Gadling

In a dramatic reversal of policy, American President George W. Bush announced yesterday that he is revoking the Cuban Travel Ban that has been in place for more than half a century.

“I’m not sure what all the hubbub has been about,” he remarked to reporters. “That Mark Cuban guy seems okay to me.”

The president addressed the concerns about communist accusations and assured the American public that just because Cuban has recently grown a goatee like Lenin, Trotsky, Dick Van Dyke, and other hard-line commies doesn’t mean he is a communist himself. “That would be facial profiling,” commented the President, “and we just don’t do that here, in America, the Land of the Free.”

“And besides,” he added, “my dad won the Cold War when he toppled the Great Wall of China and I think it’s about time we let bygones be gone by gone.”

Although there has been much speculation that the Cuban travel ban would never be lifted while Bush was in office and his brother remained governor of Florida, the President was quick to point out that nepotism and cronyism has had nothing to do with the decades-long ban. “Jeb tells me there’s lotsa Cubans in, uh, that place where Disneyworld is, so the guy must have a big family and they must like Disneyworld and probably go there a lot so how can they be communists?”

A surprised Mark Cuban, unaware that a travel ban even existed against him, was nonetheless thankful to the President for lifting it. “George W. called me personally to tell me the good news,” he said. “And then he asked me for some of my famous cigars.”

Waah! Do you hear that? It’s the shrieking cry known as the “cattle call.” Southwest Airlines passengers know this sound all too well. Southwest doesn’t offer assigned seating. Instead, they group their customers into first-come, first-serve boarding zones: A, B, and C. Group “A” boards first and contains the first 45 passengers to check into the flight. The trick to getting a coveted Group “A” pass is checking-in online early 24 hours before the flight.

This boarding procedure has worked very well for the airline, but the company wants to attract those obsessed customers who have too much time on their hands. (You may know them as your parents.) Well, these people would make up Southwest’s new “Early Bird Class.” This Group “A+” allows for pre-pre-boarding giving them preferred treatment over Group “A” fliers and those passengers requiring extra time for boarding. Why should you have to board later because you didn’t break your leg anyway?

The only drawback to the program is that travelers must check-in at the airport 72 hours before the flight and remain at the gate to receive “A+.” If the passengers leave the airport before the flight, they lose their Class “A+” pass. Yes, it’s harsh, but these people can sit anywhere on the plane! Take that, assigned seating.

Southwest plans to roll out the new check-in and boarding procedures for “Early Bird Class” starting April 1st.

Authorities in London have prevented a terrorist attack when an alert security screener at Heathrow Airport discovered eight pounds of C4 plastic explosives hidden in a passenger’s Wonder Bra.

According to initial reports, an unidentified woman passing through security aroused suspicion with breasts that were “sort of squarish,” according to screener Lars Gunderstrom.

Ever since the arrest three years ago of shoe bomber Richard Reid, authorities have been concerned about other garment items which might be fashioned into a bomb. “Bras have been a threat for a long time now,” commented Abel Stickworthy, Director of Heathrow Security. “Security personnel have been thoroughly trained in mammary recognition and yesterday’s arrest proves this extra training works–despite all the false alarms we tend to see on flights to Los Angeles.”

In response to this new threat, the TSA has announced travel restrictions on bras. A press release issued early this morning warns, “If you’re a B cup or larger, be prepared to take if off and place it in the x-ray machine along with your shoes.”

The new regulations are expected to dramatically increase security lines across the country. To help expedite the screening process, travelers are advised to arrive early. And braless.