pillow will be pushed back into you. It’s like getting a face massage in a fancy spa…but for free!

Just look at what the product description has to say about this fantastic product:

Why not join our many thousands of satisfied customers and enjoy the benefits of this uniquely different and very flexible travel pillow.

Yes, people who use this product like to be influenced by peer pressure and abhor proper punctuation. And while I have never actually seen any of these satisfied customers in person, I am sure that this person wishes that she had purchased the SkyRest Travel pillow before her flight. Don’t make the same mistake she did!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: TimeMug

by Mike Barish on

People are always shocked to learn that I don’t drink coffee. They say, “Mike, you attack the day with the vim and vigor of a boy one-third your age. Certainly, you must caffeinate yourself every morning.” People are also surprised to learn that I rarely wear a watch. They say things like, “But, Mike, you are as prompt as a man with one-third the level of OCD that you possess. Certainly, you must have a precision timepiece.” Well, the fact of the matter is I do not need coffee or watches. I’m high on life and my body clock is more accurate than the U.S. government’s atomic clock. But, for those of you who are without these natural gifts there’s the TimeMug.

The TimeMug finally puts a clock face where you’ve always needed it: on the side of your insulated travel mug. How many times has this happened to you: You’re sipping your cup of coffee, realize you need to know the time, check your watch and spill your coffee all over your trousers? If you said, “at least seven times,” then I’m amazed that you have the motor skills to access this website. Regardless, who needs the time and their coffee separated? By combining their powers, there’s literally nothing that can stop you from being on-time and alert.*

But what if you’re a fashionista who needs a TravelMug that matches your couture lifestyle? Well, for you there’s the TimeMug Rhinestone Collection. Wouldn’t it look handsome in your Bentley’s cup holder? Yes, it would.

As always, let’s rely on the official product description to seal the deal:

With two rhinestone timepiece options and so many dazzling colors to choose from, there’s a TimeMug right for everyone.

The good people at TimeMug understand that the only things that matter to consumers are colors and rhinestones. It’s like they can see into our souls. So, put down your Bedazzler and get yourself a TimeMug.

* Any number of things could still prevent you from being on-time and/or alert including, but not limited to, traffic, insomnia, “Irishing up your coffee,” rabies and explosive diarrhea.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Double Umbrella

by Mike Barish on

It’s time once again for SkyMall Monday. What better way to get the week started than to take a look at another incredibly ingenious and useful product from our favorite high altitude catalog? This week it is my pleasure and privilege to introduce you to the Double Umbrella.

So often I am out on a date with one of my fancy model girlfriends and it will begin to rain. Imagine my embarrassment when I unfurl my umbrella and she sees that it is only built for one person. Sure, it opens to a 60″ canopy, but it’s just one dome. Time and time again I have been left alone holding my umbrella and shattered dreams because a girl has perceived me as selfish. I mean, if my umbrella is built for one, how can I ever be trusted to have a heart built for two?

Well, problem solved! The double umbrella has not one but two canopies! And for added intimacy, it has just one handle. I could clutch it along with my fancy model girlfriend and we’d be holding hands. And dry! Who doesn’t love dry hand holding?

As always, I look to the product description to feed my enthusiasm:

Closed, it looks like a typical umbrella, but opened you’ll find room for two underneath the extra-large double canopy. Any hotel doorman would be proud!

Finally, I’ll attain the approval of hotel doormen that I have been seeking my whole life. My therapist would call this a breakthrough.

I’ll even enjoy using this product alone. When people see me with it, they will know that I clearly have someone special in my life. Someone who loves me and hates water. Someone who is willing to walk confidently with me down the boulevard while we proclaim our love for each other through the only language that can properly convey our emotions: precipitation avoidance. And when I inevitably bump into one of my many acquaintances and they ask me with whom I share this tandem umbrella, I will confidently proclaim, “My fancy model girlfriend. She lives in Canada. You wouldn’t know her.”

Thanks again, SkyMall. You understand my needs better than anyone else. Even my fancy model girlfriend.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.