SkyMall Monday: Holiday Gift Ideas

by Mike Barish on

Good tidings to you, my SkyMall Maniacs (congratulations, I’ve given you a nickname). We’re doing something a little different here at SkyMall Monday this week. With Hanukkah in full effect and Christmas mere days away, I’m going to do you a solid and give you some last minute gift ideas straight from the greatest catalog on Earth. Forget the hassles of the mall or the big box stores. Sit back, relax, and let SkyMall do all the work for you (with my help, of course).

iWear Vr920 (photo above) – Why just be a nerdy gamer when you could be a nerdy gamer playing in “virtual reality?” Just don your favorite blazer, log into World of Warcraft and have your friends call you “Geordi La Forge.”

Animated Hitch Critters – Because you’re white trash and gosh darn proud of it.

Body Toning System – We just don’t subject ourselves to “electro muscle stimulation” nearly enough. Besides, what does all the research supporting a lifestyle of healthy eating and exercise really mean anyways? Certainly standing around while electrocuting your abs is the real secret to getting that six pack.

Warm Whiskers Neck Wrap (photo at left) – Because the local shelter won’t let you adopt anymore of their precious real cats and the county is threatening to investigate that smell coming from your backyard.

Dermaseptic – Tis the season to manage those herpes outbreaks.

Forest Faces – Forest Faces are the “newest craze in outdoor decor.” Finally, the old craze in outdoor decor, “nature,” has been supplanted by a much more organic way to decorate trees: athletic decorations with stereotypically racist facial features.

Feline Drinking Fountain – This water fountain keeps water moving, “encouraging proper hydration by attracting pets to drink more, thereby reducing the risk of urinary tract infection.” I never knew feline urinary tract infections were such a major concern. Can’t your cat just drink some cranberry juice and have a bad attitude for a few days?

Portable Video Magnifier – Sure, you’re well aware that magnifying glasses have existed for centuries. And yeah, you know that they’re cheap, lightweight and would really help your elderly grandmother read the newspaper, organize coupons and write checks. But you have money to burn and an intense desire to let grandma know that you did amount to something after all. So, drop $789 and get grandma the Portable Video Magnifier. That’ll show her who the real failure is.

Jumpin Jammerz (photo at left) – Are you in an asexual relationship with a partner who respects your complete lack of libido? Does he or she have the bowel control necessary to make it to the bathroom and then completely disrobe before doing the business? Would they love to wake up in a pool of their own sweat every morning? Then yes, you should totally get that person a pair of adult footed pajamas. Glad we had this talk.

Sound Activated Shirt – I just spent 45 minutes trying to come up with a reason why you should buy this. That’s a new SkyMall Monday record.

Of course, if none of these amazing SkyMall gift ideas would appeal to your loved ones, you could always take a look at Gadling’s Holiday Gift Guide. There are tons of great ideas there.

Happy holidays from SkyMall Monday. Be sure to check back next week when we count down some of the best SkyMall Monday reviews from 2008!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Flair Hair Visor

by Mike Barish on

Are you embarrassed by your child’s age-appropriate baldness? Has his or her wispy, toddler hair become a point of contention in your house? Do you purposely leave your child home alone rather than risk people publicly mocking him for his inability to have a full, luxurious head of hair before he can even walk? Well, finally, there is a product that will not only give your child that ultra-cool hairstyle that he deserves, but also keep the glare of the sun out of his tender eyes. This week, SkyMall Monday spotlights the Flair Hair Visor.

As a man with no hair, I can appreciate one’s desire to enhance himself follicly. Sure, I look stunning bald, but not everyone can make such handsomely honest claims. Hair growth creams and surgical solutions can cost hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars. Wigs and toupées rarely fool anyone and pose a unique set of challenges in blustery conditions. But with the Flair Hair Visor, your child can finally escape the stigma of being in the stage of development that precedes full hair growth.

As always, I don’t ask you to take just my word for it. Just check out this carefully selected excerpt from the product description (that happens to be the only sentence in the product description that isn’t littered with typos):

Instantly give yourself a head-turning new ‘do and amuse friends– and strangers!

If people are pointing and laughing at you, then yes, I suppose they are amused. And just imagine how amused they will be when they see that there are Flair Hair Visors for adults, too! You and your child can have matching fake visor hair and avoid the damaging effects that the sun can have on your retinas. And if you protect your retinas, you’ll be able to gaze into the mirror and see how magnificent you look with your fake hair that has taken the attention off of your child’s fake hair. See, you solved that problem of being embarrassed by your kid already!

Bring an air of confidence back to your family with the Flair Hair Visor. Surely people will stop mocking you and your child now. I think. Maybe.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: NECKpro Traction Device

by Mike Barish on

Neck pain is no laughing matter. Unless the pain was caused by a slip on a banana peel. That’s hysterical. Otherwise, neck pain is a serious issue that needs to be combated aggressively. You’ve probably treated your neck pain with pills, creams, ointments, salves, massages and wine. Well, you’re a moron. By now you should know that the solutions to all of life’s problems can only be found in SkyMall. So, this week SkyMall Monday is here to dominate neck pain with the NECKpro Traction Device.

For years, you could only find traction devices in hospitals and they had to be operated by trained medical technicians with degrees and “expertise.” The masses were denied the ability to ratchet their spines in directions that defy normal human physiology. But no longer. The NECKpro Traction Device allows you to comfortably* sit in your own home and pull your head clear off of your torso. Thoughts of your neck pain will disappear as you instead focus on the chafing on your chin.

Need more convincing that the NECKpro Traction Device is the premiere cervical traction device on the market? Well, let’s check out the product description:

The NECKpro over-door cervical traction device, eliminates the bag of water or weights and the trial and error method of traction therapy offered by conventional home over-door cervical traction systems.

Did you know that other cervical traction devices rely on bags of water to apply the tension? Did you even know that there were other cervical traction devices? Me neither! But why use bags of water when you can just hang the NECKpro Traction Device over your door and pull on a string while your kids cheer you on?

You’ll be thrilled to learn that the NECKpro Traction Device comes fully assembled and “is the perfect travel companion.” Sure, it’s nice to have your significant other or favorite vibrator with you on a trip. But when it comes to companionship, those pale in comparison to the NECKpro Traction Device. I mean, can a vibrator relieve the pain associated with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis or cervical radiculopathy? I think I’ve made my point.

Show your neck pain who’s boss with the NECKpro Traction Device. It’s about time you took back your dignity.

* You will not be comfortable.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Slumber Sleeve

by Mike Barish on

It’s the holiday season, which means lots of traveling and sleeping at the homes of friends and family. Inevitably, many of you will end up sleeping on couches, air mattresses, beds made for children or floors. Well, for you weary houseguests who end up sleeping in uncomfortable and contorted positions, SkyMall Monday is pleased to profile the Slumber Sleeve pillow.

Some products address such small, niche issues that you wonder why anyone would purchase them. But the Slumber Sleeve works for a much broader audience. Because if you’re a person who has a complete dearth of pillows and likes to wedge your bicep underneath your head then the Slumber Sleeve is perfect for you. It’s so effective that you’ll be able to sleep with your eyes wide open like the totally-not-creepy model featured above. And that will allow you to keep an eye on your surroundings while staying at your uncle’s house. Just because you’re crashing on his couch doesn’t mean he gets to sneak into the guestroom and brush your hair while you’re sleeping.

The product description describes several of the myriad uses of the Slumber Sleeve. Here are a few of the most logical:

  • The Slumber Sleeve is popular with college students or office workers taking a quick nap on a desk between classes or during a break
  • As an ankle pillow, worn on the lower leg when the upper leg is crossed over on top – like when watching TV
  • As a sunbathing aid, worn high on an arm and under your head, allowing for a comfortable side tanning orientation

I know that my boss has no problem with me taking a nap at my desk so long as my arm doesn’t fall asleep. That’s her only concern. The appearance of professionalism and maturity are secondary to me not getting pins and needles in my hand while drooling on the Johnson report.

And I never would have considered using the Slumber Sleeve at the beach. But what a fantastic idea! I mean, I love awkward tan lines and having something clinging to my skin in the hot summer sun!

I know that I’m ordering one right away. Now my arm won’t fall asleep when I finally hire an artist to paint me in the nude while in a state of repose.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Noseaid

by Mike Barish on

Here at SkyMall Monday, we’re always thinking about the kids. Life is hard for kids. Between bullies, food allergies and cooties, there are a lot of things out there trying to kill you. Well, finally, there’s a product that can help kids with a common problem while also keeping them from being teased on the playground. The next time your child gets a nosebleed, be sure to clamp the discreet and handsome Noseaid on his schnoz.

For years, people have treated children’s nosebleeds with tissues and the application of light pressure. Who has the time for that? And who can remember if you’re supposed to tilt the head forwards or backwards? Not me. And certainly not little Timmy in the photo up there. Why not take all the guesswork and parental attentiveness out of the equation and clamp a glorified clothespin right there on his sensitive face?

Let’s face it it. Kids get a lot of nosebleeds. They’re constantly picking their boogers, getting smacked by older brothers and failing to catch easily thrown pop flies from their weekend visitation fathers. If we stopped to hold a tissue to their faces every single time that happened, we’d be missing a lot of television.

As always, we turn to the official product description for definitive proof that we all must own this fruit that has fallen from the amazing tree:

The new Hands-Free NoseAid was developed and patented by an emergency room physician to provide an easy, painless, and safe method to stop nosebleeds. It has been clinically tested and proven effective in patients from ages 3 to 73!

What’s that you say? Your grandfather is 74 years old? Well, you better say goodbye to grandpa, because there is no stopping his nosebleed. That’s quite the gusher. But hey, I’m sure he lived a full life and would want to die with dignity and not with some odd fetish device clamped to his beak.

I recommend keeping a Noseaid on your child’s nose at all times. Not only will his nose never bleed, but his voice will amuse all of your party guests. And he’ll thank you for giving the bullies at school something else to focus on besides his pathological bed-wetting.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.